Passion and Disaster
by ignrntslt
Summary: Jasper has a chance encounter with Edward that changes everything. Lemons! Mature content! Also be warned, the language is natural and fairly coarse, and may offend as compared with the books. I hope you'll read on, regardless!
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first ever fanfic, and my first attempt at guy on guy interaction...namely Jasper Hale and Mr Edward Cullen (human, not vamp). Be gentle! The title comes from a quote by Arthur Rimbaud. Chapter 1 and 2 are essentially a build up to the very very lemony Chapter 3. I'm still writing the rest, so we'll see what happens after that. **

Chapter One: Death to Cell Phones

My cell phone buzzed in my back pocket a third time as I hurried to the lecture theater. I shifted the bag on my shoulder listlessly and kept walking.

_Alice, Alice, Alice. Why won't you just CHILL?  
_

I was already late, and this was a distraction I didn't need. Without even reading the text message I knew what it said...but I also knew that if I didn't shoot off a reply there'd be five more messages by the end of class.

_What I wouldn't give right now for a life of celibacy._

I fumbled for my phone as I navigated my way through the Quad and its semi-permanent gaggle of smokers.

I looked at the message:** OMG Jazz I am sooooo bored. What r u doing?**

_Oh the inanity._

I tried not to slow my pace as I texted back a curt reply**: Busy. Class now. Call u tonight**. Done.

I slid the lock and moved to repocket my phone, shifting the bag on my shoulder yet again. I looked up and something flicked in front of my face, right in front of my eyes. Instinctively I jerked back, fumbling my phone as I recoiled...and watched in horror as my phone clattered to the concrete, landing face down with a nasty shattering sound.

_That would be the sound of the touch screen breaking. Awesome._

Then, to top it all off, the phone casing flew apart on impact like a NASA shuttle.

That's when I noticed the smoldering cigarette at my feet. My 'Hulk Smash!' instincts began to take hold as a hand touched my shoulder and a voice said,

"Sorry, man. I didn't see you there."

The owner of the voice bent down to retrieve the offending cigarette.

"FUCK you, _man_," I said with venomous sarcasm to the butt-flicker. "Why don't you use an ashtray next time, douchebag?"

I dropped my bag to the ground as I bent to pick up the pieces of what used to be my phone. When I stood up, the butt-flicker was facing me, and I recognized said douchebag instantly.

Edward Cullen. Well. Edward _Fucking_ Cullen, as I knew him. Brooding, pretentious, loner, and the hands-down campus king of the inadvertent cockblock. The mere mention of his name sent girls into strange dreamlike trances...forget about carrying on a conversation if he ever happened to walk by. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he'd single-handedly broken the concentration of every single girl I'd ever dated, at least once per girl. And I'm not bragging when I say I've dated a lot of girls on campus. I didn't even know the guy and I hated him with every fiber of my being. Not in a do-something-about-it way, because he never actually _did_ anything to me personally to justify the hatred.

I'd never been this up close and personal to him before, usually content to glare at his retreating figure. I took a moment to absorb it all. The just-got-off-a-girl hair...man that annoyed me. How hard could it be to wash your fucking hair? Then there was the pretentiously deliberate stubble, sideburns (of course), square jaw, oddly girlish mouth (never noticed that before), and heavy-lidded eyes, also in the just-got-off-a-girl style that he seemed to favor. And of course, the leather jacket (this guy was a walking cliche, seriously), obscure-band t-shirt, skinny jeans, motorcycle boots. Honestly, what's wrong with _normal_ jeans and a _normal_ tshirt? I'm no preppy, but I don't really find the need to make statements with my clothes. I'm a smart guy. I use my words instead.

Add it all up and you get Edward Cullen. As unofficial cockblock king, the guys on campus had an unspoken bond over Edward Cullen. We were all just waiting for the day when he looked at one of us the wrong way, or made a sarcastic remark, something to give us an excuse to pound him into the dirt. When that day came, we would line up around the block for the chance to join the Edward Cullen clock-cleaning tag-team.

I had figured that that day would never come. I mean, he was more like a shadow than a person. He didn't actually talk to anyone, let alone acknowledge them.

Until today.

Now I was primed, ready to take the first swing as he finally gave the smartass, inevitably douchey reply that would justify my punching his lights out. I mean, the way he looked, the way he dressed, he had to be a complete tool. _Had_ to be. But instead he just looked at me evenly, and then, and this was weird, he lowered his gaze and rubbed awkwardly at his neck.

"I'm really sorry. I should've looked." He looked back up at me, and gestured to my hand and the pieces of my ex-phone. "Your phone. Can I see it?"

I sullenly slapped the phone pieces into his palm.

"Not much to see," I growled.

"Oh no." He looked at me apologetically. "Let me replace this for you. It's totally my fault."

I had just noticed the weird color in his eyes. What was up with that? Wow. He was one intense-looking dude. I snapped back to reality and looked at him quizzically.

"Replace it? Seriously? No, dude...you don't have to do that. I mean, I'm the one who dropped it." I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. My mind screamed OF COURSE HE SHOULD REPLACE IT!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????

I found myself able to smile, no forcing necessary. Weird. I was not punching Edward Cullen. I was smiling at him. I waited with interest to hear the next surprise to leap from my mouth.

"Really. It's cool. Just...you know...don't throw any more lit cigarettes at my head."

Okay...um...what now? It's "cool"? WHAT????

Why was I being so passive? Why was _he_ being so passive? Why couldn't he just act like a douche so I could break that pretty aquiline nose like I wanted to? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not a meathead who goes around picking fights or anything. That's Alice's brother Emmett. Personally, I tried to avoid fighting because, well, I liked fighting a little too much and I knew it. I was strong and I was fast, and I knew how to move my feet. So when handed a reason to fight, I rarely walked away leaving anyone unharmed. Which is why I didn't really understand how this seemingly straightforward situation had veered off into this...amicable parting of ways.

Edward tightened his jaw and maintained his even stare.

"No. If I don't replace it for you I'll feel like a heel. Please just let me do this. By way of apology." He pocketed the phone pieces in his leather jacket, as if to end the conversation.

Then he smiled.

Now, as a general rule I don't look guys in the eye unless we're about to fight, or they're family. I don't know why. It just seems too, familiar, I guess. Other guys I know are the same way. The urge to break Edward Cullen's face had completely dissipated, and as far I knew we weren't blood-related. Yet I was willingly, almost happily, staring into his eyes. It was really more curiosity than anything else. I'd never seen eyes that color before. They were a weird, bright brown, if there's such a thing. I don't know about names of colors or anything. But they looked like the color on a toasted bagel. Or beer. Yeah, the color of an IPA. I'd never seen beer-colored eyes before. But there was something else, something besides the color. It was the casual-hypnotist way that he was looking at me. If he was a girl looking at me like that I would have either kissed her or got her number. But Edward Cullen was a guy, and I was not doing either of those things.

_Kissing? Yeesh._

I shook the thought out of my head and realized I still had a lecture for which I was now very late.

"Fuck! I gotta go. Um. Thanks, I guess? Oh. Yeah. Um... my name's Jasper, by the way. But maybe you knew that?" I figured he had to, he'd been at college as long as I had. It's not like it's a big school.

He nodded, and a small smirk played on his lips. I continued my slow, backwards walking, babbling escape.

"I'm around campus all the time, so...um I guess when you get the phone taken care of, just call me. Oh. Well. I guess I don't have my cell phone. Hahaha. Well, ask around. People know me." I waved a hand and started walking briskly out of the Quad. I called over my shoulder as I went.

"Use an ashtray!"

As I walked away I realized I probably should have given him my email, or home phone or something.

I looked back over my shoulder to call out to him again, but he was gone.

Oh well.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Study Hard. Get Good Grades.

I practically fell through the door into the lecture hall, panting from my (perhaps unwise) choice to sprint the last leg of my trek to class. As I leaned against the back wall to catch my breath, I noticed that a TA was in front of the lectern addressing the class, instead of our normal WWII History lecturer, Dr Keller.

"...study session. Your attendance will be noted, so you are asked to remain in the theater for the full hour. Again, Dr Keller apologises for his unforeseen absence."

_Just. Great._

I sighed heavily, and willed myself to walk to my seat. I found my usual perch in the back corner of the theater, and fell into my seat with a thud. Someone handed me a clipboard and a pen, and I wrote 'Jasper Hale' in a hurried fashion. I scuttled to the edge of the aisle and passed it to the person in the next row. I scuttled back into my seat, and tried to figure out the best way to kill an hour-long 'study session'.

I only had my notebook with me in my bag. I'd done all the reading, so I didn't have any textbooks with me. I didn't even have a regular book to read, since I'd just returned the one I'd been reading to the library this morning. I knew I'd be hooking up with Alice tonight, and likely some of the wekeend, so I didn't bother getting anything else to read. Now what?

I was still a little out of breath from the run...and a bit unsettled from the "un-fight" with Edward Cullen. I figured it was probably best to just chill, and try to get my breathing back to normal.

I stretched out in my seat, closed my eyes and tried to relax, breathing slowly in and out. I took stock of the noises around me. I heard the door open a couple of times... random footsteps...shuffling papers...a bag zipping open...random whispers...the tinny echo of an Ipod leaking quiet noise from earbuds....two girls murmuring about their plans for the evening. Very exciting stuff.

My thoughts wandered to Alice. Had to remember to call her. Ugh. From my home phone. Because what was left of my cell phone was now in Edward Cullen's jacket pocket. Edward Cullen. Those weird eyes flashed into my mind.

_Damn it._

I opened my eyes. It was clear that my mind couldn't be trusted to calm me down. I need a distraction. Something. Anything. Music! I fumbled for my bag and began fishing around for my ipod. I located the headphone cord and tugged gently. Out came the ipod, dangling from the one end of headphone cord that was also deftly woven around my car keys, two pens and a tire gauge. I grabbed for the ipod just as it broke free of the headphone jack and clattered to the floor.

_Again? Kick my clumsy fucking ass. Goddammit._

I quickly scanned the floor. The Ipod had skidded to a stop against a shoe two seats over from where I was sitting. A boot, actually.

_Huh. No-one was sitting there before..._

A long fingered hand reached down to pick it up.

_Wait. I know that hand._

Edward Cullen palmed the Ipod and handed it back to me with a big, shiteating smirk.

"I'm not replacing this if that's what you're thinking."

I somehow managed to grin and shrug.

"I figured it was worth a shot." I took the Ipod from him, surreptitiously inspecting it for damage.

He smiled, stretched in his seat, leaned back and closed his eyes.

I don't remember ever seeing him in this class. Hell, I honestly couldn't remember seeing him go to ANY class all year, let alone this one. Then again, I'd never paid much attention to him before.

_Before now, you mean. Man, this was a weird day._

I looked back over at him. His eyes were still closed. I noticed that he had kind of a long neck. I blinked.

_What the fuck did I care what kind of neck he had?._

His right eye opened slightly, and he raised his eyebrow. Didn't say anything. Just watched me watching him. With a smirk. I looked away, pretending to further inspect my Ipod. He was still watching me. I could feel it.

_He's probably totally gay for me. He's keeping my phone as a memento for his stalker scrapbook. Surrounded by a big pink lacy heart and shiny unicorn stickers._

I grinned at the thought and busied myself searching for something to listen to on my ipod. Assuming that it still worked. I needed something intense to distract me. Something to fill my head. Nine Inch Nails. _Downward Spiral_. Just what the doctor ordered. I plugged in the headphones, set the buds in my ears and hit play. 'Mr. Self-Destruct' blasted into my ears. Whew. It played! I stretched back out in my seat, closed my eyes and returned to the task of trying to calm down. I turned up the volume. Less than a minute later, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and turned my head, pulling a bud from my ear.

Edward had his arm stretched across the empty seat was leaning towards me with an apologetic look on his face.

"Sorry. Would you mind turning your music down a little? It's so quiet in here, and the noise is a little intrusive. If you wouldn't mind..."

I nodded, turned it down and put the bud back in to my ear, mouthing 'Sorry' as I did.

_Yeah, sure. Would YOU mind telling ME what you're even DOING in this class? Lame_.

I relaxed back into the music and slowly, slowly started to chill. I was just on the verge of dozing when I felt something warm near my shoulder. I opened my left eye a crack, and saw that Edward's arm was still slung across the back of the empty seat. He had taken his jacket off and hung it over the armrest, and his long, pale but somewhat muscular arm stretched towards me, the tip of his long fingers now just barely touching my shoulder.

_Not on purpose, I hope._

Through the corner of my eye I sneaked a glance at him.

Stretched out, eyes closed.

_Meh. These seats are uncomfortable, and he's a pretty tall guy. He's just relaxing. Or he just decided to leave his hand there after he leaned over. Quit flattering yourself. Maybe YOU'RE gay for HIM._

Yeah right. I closed my eyes and started to lose myself in the music again. And tried not to think about the warm hand that was still almost-sort-of-touching my shoulder.

The music was working, I could feel myself relaxing by degrees with each song. The lyrics were a little hornier than I remembered, but for the most part it worked. I relaxed a little more into my seat and tilted my head to rest on my shoulder, hoping to maybe catch a few z's while I was here.

I was sure that I felt Edward's hand move slightly. Slightly...closer. His fingertips were now touching my hair.

I kept my eyes firmly shut. I was kind of annoyed by the distraction. But I was also curious. Maybe I wasn't flattering myself after all. Maybe he WAS trying to touch me. Which led me to wonder where exactly this was going. I decided to bait my line.

I straightened my head, and scooted up in my seat a little so his hand was near my shoulder again. Then I slowly lifted my arm and positioned it so that it was draping over my armrest into the empty seat, so that my upper arm was now directly beneath where his hand was resting.

Part of me hoped he'd pull away.

But another part (the weird part that was thinking about his eyes and babbling to him and generally acting like a fuckwit) was still...curious, and hoped for. Well. Something. I wasn't sure what. I worked out regularly, so I knew that I had good muscle tone. And my t-shirt fit pretty close. Not tight like a nightclub bouncer, but close-fitting. But it was thin cotton, and it stretched in the right places. If he was into me, this was all the bait he would need. I was impressed by my deviousness.

Bait taken. He moved his hand so that his four fingers and palm were resting against my upper arm, his thumb on my shoulder.

Against my thin t-shirt, his hand was even warmer than I expected. I started to feel a little uncomfortable in my seat. I had wanted to see what would happen. Now it was happening. Turns out, he _did_ want to touch me. I had no idea what to do next.

_Excellent plan, Jasper. Well done. _

The part of me that had hoped he'd pull away was now ready to leap out of the chair and bolt for the door. My heart started pounding again. I tried to calm myself down. I wasn't really doing anything. Not really. And neither was he. Well. He was. But we're just chilling. That's all.

_Uh huh. Sure. Two guys. Just chilling. One of them enjoying the close physical contact._

I shifted in my chair a little and sighed deeply, trying really hard to concentrate on Trent Reznor's increasingly horny music, and not on the heat from Edward's hand that was now burning through my t-shirt.

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. Stretched out. Eyes closed. No expression registered on his face. Then he pressed his hand just a little more firmly against my arm, like he could tell that I was watching him. I didn't avert my eyes this time. I don't know why. But right then, I wasn't quite as unsure of myself. It was like I felt calmer when I was watching him, and then I freaked out when I looked away. So I kept looking. I figured, well, he's a good looking guy, and this was like appreciating good art.

I glanced at his arm and noticed he actually had a decent amount of body hair. I kind of envied that, since despite my muscle-tone I was kind of lacking in the manly body hair department. Girls always thought I waxed. No, just a naturally girlish chest, that's all. A little more hair would have been nice. I wondered if he had a lot on his chest too.

I pulled my eyes off him and stared into my Ipod screen. His hand was still pressed firmly against my arm.

Maybe I did find him...attractive? Something beyond art appreciation maybe. The physical contact was definitely doing something to me. It wasn't my imagination that my jeans were getting a little snug in the groin region.

_FUCK._

I gave him another sidelong glance, and then stared back at my ipod.

His thumb began to gently rub my shoulder, back and forth. Barely moving, but enough that I noticed. We were sunk pretty low in our seats, I doubt anyone could see us...but it freaked me the fuck out. My lap got very warm very quickly, forcing me to shift in my seat to free up some space in my now overcrowded crotch.

_Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner. Aunt Mary. Barbara Bush. Carol Channing. Needlepoint. Christmas shopping..._

I ran through my mental list of un-boner material. None of it was working.

_Hummel figures. Roseanne Barr. Doctor Phil. Perry Como. Kathy Lee Gifford._

I couldn't stand it. He was still rubbing his thumb against my shoulder. No faster, no slower, just continual pressure that I did. not. need. I should have swatted his hand away from the beginning. But now? Honestly I kind of liked the sensation, I just wished it wasn't _him_ ...or _a him_...doing it.

This was very bad. Very. Very. Bad. It did feel really, really good.

Then as if on cue, almost in sync with Edward's thumb rub, the porno slap-bass of 'Closer' started playing on my ipod and Trent Reznor crooned, 'You let me violate you/ You let me desecrate you'...

_AGH! Shut the fuck up,Trent! You're on your own with that 'fuck you like an animal' shit right now._

I stabbed the pause button on my ipod.

_Anything but that._

His thumb was driving me crazy and I couldn't stand it a moment longer. I pulled away from his hand and leaned forward in my seat, my head in my hands down by my knees, drawing a couple of deep breaths as I tried to clear my thoughts.

_I can't leave. Even if this dude humiliates me into full boner status, leaving now will just draw attention and raise more questions than I want to answer. __  
So. I grin and bear it?  
Well. Maybe. What's the worst that could happen?_

I had visions of Edward Cullen jerking me off and nearly choked.

Okay, fine so not exactly a bad scenario given my current state, but way further down the yellow brick road than I was prepared to skip. In fact, let's just lock that door right now because I am so NOT going there. If anyone's doing any jerking it's me, and of my own cock, thank you very much.

I sighed deeply again, still hunched over in my seat. There really was nothing compelling me to get up and leave. If anything, I felt compelled to stay. I was beginning to think, crazy as it sounds, that Edward had some kind of magnetic pull. Whether that was directly related to my growing boner, or to some kind of animal magnetism he had..who knew. But I was starting to get why girls behaved so daft whenever he was near. There was definitely a...pull.

Another reason to stay put was my bizarre and twisted thrill for the unknown. Sure, this was unknown territory that was most likely to turn out to be gay territory, but I've always had a certain daredevil quality, a 'what the hell' attitude when faced with a challenge and an unknowable outcome. And sure, it had gotten me into hot water, the county lockup, the emergency room and one time, naked up to my neck in a quagmire (long story). And this was definitely one of the craziest situations. But for a nice change of pace I wasn't doing it to impress a girl...I wasn't risking physical injury (at least I _hoped_ not)...and while it was totally weird and completely unforeseen, and a little uncomfortable, I didn't feel like I was in any immediate danger.

So...what the hell, right?

Happy with my convoluted reasoning skills (and briefly wondering just _how_ directly my cock was linked to my brain), I raised my head, leaned back in my chair and turned to Edward, and laid my most winning smile on him.

Edward's arms were folded across his chest and he was regarding me with something like genuine concern when he got a load of my smile.

His face changed immediately. He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows questioningly at me, a faint smile playing on his mouth.

I gave him a neutral, 'What are you gonna do?' shrug, and smiled happily.

Next thing I knew he was sitting in the seat next to me, smiling (not smirking) at me.

WHOA. I hadn't counted on the sudden escalation.

He must have seen me flinch because the smile faded, and he held my gaze firmly. He kept his arms folded, hands tucked under his armpits. He was expresssionless, but in that weird hypnotist way of his he seemed to radiate calm, his breathing measured, not moving, not even blinking. Just regarding me in that even, calm manner. It was like he was searching my mind.

I relaxed a little, though my heart was practically throwing itself against my chest.

I sat back in my seat again and stretched my legs in front of me, sinking in my chair a little lower. Edward shifted in his seat, arms still crossed and legs bent, and he angled his right leg so that his knee was resting against my thigh.

_Okay. I can handle that._

I gave a sidelong glance at his folded arms to make sure he wasn't going to try anything funny with those hands of his, and then picked up my Ipod again and started flicking through my albums, trying to find something less horny than Nine Inch Nails to listen to. I settled on Bob Dylan's _Blood On The Tracks_ and pressed play on 'Tangled up In Blue.' The music swelled to a start, and I relaxed a little more. Bob Dylan. Definitely not horny.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the faint warmth and pressure of Edward's knee. I found it kind of reassuring. Comforting, even. My boner was still threatening, but nothing that I couldn't handle.

I must have dozed because I suddenly started awake, opening my eyes and looking around dazedly.

Edward's knee was still against my leg, but his body was slightly turned in his seat towards me, leaning back with his elbow on the armrest, chin in his hand and index finger across his top lip, regarding me somewhat studiously, like a mathematician staring down a perplexing equation on a chalkboard.

I rubbed my neck nervously as I attempted to casually regard him back, not sure whether another smile would have him sitting in my lap.

He bit on his fingernail. There was no expression on his face, but he seemed...nervous?

I decided to go with a half smile back at him, cutting my losses somewhat. Then I leaned back again and closed my eyes.

He pulled his knee away, and then slid down in his seat and stretched out next to me.

_Whew._

Then I felt his hand on my leg. My upper thigh, to be exact, his thumb pressing into my inner thigh, rubbing gently, the way he had on my shoulder, but this time with far greater effect.

_Ladies and gentlemen, we have boner._

I moved my Ipod to my lap and tried not to freak right out.

_I knew the half-smile was a bad idea. I just knew it. Fuck fuck fuck. I can't sit here. My zipper will burst. I have to find a way to get out of here_.

Then, right on time, the TA approached the lectern and said, "Okay guys. It's 10 minutes to 2, but I think you've all put in enough study time. Thank you all for staying, you're now free to leave at your leisure. Dr Keller will be back here next week to continue classes as normal. Thanks again, guys."

That was my cue. I leaped out of my chair, grabbed my bag and clambered over my seat onto the walkway and made a fast beeline for the exit. I didn't look over my shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning!!!!! Major, major lemon action. It gets pretty slash here, so if you want to wait and eventually skip to the next chapter you'll get the gist of what happened.**

**I hope this doesn't go too far. I still wanted to try and keep the natural language, and try to aim for it being somewhat, semi-realistic. Anyway, enjoy the show!  
**

Chapter Three: TCB (That's short for Taking Care of Business for any non-Elvis fans)

The lecture ended, and it was like a starter's pistol had gone off in my head. I bolted for the exit as fast as I could, not looking over my shoulder once.

I flung myself through the door to the men's room. Empty. Thank God! I went to the washbasin and turned on the faucet. The cold water on my face was a welcome distraction...and a complete waste of time. Seriously, who was I kidding? No amount of cold water was going to get rid of this boner.

Defeated, I rested my forehead against the washbasin.

_Calm the fuck down, Jasper. Jesus. You've had boners before, dude._  
_Yeah. But not because of a GUY._

There was only one thing for it. When there's a build up of pressure, you've got to find a release. I mean, it's physics, right?

Frustrated, I slammed my palm down on the washbasin.

I'm not a prude by any means, but I really, really hated the thought of jerking off in here. Well, not just that. There was also the whole problem of WHY I was jerking off in the first place. God. Such a rentboy move. Fluorescent lighting...pale green walls...nasty looking stains on the linoleum floor. Rawr. I may as well just go jerk off on the subway.

Ugh. Seriously. What the FUCK? Why was I so Brokeback over this guy? Again. Over. A. Guy. Well. Not just any guy. Admittedly, a smoking hot guy who looked like a cross between a greasemonkey and a Calvin Klein model. (I read magazines, I _know_ Edward Cullen's a good looking guy. I'm not blind.)

There was nothing else for it. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right? Filled with resolve, I stood up and stared myself down in the mirror.

_Okay big guy. Let's TCB._

Or not. Standing behind me in the mirror, I spied a complication.  
Complication, thy name is Edward Cullen.

_GODDAMMIT!! Some fucking day this is._

Leaning against the stalls, arms folded, wearing his smirk like a fedora, jacket slung over the cubicle door, he smiled at my reflection in the mirror.

"You bolted out of there kinda fast. I wanted to make sure you were okay." All smirking, all the time.

I turned to face him as I tried to remember how to talk.  
"Oh no man, I'm cool. Nature called. You know how it is." I forced a smile, and felt my boner grow.

The smirk left Edward's face as he uncrossed his arms and took a step towards me.  
"Jasper? I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable in there. It seemed like..."

We locked eyes. His gaze flickered as he seemed to lose his train of thought.

"Shit...," he muttered to himself, raking his fingers through his hair nervously. Wow. I'd never seen him get all...human like this. For a moment he actually looked kind of terrified. Staring down at his boots, he sighed, and then regarded me evenly once again. "Look. It seemed like I was reading your signals correctly. If I was wrong, then believe me when I say that I'm REALLY, truly sorry. I really am."

He sure did like apologizing. I was still staring at his face.

_Man, those eyes. They're like in that movie "Cat People", the time I snuck into the drive-in with my brother and those girls from the public school. Man, Natassja Kinski was hot. Whatever happened to her?_

Edward shifted his weight uncomfortably. I noticed that he was now staring at me expectantly.

_For fuck's sake Jasper, focus._

"Um. [cough] No, man...no...I guess you...shit. Honestly? I don't know if I'm short circuiting or...[clearing throat]. Yeah, the signals were mine. I have no idea how they got out there, or to you...Hell, I didn't even know I had them to send..." Edward's nervousness seemed to dissolve in front of me, his smirk slowly returning as he watched me try to babble my way out of this mess. I couldn't stop. "I just.. I mean, I think I knew what I was doing...I mean, look at you. Fuck. But I...this'll sound stupid but...I didn't really think about what would happen. You know?" In my mind I heard a sarcastic slow clap._ Way to go, tiger._

I leaned back against the wash basin and pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes. White lights danced in my vision. I grimaced in frustration at myself. Edward was silent. My eyes were still closed...a part of my brain wondered if he'd decided just leave for fear of more of my incoherent babbling. I spoke as much to myself as to him.  
"Look, Edward," I said tiredly, "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

And then he spoke.  
"I sincerely doubt that. Didn't you say something about TCB?"

Some of the blood from my cock rushed to my face as I realized I had said that TCB shit out loud. Jesus Christ could this day get any worse? Then I opened my eyes to see the face of Smirky McFuckMe, aka Edward Cullen mere inches away from my own. Smirking, of course.  
..and resting one large, long-fingered hand on my belt buckle.

I gulped, and glanced down past his hand at my crotch. Yep. Still had a boner. I looked back up, into the only pair fuckme eyes I've ever noticed on any guy EVER.

I muttered to myself, "What the hell" and I leaned in and bit his bottom lip.

Like a piston his free hand flew up and grabbed the back of my head, other hand still guarding my crotch, and he pulled me into what felt an awful lot like a super hot man-kiss. My brain was taking a while to catch up but my tongue remembered what to do. His mouth was warm, and though his lips were soft, the kiss was anything but sweet, or light, or like anything I'd ever had with a girl. It was forceful, strong, like he was challenging me with every movement. Our tongues limboed and hustled and rolled around like a couple of teenagers. I kept my eyes open. So did he. I was so deep into the kiss, and so worked up from the study session that I wanted to eat his face off. I wasn't afraid, or scared, or nervous. It was weird. I kissed harder, and without thinking I reached a hand around to his ass grabbed a handful. Rock hard. Just as I suspected. I slid my hand up underneath his shirt, sliding my palm up his warm, slightly sweaty back, and pushing him into me. He pushed back against me, and kissed me even harder, his end-of-the-day stubble rubbing against mine like good quality sandpaper. The friction felt so damn good, I nearly lost my mind. With my other hand happily commuting the distance between his back and his ass, I helped my other hand to that 'just-got-off-a-girl-hair'. I think it's safe to assume that it may not have been a girl he had gotten off. I wound my fingers through his hair, and found that it was thick, soft...a little greasy but not anywhere near as disgusting as I had thought it looked at first. I grabbed a handful of hair at the nape of his neck, and balled my hand into a loose fist while I pushed myself against him. He growled and bucked against me, his hand moving slowly away from my crotch, snaking lazily under my t-shirt, across my abs and pushing firmly into the small of my back, grinding my engorged boner into his pelvis.

_Oh fuck yes_.

One hand gripping his hair, one hand still occasionally squeezing that ass and my tongue mining his every molar and taste bud, it occurred to me that I was kissing a guy...and taking to it like a duck to water. I was noticing a trend in this little tug of war we had going on, and decided to try something. I balled the hand holding his hair into a tight fist, pulling his hair hard and jerking his head back slightly. His eyes widened and flashed, and I felt a smile play on his lips. I grinned as I sucked lightly on his tongue. He growled deep in his chest, and releasing his vice-like grip on the back of my head, and the other hand from my back, he clutched at the sides of my head with both hands, pulling me hard and deep into his kiss, shoving himself against me like he wanted to push his way into my skin. The only way we could have been any closer at that moment was if our organs somehow fused. Even so, I still felt a strange roaring sensation inside me, urging me to pull him closer. Closer. Closer. Closer still. I've never felt a hunger more primal than at that moment, locked in that steel-cage embrace with Edward Cullen. I thought of Trent Reznor and smiled to myself.

I felt good. Real good. Except that my cock was glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife (thank you Meatloaf, I knew I'd use that line one day), and I was T-minus mere nanoseconds from exploding in my jeans like a teenager at his first lap dance.

As if he could read my thoughts, Edward suddenly stopped devouring me and pulled away, regarding me with a heavy-lidded punch-drunk stare that made me want to do ALL the things I still had yet to do to a guy. I don't know why I was so filled with lust for him all of a sudden, but I kind of liked it.

He smiled. "So. That business that you were going to take care of...." Burning a trail as they went, his eyes slowly travelled to my crotch, which I'm almost certain was now visibly throbbing like an alien lifeform. "...Do you think it's something that I might be able to take care of for you?"

Fireworks and marching bands went off in my mind. I tried to remain somewhat calm.  
"I thought you'd never ask," I said nonchalantly, now wearing a shiny new smirk of my own.

He grinned.  
"Lesson number one, cowboy. A gentleman always asks."

Then: WHAM!

With both hands against my chest he pushed me up against the tiled wall between the washbasins, kissed me hard on the mouth, and then with his lips nuzzling my ear tickle-whispered, "Don't move."

He pivoted and walked quickly towards the door.

I knew he couldn't be leaving, unless I'd met the world's first male cocktease...so, head to the side like a confused dog, I watched him to see where he was going. I didn't mind watching him go.

He approached the men's room door and reached for the plastic yellow 'Cleaning in Progress' floor sign sitting in the corner nearest the door, opened the door, and sat it on the ground in front of the doorway. Then he closed the door, pushed the mop bucket with his foot and kicked it in front of the door.

And then he walked back towards me, smiling the smile of a man who was now very pleased with himself. I mentally applauded.

I realized then that although my heart was pounding like a rabbit's, and my mind was whirling like a crazed carousel, Edward's smirking confidence and decisive hunger he'd shown towards me was somehow...catching. I'd always been in tune with other people's emotions, but I usually only used it as a way to stop myself from standing out in a crowd, to blend in. But this was different. This was by far about to be the most freaknastiest situation I'd ever been in, and although some tiny part of my mind was completely terrified and paralysed with fear, I didn't care. Without even trying to, I was drafting off Edward Cullen. It explained the strange calm I'd felt when I'd looked at him in the lecture theatre, and why I was so suddenly all about putting my hands and my mouth all over this strange, magnetic guy.

I was about to say something smirky as he walked back to me, but then I felt cold air on my skin and realized he was on his knees, my jeans around my ankles, his thumbs already positioned inside the waistband of my boxers.

_Damn, he doesn't waste ANY time._

He expertly pulled my boxers out and down like a man who knows these things...and paused.  
"I hate to sound corny, but um...don't you need a license to carry something this big?" He was staring hungrily at my cock.  
He looked up at me. "Seriously. I'm surprised you haven't fainted."

I had my witty reply ready to go when his gently weathered, long-fingered hands began snaking up my thighs and grabbed my ass, slowly pulling me towards his hungry waiting mouth. He parted his lips slightly and slid them up and down the length of my shaft. I wanted a second mouth of his to kiss. I licked my lips and groaned low and hard. His warm, wet, surprisingly long tongue snaked around the base of my cock languidly...around again... up a little higher...down...around...slowly...maddeningly slow, given how urgent he'd been up til now.

"Edward, man, you're killing me..." I growled out loud as I twisted my fingers into his hair and pulled him to me. I slipped my other hand inside the neck of his t-shirt, roughly kneading his shoulder and loving that warm, sweaty feel of his skin, the way his muscles pulled and strained beneath my hand as he moved his tongue around my cock.

Luckily, like any redblooded man, Edward knew when to stop with the tease and start with the floorshow. He looked up at me and without blinking or breaking his gaze, slowly swallowed the entire length of my cock between those girlish lips. HOT.

I couldn't stand it. "OHHHHHhhhhmmmmnnnnnnn. Oh fuck yeah."

I wanted to call every girl who had ever blown me, every girl who I'd consoled afterwards and said, "Don't worry, it's not that important", to come see how it's really done.

Still staring up at me with that sleepy, fuck-me stare, my hands still tangled in his warm mess of hair, Edward moved one hand to the base of my cock and began sucking in and out, slowly increasing pressure and speed as he went, rolling that hotass tongue around and around til I thought my eyes would fall back inside my head. And just to show off, he'd find that secret spot on underside of my cock, right below the head, and flick it with his tongue a couple of times. God I love that spot.

_Oh fuck me that tongue._

"Ohhhhhh shit. Owmmmm....."

Slick and hot and so fucking hard, I watched my cock moved in and out of his mouth like it wasn't even attached to my body.

_Oh my god that fucking tongue. That fucking mouth._

He moved his hand from the base of my cock, still sucking and oh yeah licking.. and then firmly yet gently cupped my balls and held me as I shook.

"Ahhhmmmhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm oh fuck I'm gonna come...."

My knees shook and he deepened his stroke, sucking hard now, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. My knees shook again, then my feet went numb...then something exploded behind my eyes and I lost my hearing as I came harder than I have ever come before. Wave after wave after wave, Edward sucking like his life depended on it.

He pushed hard against me, swallowing every drop....

My hearing returned, and my vision cleared, and soon I was able to stand somewhat unaided. I looked down and with something close to jubilation I saw Edward was still sucking on my cock, gently now...that dirty fucker was milking my cock for every last drop. Who does that? Except for porn stars...and apparently Edward now too...seriously, no-one has ever done that for me. Girl, dog or beast. I almost got hard all over again just watching it.

I wanted his mouth back up with me, so I put my hands underneath his armpits and pushed upwards gently, giving him the signal that it's time to leave. He brought my pants with him as he stood up, zipped me up and rebuckled my belt. Then he wiped his mouth, and looked at me with that lazy smile.

I kissed him hard. I tasted myself, and it tasted better from his mouth than any mouth I'd ever tasted it in before.  
"Thank you", I whispered in his ear as I kissed his neck. "But I think that maybe there's something I can do for you now." He pulled back and looked at me questioningly. I shrugged. "Not that. I don't think I'm ready to return that favor just yet. But there's something I know how to do already, that I think I I want to do for you."

I grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around so his back was pressing against my chest. He was sweating hard now, it felt good. Then I wrapped my arms around him, locking his arms by his side and walked out from the wall, and turned so we were both facing the mirror. I edged him closer to the washbasin. Then I rested my head against his neck, and reached my hands around and unzipped his fly. He helped me push them down...and wouldn't you know it, he went commando. Of course. His cock was fully erect, nestled in a bush of rust colored hair. And he wants to talk to me about licenses for large weapons.

"That's some piece you've got there, " I murmured into his neck.

He grinned back at my reflection in the mirror.

Still staring into the mirror, I kept one hand at his crotch, rubbing his upper thigh. Then I brought my other hand to his mouth, and put my finger between his lips. He snaked out his tongue and licked it, and I dragged my palm over his mouth while he licked it wetly, hungrily. I turned my head to watch him do it...the mirror just didn't do it justice.

I took my now slick hand back down to his cock and put it around the base. And then I stared at his reflection in the mirror, and thought about the last time I jerked myself off and really meant it. And then I went to work. Long slow strokes up and down the base of his shaft, slowly increasing the pace and squeezing firmly, but not too firm. He was hard as a rock, and he was ready for it. He bent his head back onto my shoulder, biting his lip, his eyes half closed. With a little bit of exertion I managed to snake my other hand down and cupped his balls, rubbing my thumb up the underside of his cock. It worked for me, I figured it would work for him.

He moaned my name.

'Harder, Jasper. Harder. I want you to see me come for you.'

I watched in the mirror as my hand beat furiously up and down his shaft. I licked the spot just behind his ear, and he growled and I jerked him faster. His knees began to bend and he leaned hard into me. I could feel his hips bucking as he got closer to the tipping point. I pushed up against him to keep him standing up, and then bit into his neck to push him over the edge, watching in the mirror as his eyes widened and closed again. And then he shook and bucked again, reaching his hands back against the force of my arms and grabbing my ass. I I jerked even faster as I felt him coming. He groaned louder and bent forward, shouting as a stream of come flew into the washbasin, some on the backsplash, some on the floor. Well. It was a good idea in theory. Harder to control when it's not your own piece.

I closed my eyes and pressed my face into his neck, rubbing my hand across his abdomen, my other hand still at the base of his slowly fading cock.

"Mmmm. That was quite a favor you returned there. I wasn't expecting that," he murmured. I smiled into his neck. We stayed still like that for a few minutes, letting everything calm down and come to a complete halt before exiting the ride. Then he pushed my arms aside and pulled up his jeans, zipped his fly, and he turned to me and gave me a long, hard tongue-filled kiss.

He walked over to the cubicle where his jacket was hanging, and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" I realized I sounded like one of the many girls I'd slept with.

"Lesson number two, Jasper. Knowing when to stop." And he kicked the mop bucket aside and walked out of the men's room.

I looked down at my hand and noticed there was still a bit of...Edward...on my finger. I brought my hand to my mouth and licked it off thoughtfully, before I was fully aware of what I was doing. I widened my eyes in horror...then surprise...and then I shrugged.

_May as well start practiciing now. Because I am not going to be satisfied with just a bathroom blowjob from Edward Cullen._

Besides, he still had my phone to replace. I knew this would not be the last time that I saw Edward Cullen.


	4. Chapter 4

**[Thanks for the kind reviews! This chapter's pretty long (a lot happens, but it would be cruel to pull this one into two parts, I think)...Edward-free, sadly, minus flashbacks, but I promise he'll return quickly...and well, it gets kinda dark. (Oh: Lemon warning! Mature content ahead) It'll get darker for a few more chapters I think, but I hope enough to keep you all reading.]**

Chapter 4: Scary Monsters, Super Creeps

There I was, alone in the men's bathroom, minus one boner, and the proud owner of a shiny new man crush. I could feel the confusion starting to return, and knew that my state of adrenalin-fueled excitement was getting ready to all but disappear.

_Show's over Jasper. Can't stand here all day. _

I grabbed my bag off the floor, and headed out the door, casting a fleeting glance over my shoulder at the washbasin as I went.

_Goodbye, washbasin. Goodbye tiled wall. Good times, my friends. Good times._

I checked my watch. 3pm. Wow. We'd been in there for an hour? Felt like days.

_Time flies when you're getting it on with Edward Cullen.. _

I walked out to the hallway and looked around. 3pm on a Friday afternoon on campus…the place was a wasteland. You could practically see the tumbleweeds blowing by. I figured the first thing to do was hit the gym and burn off the rest of the adrenalin. And then maybe home. And then, inevitably, Alice's. I wasn't really looking forward to the Alice part. I loved her to death, and I did love being around her when we were together, but things had been kind of weird between us for a while, and after today I wasn't quite sure about how all of…this…would play out. Would I still be attracted to her? I'd never kissed a guy. I didn't know. Maybe it's like switch, and BAM!, suddenly girls are as attractive as macrame pot holders, and all I want to do is read JustUsBoys and listen to Frankie Goes To Hollywood and wear Lycra bike shorts. Maybe everything would be just the same. I didn't know. This was the kind of not knowing that I didn't really go for. I got in my car and drove to the gym.

*****

I left the gym at 5pm. I did a full 2 hours, which sounds totally crazy, I know. I normally only do an hour, but I was pushing myself harder this time, trying to burn off all the residual energy. There was a lot more than I realized. But I figured I'd just go til I wore myself out, go home, eat a burrito and crash for a few hours before I went over to Alice's. One of the personal trainers (who looked like a total roid head) actually came over and asked me if I was okay (I think he was legally obligated to ask)…and then gave me a free Gatorade and a pat on the back for 'taking it to the max'. Those guys are freaks. He probably thought I was a juicer too.

I showered off at the gym, dressed, and walked to the parking lot. I was kind of frustrated, because the workout hadn't cleared my head at all. I was exhausted, but my brain just would not shut down. The bathroom, Edward, the lecture theater, the blowjob, the hand job, all of it was rolling around and around in my mind, clanking and crashing against my skull like shoes in a washing machine. I was starting to feel kind of sick with it all now. The fun had definitely stopped. Guilt was creeping in, because I still had Alice to deal with, along with waves of nausea as I slowly realized I had no idea what I would say if I saw Edward again. When he walked out of the bathroom I was excited by the prospect of a new encounter with him, but as the hours wore on I just wanted to rewind the whole thing, erase it and pretend it never happened. The worst was the three words that buzzed in my vision like a diner sign. Am I gay? Am I gay? Am I gay? I kind of wished someone would just show up on my door step and hand me a certificate that says 'Congratulations, You're Gay!'…like Publisher's Clearing House or something. How would I know? Would I ever know? What if I never wanted to kiss a guy again? Would that make me a liar?

Ugh. I got in my car, switched on the ignition, and turned up the radio to drown out my thoughts. I pulled out of the parking lot and pointed my car towards home…20 minutes later as I passed the exit for my house, I realized that I really, really needed a drink. I got off at the next exit and pulled up in front of the local bar. It was a total dive, well-known and largely avoided for its reputation as an alcoholics' hideaway, but it was the perfect place to drink when you didn't want to talk to anyone. Social drinking has its place, but a medicinal drink now and again keeps me sane.

Two pints of Newcastle Brown and a chaser of whiskey later, I was feeling better. I bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter at the convenience store next door to the dive bar, lit one and practically inhaled the whole thing in one drag. I hadn't smoked in 6 months, but man it felt good to come back. I decided I may as well just drive over to Alice's now. But I figured I should call first, so I fumbled for some change and walked out to the payphone on the street. I dialed Alice's number, and she picked up on the second ring.

'Hello?'

'Hey Al. It's me, Jazz. Sorry I didn't call sooner. My cell phone broke at school today, and I hadn't been able to get to a phone.'

'Oh honey, your phone! That sucks. Well, I _was _kind of mad at you for not calling me back, but I guess you're forgiven now. Where _are _you?'

'I'm on a payphone outside The Lion. I stopped off for a couple of drinks after the gym, figured I'd just come straight over, if you want.'

'Ooh yes please! I want! Are you okay to drive?'

'Yeah. I only had 2 beers. Okay, I'm leaving now, I'll be there in 10.'

'Okay baby. See you soon!'

She sounded so chirpy and happy, I was thinking that maybe it was going to be okay seeing her tonight. Maybe she was just what I needed. Nine times out of 10, she was exactly what I needed. In fact, 10 times out of 10. Alice was so good at clearing away my funks and my dark moods. I mean, she was a bit of an emotional roller coaster herself, but she rarely got angry or depressed. She just cried, or threw a tantrum, and then she was back laughing her head off and smiling. I loved that about her. We'd known each other for so long, since high school, that we pretty much knew each other inside out. That was part of the problem with us. It was hard for the relationship not to get stale after knowing each other for so long, and having dated on and off for so many years. We had been together more than we'd been apart. Sometimes you felt like a married couple, a record stuck in the same groove. Last year we'd had most of our classes together, so our schedules meshed really well and we would lunch together and hang out all the time. This year we had totally different schedules, and she was on the other side of campus most of the time since she had picked up her Science minor. Once we realized how little time we were spending together, and how forced the time we _did _spend became, we agreed that it might be better to keep it casual. We were meeting new people, expanding our social circles, it seemed to make a weird kind of sense. It's been a weird time since then though. She dated, and I dated, and if we weren't seeing anyone, we'd hook up. It took a little getting used to, but it has mostly worked out okay. I learned pretty quickly that I was better off not knowing who she was seeing. I just assume she stays home and does needlepoint in a neck-to-ankle house dress. But I knew that she was probably dating a lot. Well, actively. She wasn't one to sleep around a ton. But she's so tiny and cute, and she's so beautiful, there's no way any guy _wouldn't_ want to just pick her up in his arms and carry her home with him. I still feel that way whenever I see her. But lately she'd been kind of distant when we were together, and yet really really needy when we were apart (text messages 10 times a day, at least, as an example) I wasn't really sure what was going on with her, or us. I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with the girls I'd been seeing, if some of that was getting back to her, or what. But right now, I was just glad that she was so cheery tonight.

I got to the door and it flung open, and Alice jumped into my arms and kissed me on the cheek. I grinned into her great-smelling Joan Jett hair, and wrapped my arms under her tiny little butt to keep her from falling.

"Hey beautiful. Happy to see me?" I walked her into the living room and kicked the door closed behind me.

She leaned back and grinned.  
"You betcha! I missed you today. They were showing 'To Kill a Mockingbird' on TCM this afternoon, and I texted you 10,000 times to get you to come over and watch it with me!"

I laughed, half-thinking that I'd been otherwise engaged, and then wiping the thought away quickly. God she was cute. I sat down on the couch, and she stayed in my lap and twisted her finger in one of my curls. I looked at her with a grin.  
"You mean you wanted Dil Harris to come over." It was an old joke. We both loved the movie and I did a really stupid impersonation of the weird little boy that was friends with Scout and Jem, named Dil Harris. So I put on the voice for her and said our favorite line from the movie. "Let's go down to the courthouse and see the room that they locked Boo up in. My aunt says it's bat-infested, and he nearly died from the mildew. Come on. I bet they got chains and instruments of torture down there."

She threw her head back and laughed that tinkly laugh of hers. Then she put on a crinkly frown and a bad southern accent.

"You're mighty puny for a seven year old"

I laughed and replied in my high-pitched Dil Harris voice, "I'm little but I'm old."

We laughed together, and she curled up against my chest. I looked down at her and smiled to myself. Man. This was like old days. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to still have this precious creature in my life, after everything we'd been through. The events of today were suddenly a distant memory, and I wondered what possessed me to see other girls when I had the real prize right here.

She looked up at me as I was smiling, and poked me on the nose.

"You went to the gym. Are you hungry?"

God, she was a mind reader.

"I really, really am. I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast." _Except Edward Cullen's tongue_. My heart jumped into my throat and I hurriedly cleared that thought away. Alice jumped up from my lap and skipped into the kitchen.

"Whatcha got?" I called out to her, still trying to shake the remnants of that last thought from my head..

I heard her opening the fridge door. "I've got leftover lasagna from last night…a microwave burrito…a half-open bag of salad…oh, and about 10 packets of Ramen that Emmett left behind when he stayed over last weekend."

I shook my head. Emmett. He was the size of a wrestler but ate like a 12 year old.

"Uhmmm. Burrito sounds good. Need some fuel. Maybe I'll try the lasagna later, when I'm ready for cuisine."

She laughed, and I heard her crank up the microwave. Then she called out again.

"I know you've already had a couple of beers, but I'm kind of thinking I might crack a Stella. You want?"

"You bet!" More beer was definitely in order. I don't usually drink quite so much so quickly, but I felt like I kind of had a buzz going, so I figured why not. Plus it made me nice and horny. Alice walked back into the living room holding two opened Stellas and parked herself back in my lap, facing me. She handed me a beer, and took a swig from her own.

"So. We got 5 minutes til burrito launch. What do you wanna do?" She grinned wickedly.

I kissed her gently. She smiled, and took another swig of beer, and pretended to look thoughtful.  
"Hmm. I don't know if we can do that and drink at the same time. We might spill something." I put my bottle to my mouth, tipped it upright and drained it in 30 seconds, and then put the empty bottle on the floor next to me.

"Problem solved. Now you."  
She looked at me with that evil grin, raised her bottle and drained it in even less time than I drained mine, then burped loudly and smiled. I kissed her on the nose, took the bottle from her hand and sat it on the floor next to mine.

"Atta girl. Let's rock."

She pushed her pelvis into my groin, leaned up against my chest and snaked her tongue in between my lips. Such a sweet-looking girl, but I loved the contradiction that that she could always play naughty when it counted. Made life with her nicely unpredictable. I stood up, picking her up with me, her legs wrapped around my waist. I grabbed her ass and kissed her deeply, and walked her down the hall into the bedroom.

I knew how to get there with my eyes shut, we'd been making this trek for a few years now.

Still locked in a deep, passionate kiss, I lay her down on the bed, and lay on top of her, pushing myself up on one elbow so that I didn't crush her little frame entirely. Then I slipped my free hand under her shirt, and ran it slowly across her stomach up to her nipple, soft and puffy atop her small, beautiful breast. I lightly circled her nipple with one finger, casually around, and around, and around. as I kissed her more and more deeply. I knew she liked it. She moaned into my mouth and pushed one leg in between mine, bending her knee and pushing her thigh up against my groin. I felt my cock swelling in my jeans, and pushed back against her, slowly bumping and grinding as I kept circling her nipple with my finger. Then I pinched it between my thumb and index finger, rolling it between my fingertips. She moaned again.

"Oh Jazz" she said into my mouth, as she arched her back into me, and twisted her fingers deep into the curls of my hair.

I pulled away from the kiss, and moved my mouth to that spot underneath her ear…

_Where you kissed Edward after you jerked him off...  
_

…aaaa-nnnd moved my tongue down her neck, trying to shake that image from my head. Better change the scenery quickly.

I pulled up her shirt and moved my head down to her other breast, and lightly lapped at the nipple with my tongue, still rolling the other nipple between my fingers. I licked around this one, slowly, feeling it pucker and harden, and then took it into my mouth and sucked gently. She writhed against me. I pulled down her sweatpants and her panties, and slowly moved my hand from her nipple down between her legs, still sucking her other nipple with my mouth as she groaned and writhed against me. I looked down and could tell just from looking that she was already wet. I still loved that she shaved for me. I slipped just the barest tip of my finger between her lips and moved it back and forth, lightly against the wetness. She spread her legs wider and arched her back. I kept sucking her nipple as I slowly rubbed my finger up and down her wet slit, gently biting her nipple between my teeth every now and again, just to make sure that she would come a little bit harder for me when the time arrived.

'Yeeeooooooowwwwwhhhh'

I loved that sound, like a long meow. She dug her fingernails into the back of my neck and pushed down against my shoulder with the palm of her hand. I knew that signal well.

I knew she was ready so I didn't waste any time, and went straight to her warm, wet cunt with my tongue and snaked it deep inside her, licking hard, pushing down deeper, deeper still, then sliding back, curling my tongue up against her g-spot as I drew it slightly out, then pushing it back in, and in deeper again, then out slowly, my lips moving and sucking on her clit, sucking against her pussy lips, squeezing the tops of her thighs like I was making out with her whole cunt. I loved this part. A lot.

'Yeeeeooww. Owwwwwhhh….Ohhhhmmmmmm…Ohhhh Jazzz. Do it. Harder. More. Ohhhhhhh fuck."

I knew she was watching me now, so I drove my tongue deep inside her cunt, the walls contracting and relaxing as I rubbed my tongue in and out, and then pulled it all the way out slowly, pushing against g-spot as I drew my tongue all the way out so she could see me, her juices dripping from my tongue as I moved up and flicked her clit fast with my slick, warm tongue, back and forth. I slid two fingers into her pussy, curling them up against her g-spotl as I pumped them in and out of her. She practically screamed out loud.

"Fuck Jazz. Fuck fuck fuck…ohhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwww.

I pulled my fingers out, rubbing them against her clit as I dove my tongue back inside her cunt as she came, rolling it around and around as bucked in orgasm against me and dragged her hands through my hair. I lapped at her cunt a few more times to get all of those tasty juices…and kissed her deeply down there before I moved back up to say hello and receive my thanks.

She looked at me sleepily, licked my chin and then kissed me long, and deep.

"Mmmmmmm. I will never, ever get tired of that, Jazz. You're amazing."

I kissed her back, and felt her hands move down to my ass. She opened her eyes wide in mock horror.

"Why Jasper, you're still wearing your pants! We need to fix that."

Then she pushed me on my back, and crawled down the bed to remove my belt and unzip my jeans. She thumbed my boxers out and down over my engorged cock, and then pulled the boxers and jeans off me completely and threw them on the floor.

She smiled at me once, and then she knelt down between my legs and took my cock in her mouth. Before I knew it, I was tensing up.

It wouldn't go in all the way. It never had. But she had always been good at compensating for that small lack. She was excellent with her hands so it had never been a big deal. I'd always thought she gave a great blow job. But now Edward Cullen was firmly planted in my mind. As she slipped my cock into her mouth, in my mind I could see Edward deepthroating me. My eyes closed, the muscles in my neck and jaw tight, I reached down and put my hand behind her head, giving her a little push. I never, ever did that to her before. But I thought, maybe, just this once.

_Just a little deeper, Alice, please_.

She resisted, keeping her head still and linked her fingers into mind gently pulled my hand from her head. She put her other hand against my balls, and started sucking up and down a little more urgently, moaning softly to herself. I reached out my hand and pinched her nipple, and she moaned again. I liked the sound, but I was still distracted. 

_Edward sucking hard...harder....Edward rolling that fucking tongue over my cock....Agh fuck..._

Alice's mouth was so tiny, and her tongue was working so hard,…but, and I hated myself for feeling this way...it felt so forced. I knew she was looking at me, and I knew she was doing all the right things and wanting me to respond. But I kept my eyes screwed up tight, just trying my best not look annoyed. I couldn't look at her. I just couldn't. It was all wrong. It wasn't hard enough, or fast enough…her tongue was all wrong. Her hand was so small and feminine against my balls, I could hardly feel it.

I couldn't help it. I brought my hand up to the back of her head, and really pushed this time.

She growled a little and threw it off again. She kept sucking, and rolling her tongue around, changing her grip, rubbing her lips over the tip of my cock. But then, to my absolute horror, I started to feel myself go limp. My boner was going away. Well. Not slackening, but the urgency was leaving. I wasn't going to come like this. I could just feel it.

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Why is this happening to me._

I'd only had 3 beers. And a shot of whiskey. I could always, always maintain a boner, even after 10 beers, and I could always come when I wanted to. Even during some the world's worst blowjobs, I'd kept myself hard and forced myself to come. But now I was losing the boner altogether, and I had no control over it. Alice's usually awesome blowjob was leaving me cold and I knew exactly why. I don't think it had much to do with the beer. I didn't want to go limp in her mouth and think it was her fault. _No fucking way. _This was my own stupid fucking fault.

Now I was scared. And angry.

_Fuck Edward Cullen. Motherfuck him. Why me. Why the FUCK me. _My thought turned to Alice, still plugging away at my fading boner. _Oh come ON. Suck a little harder. Jesus fucking Christ this is bullshit._

I whipped my hand back up to Alice's head and pushed her again, hard this time. Harder than I should've. Shoved is a better word for it. She reached her hand up and tried to pull me away, but I grabbed at her wrist and pushed her head down again, trying to hump my cock into her mouth, just trying to get some of the force back into the blowjob, trying desperately to stop my cock from going completely limp.

She strained her head back against my hand and pushed back hard with all the force in her neck and shoulders. Her mouth pulled away from my cock, and she sat up and slapped her hands down hard on my stomach, her voice full of blind fury

"Jesus CHRIST, Jasper!! What the fuck is wrong with you?? I'm not Linda Lovelace!! Are you trying to fucking choke me????"

I opened my eyes and saw that she had tears in her eyes, her eyes a little wild. I realized I was holding onto her wrist. I let go.

She looked scared. Really scared.

"Alice, I…" Just looking in her eyes scared the shit out of me.

_I did that to her. I scared her. God she must think I'm some kind of sick fuck rapist. What the FUCK is wrong with me?_

"FUCKING HELL!!!!

I jerked myself away from her, threw myself off the bed and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me as tears of embarrassment and anger stung my eyes. In desperation I grabbed Alice's Jergens from under the washbasin and pumped a gob into my palm. I stood in front of the washbasin, cock in hand and started tugging furiously at my cock, all the rage and frustration welling up inside me as I watched myself cry, tears streaming down my face as I tried desperately to rub one out. _Please oh please. Please just come. Come on!! Fuck!!!! FUUUUUUCCCCCK. _I was jerking hard now, too hard, but I didn't care. I flashed on jerking off Edward in the men's bathroom this afternoon, and jerked even harder. I jerked and I jerked, grimacing in frustration as my cock started to hurt. The more I jerked, the more and more limp it became til it was completely flaccid, and now throbbing in pain, covered in stupid fucking lotion. I threw the lid of the toilet seat down and sat with my head in my hands, quietly heaving sobs. The worst humiliation of all. Losing my boner in front of Alice. Because of Edward fucking Cullen. How do I explain that? Sorry Alice, I practically raped your throat because a guy blew me in the bathroom today and I wanted you to do it more like that? How the fuck do you say that? Hallmark doesn't make an apology card for that, I don't think. I heard a thump come from Alice's bedroom, then the quiet padding of her feet as she walked out to the living room. The refrigerator opened, closed. Then I heard her crying.

_Jesus Christ. What the fuck have I done. _

I stood up and splashed cold water on my face, for the second time today. Then I opened the bathroom door and went back to the bedroom to put on my jeans. I walked into the kitchen quietly, following the sound of Alice's sobbing.

She was curled up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen under the counter, hugging her knees, tears pouring from her wild, staring, scared eyes. I sat down on the floor against the refrigerator, facing her. The sobbing stopped and she looked at me with anger, wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and quickly stood up.

"I think you need to leave."

I got up, and cleared my throat.

"Alice. I'm sorry I scared you. I …"

She glared at me, eyes flashing with fury, angrier than I'd ever seen her.

"I don't want to hear it Jasper. I don't want to hear anything except the door closing behind you when you leave. You got it? You don't act like that in my house, under my roof, in my FUCKING BED," she shouted at me. Her face was livid. "No-one treats me like that, Jasper. Not you, not anyone. Whatever 'issues' you've got, you go work them the fuck out, and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!" She stood, pointing at the door, her tiny hand shaking with rage.

I walked out the door, pulling it behind me as I went.

I fished my keys out of my pocket, fumbled to unlock the car, got in, leaned my head against the steering wheel and howled in pain, slamming my fists against the steering wheel. Why would I do that? Why would I hurt the only person I've ever loved? Who the fuck except a heartless fucking monster deliberately hurts Alice? I turned the ignition and gunned the motor, pulling away before Alice had a chance to see me crying.

**[Sincere apologies to sweet, sweet little Alice. I will try to make this right somehow.]**


	5. Chapter 5

**[Still in semi-darkened territory…poor Jasper. No lemons this time, just for a nice change. I hope I can keep your attention without boring you too much, horny devils.]  
**

Chapter 5: Welcome to the Bell Jar

Hiding from the world in your living room teaches you a few things.

One: Daytime TV sucks...really, really sucks;  
Two: Sam Waterston, the cranky, shouty DA from 'Law And Order' has the same middle ear infection as Billy Mays, the crazy shouty infomercial guy;  
Three: All microwaveable food inevitably tastes the same;  
Four: There is no such thing as too much sleep; and  
Five: Life is a lot simpler when you don't leave the house.

Since the horrible scene on Friday night with Alice, I'd been holed up in my living room, curtains drawn, my TiVo set for Season-Pass on every inane rerun and talk show in sight, and in general doing my best to model myself after Bob Geldof in _The Wall_. After coming home from Alice's that night, staying awake all night and well into Saturday afternoon, crying and thinking ad nauseum, something in my brain finally shut down. Or snapped. Or shorted. Basically, I powered down to 'sleep' mode, and as the day wore on, the couch got more and more comfortable as I stared blankly at the TV. 2am on Sunday morning I went to the store to stock up on frozen food, Ramen, soda, cigarettes and beer. I emailed a college buddy at 4am and told him I had glandular fever and wasoff school for two weeks, and to please forward any assignments. Not that I'd do them. But I needed deniability. Nan left a message on my answering machine, and I almost picked up the phone when I heard her voice...but as much as I loved my grandmother, and loved her monthly care packages of food and the fact that she paid my rent and tuition, I just didn't want to deal with anything, or anyone.

By mid-week I had almost successfully wiped my mind clear of Alice, Edward and the radioactive waste that was my life outside of my living room. They still flashed into my mind occasionally, triggered by an image on TV, or a crazy dream...but it was like I'd locked them in the basement and moved my life upstairs into the attic. I kept them far enough away that they didn't interfere with my day-to-day life. They were there, but if I didn't acknowledge them, they didn't exist.

I stuck to a strict dietary regime that was nutritionally guaranteed to deaden my senses: sugar and carbs. Rinse and repeat. Add a continual stream of bad TV, and it was a perfect storm of enforced sloth and neutral brainwaves. I avoided all forms serious intellectual stimulation. No books, no TCM, HBO or Sundance Channel, no PBS, no NPR, no music (TV theme songs and commercial jingles being the only exceptions), no physical activity and absolutely NO porn. Okay, so porn is hardly _intellectual_ stimulation, but honestly, pussy and tits and dicks and asses were the root of all my problems. I'd barf if I even looked at anything like that. I knew that would cost me my man card, but after everything I'd put myself through, I was ready to tear the fucking thing up. Fuck being a dude. Fuck being...conscious. I smoked, drank and ate my way through my days. Nights I mostly dined on beer and cigarettes, foregoing food almost entirely. I was sliding down the rabbit hole and I didn't care one bit.

****

The clean living, exercise-loving Jasper was almost completely departed by the time Day Seven rolled around. Which made the next turn of events a little surprising. Lying on the couch trying to decide if I wanted to get up or not, I noticed patches of sunshine on the carpet. _Sunshine. I remember sunshine…_ I heard the faint sound of birds outside the living room window. _Birds!_ Then my stomach growled, and I was struck by mild craving for food. Not microwave food. Real food. A craving that couldn't be silenced by coffee. It even occurred to me as I lay looking at the sun patches that I might want to take a shower. Maybe put on some real clothes. I peeked through the blinds at the street. _Outside. Daylight. _As if on autopilot I was suddenly in the shower and furiously washing away the past week's funk, shaving off my pathetic excuse for a beard (my limited capacity for growing manly hair has already been noted, let's not dwell on it), exchanged my reeking week-old sweats for clean clothes, grabbed my wallet, keys and sunglasses, and opened the front door.

Like a ground-dwelling mammal emerging after a long winter's sleep, I walked slowly down the front path to the sidewalk, squinting as I fumbled for my sunglasses. Everything was so bright. And loud. Man. How did I ever cope? But the sun felt good against my skin. Okay, so it's not like I'd been in the house for a year, but seriously, seven days in a dimly-lit room is a long time, especially for someone who likes the outdoors and works out at the gym every day.

My stomach growled again and I remembered my 'real food' craving. I decided to hit the taqueria a few blocks away, known for freshly made home-style Mexican fare and burritos the size of a baby's arm. Rice, beans, salsa, carnitas...all the basic food groups. My stomach growled in agreement. A modest walk, but plenty of exercise for my body while it climbed out of the sugar coma. I started thinking about hitting the gym tomorrow.

I walked past the gas station at the end of the block, and noticed a beautiful black and chrome '69 Dodge Charger sitting at one of the filling pumps. She was a beauty. I'd gone through a gearhead phase in high school, and while I let everyone think that I grew out of it, in reality I just internalized it. The love had never really left. I loved old muscle cars, and dreamed of one day buying and rebuilding a Dodge Challenger. But the Charger was a _fiiiiiine_ piece of metal. It was all I could do not to walk over and rub my hand over the side panel, peek through the window at the interior, ask the owner to pop the hood when he/she came back...I shook my head. I didn't want to talk to the owner. Or anyone else for that matter. Just walking in the sunshine was enough for now.

I hit the taqueria in modest time, got my carnitas burrito (with everything) to go, plus an extra order of rice and beans on the side, and a bag of tortilla chips and 4 little cups of extra hot salsa. It might sound excessive but this was kind of a big event. Real Food!!! Soon I was out the door, plastic to-go bag in hand, practically whistling as I walked back home, imagining that awesome burrito working its magic in my deprived stomach.

I passed the gas station again, and saw that the Charger was still there. Sure, by today's standards they're gas-guzzlers, but half an hour to fill the tank? Maybe the owner was using the restroom or something. Then I saw a rust-colored head of hair appear behind the rear end of the car. I knew that hair.

Edward.

_AAAAAAAGGGGGRRRRRH!!!_

A tsunami of repressed emotion rose up from the pit of my stomach so quickly I nearly puked on the sidewalk, but I didn't stop walking. I stared straight on, not looking, not slowing, and kept Right. On. Walking. I was pretty sure he didn't see me. My hands were shaking.

_Why did I leave the house? Birds. Sunshine. Cocksuckers. This whole thing was a waste of time. I just knew it. AND he fucking drives a Charger. Fuck you. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfu---_

A pair of boots locked step with me as I was preoccupied with burying myself under the weight of my inner monologue. Edward walked beside me, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, hair falling in his eyes as usual, staring casually ahead like it ain't no thang. I kept walking. My shaking hands were clenched into fists.

Then he held something in front of me.

"I didn't see you on campus this week. Figured you might want this." He opened his hand, and I saw that it was a new phone. The next model up from the one that I broke. I took it from his hand quickly, and put it in my pocket.

"Thanks" I muttered, and kept walking.

He stopped mid-stride.

"Wait", he said, a slight irritation in his voice.

I stopped. Took a deep breath. I turned around.

"What?" I said, impatiently.

"I have the charger and the manual and all that other junk in the car. Come back with me and I'll give you all the stuff. It seems like you're in a hurry or something, so you may as well just have it all now." He sounded a little impatient too, acting like he didn't care either way. I knew he did. But I sure didn't.

I stared at him for what seemed like at least an hour, then said, "Some other time."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Don't be an ass. Come get the rest of your shit. Jesus."

I wanted to explode and scream in his face. In my mind, I was. But I drew a breath.

"Okay. Alright. Whatever, " I said in a bitchy, irritated way. God, I was so _emotional_. It was making me tired. I started walking back to the car, slower so that I didn't quite catch up to him. I could feel my burrito growing colder by degrees.

_Fucker. _

He opened the car door..._cream leather seats oh you fucking cunt I could kill you right now_...and he leaned and grabbed a wireless store shopping bag from the passenger seat. He handed it to me. I took the bagfrom him. Manufacturer's box and all the other add-ons were inside.

He gestured to the car.

"Can I give you a ride?"

I took off my sunglasses and let him see clearly my bloodshot eyes, the dark circles, and the purple eyelids. I stared at him evenly, and said,

"No."

And walked away.

I was halfway down the block when I heard the distinct rumble of a '69 Charger engine. I wanted to kick the fucking door in, but I restrained myself. It's not the car's fault it's being driven by a cocksucking motherfucker who seemed hell-bent on helping me lose my ever-loving mind.

He leaned over and rolled down the passenger window.

"Get in."

I stopped in my tracks. _Was he high? What the fuck?_

"I'm sorry?"

"You heard me. Get in the car, Jasper." He pulled the car to a stop, leaving the engine idle. He stared out over the steering wheel, not looking at me.

I walked to the window and said in a low, angry voice,  
"Fuck you, and FUCK your Charger. I'm not going anywhere with you. I can barely stand here and talk to you. This is the first time I've left my house in a week. You think I'm just going to jump in your car and blow you? Who the fuck do you think you are? "

I hoped that the sound of the engine would disguise from passersby the fact that these two semi-attractive men, were for all intents and purposes, having a bitch fight. Having done my best not to feel anything for the past week, it was pretty cathartic. And draining as it was, I could understand some of why girls chose this over fist fights.

Edward wheeled around in his seat and seemed to throw himself towards the window.

"For fuck's sake Jasper, grow up. I'm not cruising for you! Jesus Christ." It was the closest he'd come to shouting. He was furious. "Fuck you, Jasper. Just…fuck you." He glared at me for a long, long time. I waited, not moving, staring right back at him, just as angrily. Eventually he backed off a little, like he was trying to swallow his anger. He returned to something like his normal speaking voice. "Look Jasper. You don't want to be here, and believe me, I _really_ don't want to be here..."

I gave a snort of disbelief.

He shook his head. "I don't mean 'here' here, but you know…alive. Around. You want to escape. I want to escape. I have the means to get us the _fuck_ out of here. Honestly, Jasper. The only thing I want to do right now is drive a long way for a really long time. It wouldn't kill me to have you as a passenger. As a friend. Misery loves company, or whatever. I'll take you anywhere, Jasper, and I won't say a word. We'll just drive."

I knew this was one of those stupid Robert Frost 'roads diverging in a narrow wood' moments.

_Seriously, Robert Frost can eat a dick. _

Despite everything I was feeling, Edward's last three words were all I needed to hear.

I opened the door, sat down in the passenger seat (slyly smoothing my hand against the soft leather seat and committing the entire interior to memory while mentally drooling). He gunned the engine, shoved the shift into first and we pulled away with a satisfying rumble of the engine.

I looked at him and held up my bag of lukewarm burrito, rice and beans.

"But I'm eating this here. I don't care what you say."

**[Oh and sorry everyone, but I make NO apologies for subbing out Edward's silver Volvo for a 69 Charger. The glitter and the volvo had to go.)**


	6. Chapter 6

**[I almost feel like I should apologise that there's no lemons AGAIN...but you know what? This ain't Penthouse Forum! After the lemons I've already delivered, you think I'd just stop? The lemons are on a brief hiatus, with good reason. Come on: after everything I put Jasper through already, do you really want the poor boy cornholed NOW? I didn't think so. But I promise that I will not leave you all hanging. There'll be payoff soon. Not immediately soon. But soon. We've got some MAJOR angsty drama to get through right now.] **

**Chapter 6: The Road Goes on Forever**

We drove for a long time. I inhaled my burrito, rice, beans and chips _and_ salsa within the first 20 minutes (spreading napkins all over myself like a crazy OCD freak to make sure I didn't get any grease on Edward's immaculate car interior). After that, for the most part I just stared at the scenery as it flew by, in that way where you're seeing it but not really looking. We didn't talk, we didn't turn on the radio..the beautiful rumble from the Charger's engine was music enough to my ears. Eventually I slept, lulled into reverie by the engine and the road noise, and the general silence inside the car. The seat was incredibly soft, almost as good as a mattress in the recline position. It was probably the best sleep I had had all week: I wasn't crashing out from sugar, or passed out from too much beer, or sleeping out of sheer boredom. The confrontation with Edward must have worn me out more than I realized. Plus I'm sure my stomach was so overjoyed to receive non-processed food that it worked double time to absorb it.

I don't know how long I was out. When I woke up, we were driving up a steep hill surrounded on all sides by thickly wooded forest, climbing a narrow, winding, barely paved road. Unlike newer cars, the Charger purred as though we were on the flat.

_Sigh. They don't make them like they used to._

It was beautiful here...wherever we were. The forest was so lush and green and untouched. By the same token, the isolation did make it just a _little_ creepy. Maybe Edward was secretly a serial killer who stalked ... hmmm...men on the verge of nervous breakdowns? Yeah, maybe not. But this was serious 'His body was found 10 years later' country. We rounded a few more turns, and then Edward veered the car into what looked like a concealed driveway. I couldn't see a house. We drove further and further down the narrow driveway/lane, half expecting it to end back on the highway. Then he stopped the car and got out.

_Holy shit, he's going to club me over the back of the head with a shovel._

I looked around to try to figure out why we had stopped, if not to dig a shallow grave. Hidden back off the track in the thick of the forest was a cabin. The dark natural wood camouflaged it well. It was kind of cool, rustic-looking. I just prayed it didn't have a dirt-floor basement or a 2-inch steel door with a lock on the outside. Do I sound paranoid? What do you expect? I spent seven days holed up in my living room watching nothing but daytime TV. _Law and Order. Cold Case_. _48 Hour Forensics_. _E True Hollywood Story_. I had learned a thing or two about shallow graves and MO's, let me tell you.

I noticed that Edward was now standing in front of the car facing me, obviously waiting for me to snap out of my paranoid delusions and get the hell out of the car. I unclipped my seat belt and got out, breathing in the crisp, pine mountain air. I stretched and looked around.  
"Where are we?"  
"About 20 miles north of Jefferson. This cabin used to belong to my parents. It's kind of ... my hiding place."  
I caught the clip in his voice at the 'used to' when he mentioned his parents. I knew that tone well.  
"So... you live here?"  
"Kind of." I figured that was the end of that subject.  
"Huh." I looked around, and then squinted up at the sky. The trees were so tall you could barely see daylight from down here.

Edward walked towards me and stopped a short distance away...a safe distance...facing me. I had avoided looking him in the eye too much since we had our little bitch fight outside my house. I saw there was an intense, sad look in his eyes that made me want to hug him in spite of myself...or at least give him a manly pat on the shoulder.  
"Jasper?" He was almost whispering.  
"Uh huh?" I kept my face open. I mean, I was still angry at him but I wasn't going to to block him completely. Now wasn't the time to be a dick. Call it guy's intuition.  
"This..."..he circled my face in the air with his outstretched hand, I assumed gesturing at my general pallor of unhealthiness, "...This is because of me, isn't it." It wasn't as much a question as it was a statement. His eyes welled, and he clenched his jaw.

I swallowed. I hadn't banked on him caring that much. I mean, just the sight of him killed me inside, but so far I'd just taken the whole situation as my own stupid fault. I never thought about it being a two way street, or ever considered that Edward would shoulder _all_ of the blame.

"Yeah. Well. I guess I didn't realise how much what I did last Friday would feed so much into the rest of my life. It took over everything and I just...I wasn't prepared for the consequences. I mean, you heard me in the restroom that day. I had no idea what I was doing. So, I guess it's not a huge shock that I kind of fell apart in the aftermath. But, yeah...I guess I wasn't ready to own it, you know?" He nodded, staring at the ground. I studied his face as I spoke. No tears. Man, he was tough. Either that or really, really repressed. "It's just...I mean, shit got really weird with my girlfriend and I -- "

His head snapped up and he stared at me, eyes wide with horror. That look stopped me dead in my tracks.

"You still had a girlfriend? When we...?" His voice was almost a whisper.

I noticed that he had used 'still' when he mentioned my girlfriend...but I let that thought go because he looked like he was going to take a swing at me. "Yeah. I mean, we've been on and off for years, and we kind of had a weird situation the past 6 months or so, but I still consider her to be my girlfriend...well...until Friday"

He stepped close to me, eyes practically on fire now, jaw clenched so hard I thought his teeth would shatter. He pushed his finger firmly into my chest as he spoke.

"Hear me when I say this. Because I'll only say it once. I would _NEVER_ have done _ANY_ of the things I did with if I had I known you still had a girlfriend. That might sound like a cliche, but it's true. You can experiment with me all you like, Jasper. But not at the expense of another person. Jesus! And honestly, I don't even need to hear about Friday night to know exactly how it happened with you and your girlfriend." He practically spat the world 'girlfriend'. I could see the fury boiling behind his eyes. He was like a runaway train now. "Seriously, Jasper? You have no IDEA how fucking played out your story is. So before you go opening up to me about how fucked up your life is because of me, spare me the details. I've been here before, Jasper. I'm not doing it again. I'm done with transition fucking. I'm DONE with the fucking lying and indecision. I'm DONEwith the midnight phonecall from the hysterical girlfriend screaming at me that I stole her boyfriend, or raped her boyfriend, or ruined her life, that if she kills herself it'll be my fault." He must have caught the disbelief on my face. That set him off even more. "That's what happens, Jasper! That's exactly what happens! You really have no fucking idea, do you? When you finally tell her the whole sordid story, assuming that you're man enough to actually admit to any of it, you'll tell her you didn't know what was going on, that it all happened so fast, that he was all over me before I could do anything...and drop all responsibility like a hot fucking coal. Trust me. You will. Even if you think you won't, you will. And all I can say is Fuck. That. Shit. I know who I am. I know what I want. I want you, and I have for a long time. If you don't want that, tell me now. But don't think you can just break off a piece of me now whenever you want because I gave you a blowjob and suddenly you can't get it up with your girlfriend anymore. That's not how this works. I fucking HATE you for this, Jasper! I really do." He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his jacket and lit one furiously, and dragged half the cigarette before he exhaled.

I was reeling. Hate me? What the fuck for? But I guess he wasn't finished, because he kept right on going, only pausing to suck on the cigarette, though it did seem to calm him slightly. Less ranting, now just kind of raving.

"I've been chewing myself up from the inside, hating myself for leading you to this place. That was never, ever my intention. So to find out you were seeing someone? Here's the thing, Jasper. I know the difference between you and me. You have no fucking clue one what you want one day to the next. Your actions and your thoughts are magnetic opposites. Every day is a surprise to you. Me? Like I said before, I know what I want. You...you don't know what you fucking want. _I_ don't know what you want. And yet as far as your actions are concerned, it's like you're content to be a walking contradiction to yourself. Until your actions line up with your thoughts and you decide who you are and what you want, you're far too dangerous for me. Whether you give up on me and stay with your girlfriend, or set her free and...well, whatever...you need to make a decision. Maybe the first real decision you've ever made. You know. Own your fucking life for once."

I was seething with rage by the time he'd finished this endless fucking lecture/monologue. Who'd he think he was? Moses? But I had to get something out of the way first.

"You said you've wanted me for a long time. Just how long are we talking here?" I waited for his answer as he stared at me passively.

"No. Sorry. I'm not doing this with you, Jasper. I'm not going to spill my story just so you can have a reason to substitute her for me. 'He's loved me for this long, he must be the right choice for me." And then a month later it's not how you thought it would be and you're walking out the door. No way." He exhaled quickly and stamped out his cigarette to further punctuate the point.

Walking out the door. That really hit a nerve. I was pissed.

"FUCK you Edward. You don't know a thing about me. You can talk all you like about how you've loved me for however long, and how you've been there before and this is all so predictable for you. THIS IS MY LIFE!! I don't give a SHIT about you and what you've seen. I don't KNOW you. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me. I mean, come the fuck ON, Edward. Jesus. Last Friday was the first time we ever spoke. Before that you were just a douchey guy who as far as I knew held up the walls in the Quad. I don't know a fucking thing about you and you want me to DECIDE? Decide what exactly? Fuck you." I wheeled around on the spot, pacing like a caged animal, trying to collect my thoughts. I pounced. "Let me turn the tables on YOU, Edward. How do I know you're not some crazy fag who can't keep a real relationship and fucks straight guys for the thrill of the chase? Huh? How do I know you're not grabbing ass with every straight guy in town? How do I know that you won't just give me the hiv and quit town?" He reeled at that, and I saw his hands turn to fists as he raised his chin, his eyes wide. Good. Fuck him. I was far from done. "See? Exactly! I DON'T KNOW YOU, EDWARD! I have got every RIGHT to be scared shitless. I've got RIGHT to my indecision. You are a big, empty, fucking question mark to me. I don't have to decide SHIT. So don't fucking stand there and lecture me about how I have to decide my life and fucking _future_ with you." I lowered my voice, the anger still glowing behind it. "I'm _all_ for blind faith, Edward. I take calculated risks all the fucking time. But I will not jump off a cliff blindfolded, Edward. Not for you, not for anyone. I need to know that someone is going to be there when I land. I need to know that I won't be alone when this is done. I'm pretty sure I've lost Alice, and she was the truest thing in my life, and I don't fucking care if you've heard it before because you're going to hear it again. She let me screw around with anything that moved, and she loved me anyway. I didn't deserve one single minute that I spent with her and I threw all of that away, because I let you get in my head, or because god forbid, I wasn't quite in control of my actions on the one fucking day you met me. Right now, I don't know if I even have _myself_ anymore, let alone Alice. I don't have anything." My voice cracked. But I kept going. "You know what I need? I need to know that I'm standing on solid ground, and I need to know that I'm not going to fall apart any more than I already have. I need to know that this won't get worse. And when I look at you, I don't know any of that. I don't need to fucking _decide_."

I walked past him into the woods behind the cabin. And then I stopped because I couldn't walk anymore, because of the tears that were burning my eyes and pouring down my cheeks.

I heard Edward's footsteps as he walked up behind me. I froze, and he stopped. Then I felt him rest his forehead between my shoulder blades. We stood that way for a long, long time. Then gently, he took my hand in his, stepped back and pulled my hand with him, as if he was taking me somewhere.

I looked at him through tears. All of the anger was gone from his face, but he was unreadable.

"Come with me."

**[Nope, no mansion in the woods, either. Bummer, huh?]**


	7. Chapter 7

**[At this point I'd just like to say that I'm less of an author here than a spiritual medium. The stuff that's coming out is pretty much beyond my control at this point. So I could apologise again for the lack of anything remotely citrus flavored...but it seems like Edward has a story he needs to tell, and I think it's about bloody time we got to see what's under that mysterious hood of his. But then, gentle reader...be careful what you wish for. A little dark, but there's light at the end of the tunnel, and I do smell the faintest hint of forthcoming lemons...stay tuned]**

Chapter 7: Hurt

Still holding on to my hand, Edward led me into the forest.

_Maybe he was taking me with him on his quest to Mount Doom to destroy the ring. One ring to rule them all.._

There was a barely visible path leading away from the cabin through the trees. To what, exactly, remained unclear. I'm glad Edward knew where we were going, because I didn't have a clue. We had only been walking a short distance when the forest started to thin up ahead, and it wasn't until we reached the clearing that I saw we were on top of a mountain. Or a big fucking hill. I'm not sure what the exact definition is, but we were looking straight to the horizon, nothing but tree-covered hills and/or mountains as far as the eye could see. It was like standing at the edge of the world.

To my right was a small wooden bench, big enough to seat two people. It was old and weathered, and obviously hand-made. You could still see the chisel marks in the wood.

Edward led me to the bench and we sat down, and we sat there quietly. All I could do was stare in astonishment at the view. Eventually, Edward reached for his cigarettes, lit up and began to talk.

"My father made this bench for my mother. He built the cabin for her as well. He bought the land as an engagment present, and worked night and day from then on to have the house built in time for their wedding day. They were married on this spot, and this bench was Dad's wedding present to Mom. Mom loved to paint, especially outdoors, and this was her painting place. My parents raised me in that cabin. Everything you need to know about me is here, in this place."

He took a drag on his cigarette.

"I know the house seems pretty spartan, but it makes sense if you know that they were both hippies. Transcendentalists. HUGE Thoreau-heads. Which is why the went to the woods and lived deliberately, ha ha. But they didn't drive a painted Kombi van or walk around the house nude, and my name's not Skylar or Moonbeam. I really lucked out with them.

"They were both teachers. My Mom taught biology and science, and my Dad taught History and English. After I was born, Mom quit her job and homeschooled me through elementary school. Mom taught me during the week, and Dad would unofficially nights and weekends.

"From Mom I learned all the sciency stuff, and tons of plant biology and gardening from the crazy nature walks we did. I also learned how to paint, of course, and play as well as read music…she LOVED music. I still have her piano. Dad taught me my love for literature…you'll see in the cabin that we had a pretty impressive library. He also taught me woodwork and basic repairs, handyman stuff, fixing busted pipes, things like that. But Dad was also the only hippie I'd ever heard of that was also a car nut. He'd go off to the wreckers and come home towing some old beater that barely made it up the hill. He'd spend a year or however long rebuilding it, and then he'd sell it. With the money from the sale he'd buy another beater. He said it was a form of recycling, and hopefully got him some karma points. So I got my love of cars from him." He exhaled a long plume of smoke and looked at me. "I rebuilt the Charger myself, you know."

I smiled back.

"I wondered about that."

He looked off at the horizon, eyes getting distant. The sun was starting to get low in the sky. He lit another cigarette, and continued.

"I was 15 when my Mom and Dad decided they wanted to celebrate their wedding anniversary with a weekend at Yosemite. I was in my 'parents are lame' phase. I was attending high school by then and having a tough time fitting in, so I was kind of rough to be around. But Mom and Dad trusted me to take care of the house while they were gone. They were very big on promoting self-sufficiency, and learning to use the tools from my 'life toolkit'…that's what they called my lessons in pipe fixing and garden planting. I think they were more excited than I was about my staying home by myself."

He took a long drag on his cigarette.

"They never made it home from Yosemite. They were killed in a headon collision with an 18-wheeler at top speed. Round a blind curve, the driver never saw them til the car was embedded in the grill. It took them 18 hours to identify the bodies and come find me to tell me the news. The sherriff came to my classroom. I made him drive back to the cabin because I wanted to prove he was lying, that they were already home. He took me by the police station and showed me my Mom's engraved wedding ring and my Dad's wire-rim glasses. I don't remember when I stopped crying. I know it's a cliché, but my world collapsed when they died. One day I was a boy on the verge of being a man. The next day I was an orphan."

His hand started trembling as pulled another long drag.

"The next 18 months…it doesn't feel like it was me who lived them. What I'm about to tell you, Jasper…I've held these memories down so long they feel like they belong to someone else. I've never told anyone.

"My parents were only children. My grandparents were long passed away, and even though my parents were well-liked in town, they didn't really have any close friends. They had each other. We had each other. With no blood relatives and no close family friends to act as guardian, I became a ward of the state, and I was sent to a group home in the city. You never think it'll happen to you, then one day – someone just rips everything away.

"The group home housed six other boys. The youngest boy was 13, the oldest, Charlie, was 20. Charlie ran the house, assigned the chores, and kind of kept the peace. We each shared a room with one other boy, and Charlie slept alone."

Edward's hands were shaking now. He held the next cigarette in his hands, but seemed afraid to bring it to his lips.

"That first night in the group home, I was raped by my roommate. It was really late, we'd been in bed for a long time, and I was lying on my stomach, trying not to cry, trying hard to fall asleep. But I was so scared. All of a sudden this weight was on me…and this…boy…was kneeling hard on the backs of my knees, pulling down the bedclothes and my pyjama bottoms. He put a pillow against the back of my head and held it down hard so I couldn't scream. He was so much bigger than me, stronger in every way…it was like fighting in quicksand. The more I screamed and fought, the more he hurt me. I realised it would be over quicker if I stayed still. I was right. But everything slowed down, it was like time was going backwards. I didn't think it was ever going to stop. Then he was gone. I was terrified to close my eyes afterwards. I don't even remember the boy's name, or his face, or if I even knew him beforehand. I think I blocked it out."

I was so shocked I could hardly breathe. He shakily lit the cigarette, and continued.

"The next night, I told Charlie I would sleep on the couch, that I couldn't sleep in my bed. He knew what had happened, and he said from then on it would be his job to protect me from the other boys. He set up a cot for me in his room and told me I didn't have to sleep in my old room ever again. After lights out, he called me over to his bed to talk to me. Then he asked me to lie down beside him. He whispered to me that he would protect me, as long as I slept beside him. He promised that he would never hurt me, but that if he wanted to touch me, or kiss me, I should let him do it, or I'd have to go back to my old room."

He paused and exhaled.

"I know how it sounds. But I let him do all of that. Touching, kissing. I had to. Because it was insurance that I never had to go through that first night ever again. I didn't care. I was numb to everything he did from then on, because it wasn't worse than what I'd been through. Because it saved me from anything worse. I was willing to do anything, as long as I didn't ever have to do THAT ever again. And I slept beside Charlie every night for a year. He never once tried to fuck me."

Edward put a new cigarette in his mouth and lit it. Then looked down and realized he still had a half-smoked butt in his hand. Wordlessly I took the new cigarette from his lips, and smoked with him. He continued.

"I escaped three times, and I was caught three times. Charlie doled out the punishments personally. The first time, he flogged my back with his belt until I bled…and then comforted me that night as I cried myself to sleep. The second time, he put me in the basement and chained my arm to the hot water pipe. The third time was the worst. He put me in my old room, tied me to the bed, blindfolded and gagged for an entire night. I was almost catatonic the next day.

"Each punishment was my own fault. Charlie didn't _want _to hurt me. It hurt _him_ that I was trying to leave. If I wanted to be hurt and alone forever, I was going the right way about it."

He finished his cigarette, and hands were still shaking horribly. I grabbed the hand nearest me and held it tight as I smoked, waiting for him to calm and continue. Soon he went on.

"The fourth time I ran away they didn't catch me. Maybe Charlie _loved_ me so much he decided to _set me free,_" he spat bitterly.

"I ran and ran as far away as I could possibly get…and then I kept walking. And then I ran again. I sold a bum my shoes and coat in exchange for money for bus fare, and then I walked til I found a bus station. I found a bus to the only place that I hoped would still be safe. I went home. I went…here.

"I didn't find out til later that my parents hadn't really left much of a will, and that the one thing they did say was that if anything ever happened to both of them, that the house would be immediately put in my name. So when they died, the deed was transferred, and no-one bothered with anything more than that, because no-one really knew where I'd ended up. We never got mail or phonecalls at the home…my guess is everything stopped with Charlie. I technically disappeared, I guess. But when I got off the bus, and made the two-hour barefoot walk up the hill, I was surprised that the house was still standing. I had been afraid they would tear it down, or sell it. I was afraid to come up the driveway and see an empty field. When I got here the garden was overgrown, weeds growing inside. It was full of animal shit and all the furniture was gone, all my parents' books…the only thing left was the cabin, this bench, and my Mom's piano, which I guess was too heavy to carry down the hill."

"So I've been here, in some form or another, on and off, ever since."

He looked over at me, and then looked around as though he'd just woken from a long sleep. He moved his hand up to my forearm.

"God it's almost dark, we should get inside. You're freezing. I'll start a fire and maybe you can finally see the place. God we've been here for hours and we haven't even been in the front door yet. I'm a shitty host. Come on."

He stood up and held out his hand to me.

I stood up and looked into his eyes…and then I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his neck.

"I am so sorry," I said into his cold skin, holding him tight, wanting to never let him go.

He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me away slightly, so he could look at my face.

"No. You were right. I owe you this. You're meant to know all of this. Maybe that's why I'd been keeping it inside me so long. This is good, Jasper. I promise. It's really, really good."


	8. Chapter 8

**[Sorry for the slight hiatus. Holiday season is not the ideal time to be cranking out a new story. This one's REAAAAAALLLY long...very emotional...and yes, whiners, still lemon free. Jasper seemed to have some stuff he needed to unload. So maybe...just maybe...now that the great emotional dumptrucks have backed up to the cabin and freed themselves of their burdens, maybe we'll get to the good stuff. That's kind of up to Jasper and Edward, l'll let them guide the way. So settle into your beanbags, kids...Uncle Jasper's got a doozy of a tale to tell...]**

Chapter 8: The Weight

Edward pulled an old-fashioned key from his pocket and opened the heavy wooden door to the cabin. We were standing in a cozy living room, the floor covered with thick rugs, the walls lined floor to ceiling with bookshelves. A stone fireplace stood against the back wall, a small kitchen off to the left and a doorway, I guessed to a bedroom, and another doorway leading off to the right, another bedroom I assumed. And it really was a log cabin…you know, built from actual logs and not plywood pressure-molded to look like logs. Small, cozy and self-contained…I could see why Edward called it home.

There weren't any electric lights. Edward wandered around the room starting strategically-placed lanterns that cast a warm glow and long shadows. Fire-safe, I hoped. Edward gestured to the couch.

"Take a seat. I'll get the fire started, and then see about some food, or coffee." Then he kneeled down and set about lighting the fire. I made myself at home on the old over-stuffed couch. It was comfortable, and a welcome relief after a long time sitting on the hard bench in the cool night air. I think I needed to thaw my butt cheeks. While Edward was lighting the fire, I looked around. The bookshelves were filled with books of all kinds, literature, history, mathematics, art, music…like a small, self-contained library. There were small picture frames hung on different shelves, the shelves doubling as hanging space. It had a homely clutter about it. I was surprised at how…homey…it felt. Especially since it had fallen to ruin so many years ago. He'd obviously worked hard to put his parents memory back into this little place.

I noticed a laptop on the side table. I laughed.

"Hmmm. Nice rustic laptop you've got there. Let me guess. It's steam-powered, right?"

Edward turned his head towards me and laughed as well.

"Oh, totally. That thing goes through coal like you wouldn't believe. No, I realised after a while that getting away from it all is nice, but when you're the only one here, sometimes it's nice to chill and watch a movie, or listen to music…just because I was raised by hippies doesn't make me one too, you know? You can put some music on if you'd like."

I fired up the laptop and went to the mp3 player. He had a ton of music on there…I was impressed by the scope. It wasn't all just one genre, or 20 albums from one artist…he had a bit of everything. But it wasn't scatter-shot. You could tell this was someone who really loved music.

I went to 'recently played' and started that. John Coltrane's 'Soultrane' came through clean and bright on laptop's audio…brought back nice memories of my grandma. She always used to say she had a secret crush on John Coltrane.

The fire had finally sprung to life, flames beginning to dance merrily around the kindling, and Edward gathered a couple of large logs ready to stoke the fire. He turned around and looked at me expectantly.

"So. Are you hungry? I don't know what I have in the way of food, but I figured as host I should at least ask." He smiled sheepishly.

I considered my stomach.

"No. I'm still full from my mega-burrito. But if you want to eat, go ahead."

Edward stood up and stretched. His jacket and shirt lifted to reveal his pale stomach…let's just say I didn't look away. He got up and walked into the kitchen and rummaged around the pantry. I watched him, smiling to myself. I felt so much more at ease around him, which was a little startling against the blind fury I had felt seeing him at the gas station earlier. There had been a definite shift. With all that he had shared this afternoon/evening, all that anger, guilt, and shame…it all felt misplaced now. The raw emotion had certainly burned off, tempered by Edward's heartfelt confession. How can you stay angry at someone who's lived through…that? In the back of my mind, I also felt a new closeness to him. I knew now that we had something in common. He didn't know it yet, of course. I barely knew it myself, having only just stumbled on this new connection. But now that he'd laid himself bare, I felt like I was ready to follow suit.

He put a coffee pot on the stove, then stopped by the fireplace to gingerly place the fresh log. Then he crawled over and sat on the floor in front of the couch, next to where I was sitting. He looked sideways up at me.

"I know technically coffee isn't a food. But it's a good substitute when you can't think of anything to eat." He scratched his head and smiled.

I laughed in agreement. We fell silent, staring into the fireplace. I racked my brain trying to think of how best to start my…story.

_Once upon a time…There once was a guy named Jasper…Four score and seven years ago…There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold…_

"So…I've been thinking about everything you told me." Here goes nothing.

Edward didn't look up.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. And I think that maybe we have more in common than I realized. I mean. I haven't been through anything like what you…I'm not saying I share your pain or whatever…but with not having a mother." I was really babbling this more than I had planned to in my head, but I forged on, hoping the road would get smoother the more I talked. "… You know…losing her when you were old enough to know that you'd lost something…I kind of have that too."

I paused, soaking up some of the fireplace, the calm of the room, the John Coltrane lilting from the laptop.

"My mom and I had a…weird relationship. She had me when she was really young, like 17 or something, and she was living with her mom, my grandmother. So I kind of grew up with two moms, my mom and my grandmother. Mom never really planned on being a mom, and she…well…I don't know. She didn't connect with me. Not right away. She would go out and party, and my grandmother would take care of me. Feed me, put me to bed, get me up for school, that kind of thing. Mom was still around, and she'd pick me up from school, or take me shopping, or cook dinner sometimes…but it was kind of on her terms. I knew, even when I was really little, not to ask very much of her. She got irritated when I needed things. Even a glass of water. She hated having to do for me. So I stopped asking. I relied on my grandmother to BE there, and if Mom happened to be there, that was like an added bonus.

"Nan said that Mom was kind of an unhappy person. That was the explanation she gave when Mom started drinking. I was about 3 when it first started, I think, but I mostly remember the stuff from when I was 5 and older. It built up slowly, but it feels faster in my memory.

"She would come home late and smell all sweet and weird, and talk right up close to my face like she needed glasses. Then it was clinking bottles in the trashcan, and Mom being lit when I got home from school. By the time I was 7, it was like she had rented out her body to this yukky woman who either wanted to hug me too much or couldn't stand the sight of me. Either way, I didn't like it. I stayed out of her way a lot.

"Then…one day she picked me up from school to take me shopping, and then decided to take a detour to a local bar for a few drinks while I waited in the car. Just a few minutes. 5 hours later, Mom came out, drunk as hell and screaming at me to get out of the car. Literally screaming. I didn't know what else to do, so I got out of the car, walked to the door of the bar and asked the bartender if I could please call my Grandma. The bartender wouldn't let me inside, but I told him the phone number and he called for me. Grandma showed up 10 minutes later and drove me home. When we got in the house she held me for hours, and we just cried and cried." I curled up into a ball on the couch and stared into the fireplace…I could see everything so clearly. I hated feeling all this again. But I knew hopefully, it would be worth it.

"From then on, Nan was forced to intervene between Mom and me, trying to make sure that Mom had no reason to pick me up from school, or take me shopping, or whatever. No surprises. After that night, Nan and I had a rule. If Mom ever showed up and took me somewhere new, I would go find a payphone and call home, no matter where I was, and Nan would come and get me. She knew that if Mom was in 'that place', as we called it, I couldn't tell her no. Mom hadn't laid a hand on me, but Nan knew that all it could take was her 'snot nosed kid' back-sassing his own mom, and she didn't want to push it. Nan put coins in my pocket every morning. I still do it out of habit.

"It was a bad, bad time. Nan and Mom fought all the time. Nan was torn between wanting to keep her daughter close, and protecting her grandson from this…thing. I mean, Mom was still in her twenties, and it's hard for those bonds to just break completely. Nan couldn't help but want to try. But things got so bad, weird guys coming over to the house in the middle of the night, Mom screaming on the front lawn, or passing out in parking lots, hiding bottles all through the house…it got really, really bad. So Nan sent Mom to rehab. More than once. Mom would go away on a 'holiday' for 3 months, or 6 months…she'd come back and be normal for 2 months…and then the bottles would show up and we'd start all over again.

"Mom stopped being…Mom. I had never thought of her in the way normal kids think of their mothers. Like I said, I learned from a very early age that my grandmother was the one I could count on. Mom was barely there anymore. She was like this embarrassing chain around my ankle. For a while the chain would be slack. I could walk and walk and walk, and do all my regular 'little boy' things like little league or school, but eventually the chain would always, always tighten again…and she'd show up.

"The only time we were ever physically close, Mom and I, was on my birthday. That was the only time she ever felt like someone I knew. For as long as I can remember, and I don't know when it started, no matter how drunk or sober she was, she would sneak into my room at about 5am (that's when I was born, apparently) and she would get in bed and wrap her arms around me, and she would sing or hum "Bicycle Built For Two" softly into my ear until she or I fell asleep. Then when my alarm went off to get up for school, she would wake up, say "Happy Birthday" and be gone. If I could have multiplied those times, and erased everything else, I might have had a semi normal childhood.

"When she was around, and when she was in the mood…and that became rarer as time went on…sure, she'd pretend to take care of me, and pretend that she knew me, but even on my birthday I stopped believing her. I had seen enough of her at her worst that even when she was good, when she wasn't in that place, I was always thinking of how the situation could turn bad, trying to anticipate what would she do next and what I could do to get out of it.

"When I was 9, we had a Parents Day at school. Nan normally came along to these, all the teachers loved her. But she was in bed, sick with the flu. I told my teachers that Nan couldn't make it, and they let me go to the library. An hour later, one of the teachers came and found me and told me that my Mom had shown up in the gymnasium where the Parents Day was being held. She was demanding to see me. My heart sank. She was supposed to be in rehab. Why was she here?" I could feel all the muscles in my back tighten. The force of the memories was making me tremble.

"I went to the gymnasium. I knew right away she was loaded, staggering ever so slightly, trying very hard to stand still and look like an important mother, but I knew her so well, even then. She was wearing her skintight sweats, which I know she thought showed off all her young curves, …but the pale blue velour was stained with liquor and…fuck knows what else … wearing those stupid platform flip flops… her hair looked like it had been styled a week ago, and slept on every night since …I could see she was still wearing last night's makeup. And she was standing there. In front of all the other parents, my classmates, my teachers…like a walking signpost to my fucked up home-life. They knew who she was, and I could see them looking at each other, looking at her…looking at ME. I just wanted to scream at her.

"Which is kind of what I did. I didn't mean to. I knew better than to be a 'whiny kid' in front of her, which was what she called anything other than laughing or agreeing with her. But she had invaded my life, the life that I had when she wasn't around, and she was embarrassing me. I walked up to her, grabbed her hand, and started pulling her towards the door.

" 'Let's go Mom, we can talk outside,' I said, pulling her. She stumbled, but tried to stand her ground.

"'Jasper! Lemme go. I wanna meet your teashers.' She pulled her hand away and swung to face me. 'Quit being such a fucking painnntheass.'

"She started walking over to one of the tables. I ran and stood in front of her, and put my hands up to stop her, pleading.

"'Mom! No! You can't do this! You're drunk. Please. Let's GO!'

"She pushed me aside like she was trying to swat a fly. I fell on the floor. She barely even noticed, talking as though I was still standing in front of her.

"'Whathefucks wrong with you. Jesus. I'm not fucking drunk. You haven't seen me DRUNK. Whahthefuckwouldjouknow. I'm your fucking mother, JASPER, thasswhatIam.'

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I could hear Mom's words in my head like she was sitting next to me. I drew a breath and went on.

"I was so fucking mad at her. I felt exactly the same way I had all of the nights when I lay in bed listening to her yell at Nan, or screaming for me out on the front lawn, or lying in front of my bedroom door telling me she was sorry for being such a fuck-up. I was so fucking sick of it.

"I got up off the floor, wiped my tears with my fist, and stood in front of her, pulling her down so she could see my face. And then I yelled as loud as I could.

"'JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE BIRTH TO ME DOESN'T MAKE YOU MY MOM. YOU'RE JUST A STUPID, EMBARRASSING DRUNK AND I DON'T WANT YOU HERE. I HATE YOU!!! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME AND NAN ALONE?????'

"And I pushed her. I was still mad that she had pushed me. She'd never hurt me physically before, and I was embarrassed that she'd do it in front of my whole school. I guess I wanted to embarrass her back. I don't know, I mean, you can look at it and say I was only 9, how do I know I felt that way about my own mother…but having a drunk Mom makes you grow up really fast, and you see things a lot more clearly than any child should have to."

Edward was still sitting on the floor, staring at the fireplace. I rubbed my hand over my face, and continued.

"She fell on her ass, legs spread. For a moment she just sat there, staring at me. Shock, maybe. I honestly think she had no idea what happened. Suddenly she was crying, full waterworks, and without a word she clumsily got to her feet, and turned around and left, clomping across the gymnasium floor in her platform flip flops.

"We didn't see her again for a two whole years. Nan said she had probably left town. I was just happy not to have to babysit her anymore.

"She showed up on my 11th birthday. She had a car, her hair was back to her natural color and she was wearing almost normal clothes. Like, clothes that fit and weren't stained. She announced to Nan and me that she'd been sober for 2 years and 2 months., and that she had a job, and an apartment. She spoke normally, looked me in the eye, and her face was kind of…warm looking. Not slack and drunk like I was used to. Sober, I barely recognized her.

"She was almost beautiful.

"Mom stayed late into the night, telling us stories about her job, watching TV. She even baked a birthday cake while she was there. She looked nervous, but we could see that she was really trying. It was all so…random. Nan and I kept looking at each other, like one of us was dreaming, half expecting a practical joke. I kept waiting for her to pull a flask out of her jeans, or sneak off to the bathroom…but she didn't. She was so…normal. I didn't know what to think.

"Mom came by every night after dinner for a month. She would ask me about school, or my friends, or Little League, or she'd talk to Nan about the neighbors or her job. It became a regular, family type thing.

"Then, one night she asked Nan and I if she could start picking me up from school. We both said okay…and Nan talked to me about it after Mom left to make sure I really felt comfortable around her to do that. I told her it was really weird, but I did. I didn't really feel like I knew her, but I liked her. I couldn't be angry at her, because she wasn't anything like the Mom I was angry with. I wanted to hang around this Mom. To see if she was real.

"So Mom started picking me up from school. Then she started taking me to Little League, and she would stay to watch me practice. She came by on weekends to take me to the movies, or to the swimming pool, or for a picnic in the park.

"One day, Mom asked me if I would like to move in to her apartment with her. She had talked to Nan, and Nan had told her to ask me. I told her I'd think about it…but inside I was shouting YES! I know after everything she had put me through I should have been more suspicious, but during that whole time, all I wanted more than anything in the world was a real Mom, like the ones my friends had. Who would make cookies and come to school events and watch you play sport and kiss you on your forehead when you cried. My grandmother did all of that, but I knew it was only because my Mom wouldn't. Or couldn't. I knew she had already done that raising Mom, and I always felt that it wasn't fair that she had to it all over again for me. I know she wanted to because she loved me, but in my childish, pragmatic way of looking at things, that was Mom's job.

"I moved in with her the following week. I still called Nan every night, and I stayed with her on the weekends. It was so nice having a real Mom, and a real Grandma. I would go to school, and Mom would be there to pick me up. She would cook me dinner, she would try to help me with my homework, she watched me play sport…sometimes I felt like I was watching my own life inside a snow-globe. Like it was this magical fairyland where Moms didn't drink and kids didn't look after their parents. I noticed that Mom would get frustrated if something didn't turn out quite the way she wanted, like she was trying so hard to get things just right that she didn't really know what to do if…life happened. But I kind of liked it. I'd never seen her try this hard before. I was kind of…proud of her.

"The night before my 13th birthday, after a full two years of having a real Mom and a real life…everything changed.

"Mom had told us that she was going to go to a function at work, and it was going to be her first time actually allowing herself to be around people who were drinking. Her sponsor said she was ready, and Mom felt like it was something she could handle. She figured she didn't like the people very much anyway, so drinking with them would be a turn off more than anything.

"I didn't say anything…Nan didn't say anything, but we were both thinking it.

_"Here we go._

"Mom didn't come home that night.

"Well, that's not true. She came home at 5am. With a guy. I heard the door slam and I got out of bed. I shouldn't have even stirred…but I was still thinking that maybe new Mom was still here, that something had happened and her car had broken down…

"Nope.

"She was straddling some guy in the middle of the living room, bottle in her hand, getting ready to take a swig when she saw me standing in the doorway. It felt like we stared at each for hours…but it had to have only been seconds. She put the bottle down. Then she said quietly,

"'Go back to bed, Jasper. Don't worry. Everything's okay.'

"I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. Before I drifted off, I heard the door open and close, and I heard a car start. I guess she sent the guy home. When I woke up the next morning, Mom was in my room, and she was pulling stuff out of my closet. All my posters were off the wall…I didn't get it.

"'Pack your stuff Jasper,' she said. 'Don't ask. Just help me pack.'

"So I got dressed, and quietly started putting my clothes into garbage bags, and my books into boxes. We took all of the stuff out to the car. Then she drove me to Nan's house. She left the engine idle, and helped me unload everything out of the car. But she didn't take it into the house. She just piled it on the sidewalk. And then she got back in the car."

I could feel the tears in my eyes. Edward stirred on the floor, and quietly moved to sit up on the couch next to me.

"I knew what she was doing, but I don't…I didn't…understand. I got back in the passenger seat. Her hand was on the gearshift, and I put my hand over hers and looked at her face, trying to get her to look at me.

"She stared straight ahead, and said,

"'I tried, Jasper. I tried so hard. But I'm just not cut out to be a Mom. I'm an alcoholic, Jasper. I don't think I'll ever be anything else. You need to be with someone who won't hurt you anymore, honey. I can't take care of you. I can barely take care of myself.'

"She didn't look at me once. Not once. It was like she was a robot.

"I pulled my hand away, and I got out of the car. And she floored the accelerator as I closed the door, like she couldn't wait to leave. And I stood there with my stuff on the side of the road and watched as she drove out of my life forever.

"I never saw her again, Edward."

I couldn't stop the tears so I just let them go. I felt Edward's arm around my shoulder as he pulled me to him, and we sat in silence as I cried…and cried…and cried. Until I could find the words to keep going.

"Nan talked to her on the phone. Usually around my birthday, or Christmas. I heard her shout-whispering to her to talk to me, to come see me. But she wouldn't. Nan and I have talked about it a few times, and Nan said that last time with the guy, it scared her. It convinced her she wasn't fit to be a mother, and ever since then she's been afraid to come anywhere near me because she's afraid she's going to wreck my life even more.

"I don't know where she is. I stopped caring. But it really, really fucking hurts to know that you have a mother somewhere out in the world…and she doesn't want anything to do with you. That she's not even willing to fucking try. I hate that she wasted all that time. And what's worse, is after everything I went through with Alice, and all of those fucking girls that I kept seeing, the whole time, I was just trying to fuck my Mom back into life. As though that would solve all of my problems. A woman. Any woman. Jesus."

I uncurled from my ball on the couch and unfolded into Edward's chest, and sobbed.

I swear, I've cried more this week than I have in my entire life.

Edward tangled his fingers into my curls and held me tight.


	9. Chapter 9

**[****Thank you all for the kind reviews...it's really gratifying that such a LOOONG chapter got such an emotional response. So now we'll move into some more relaxed territory, maybe get a few more answers to a few more questions...and just play it kind of casual. Hmmm...what's that...could it be? Is there a hint of citrus in the mountain air?]**

Chapter 9: Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

Edward's t-shirt felt damp against my cheek. _Oh my god that's from ME. _Yeah, Jasper. Maybe it's time to nut up and stop crying. _Ugh._ It was nice lying there like that though, dampness aside. I felt...lighter, like I'd just removed a heavy backpack. I liked that Edward had sat through it all, just holding me without talking. Grateful that he didn't make a big fuss over me and my histrionics. But I did feel a little awkward. I mean, just this morning I'd been chewing Edward out on the sidewalk like a bitchy girlfriend, and now I was sobbing into his chest. My life was seriously straying into General Hospital territory.

I relaxed my shoulders and lifted my head slightly, and Edward moved his arms to let me sit up again. I was a little embarrassed to look at him...I mean, it's not every day that I have a crying jag in another man's arms. I didn't know if he thought I was complete pussy, on the rag, or...well, who knew what Edward was thinking. He hadn't said anything. But he'd comforted me when I needed it, which in my world said more than a bunch of words ever would. I figured we were okay, but still, a guy can't help feeling a little self-conscious.

I rubbed one hand over my face, the other resting on my leg, and wiped my tears away. With my hand still over my face, I looked at Edward through my fingers. He was watching me with concern, and smiled gently when he caught my eye. He put his hand on top of mine.

"Hey. I hope you're not embarrassed..." He looked at me questioningly.

"Kinda. Yeah. I mean...I haven't cried like that since I was a kid." I took my hand from my face and looked back at him, not quite sure what to do with myself. He squeezed my hand in affirmation.

"It's okay, Jasper. That's a lot to carry around. And you know, it's been a tough week. You're allowed to get a little _Golden Girls_." Wow. Never thought I'd hear those two words out of Edward's mouth. Golden. Girls. I laughed out loud.

I paused...then we looked at each other again and cracked up. Then I thought of something.

"Hey. Weren't you making coffee, or something?" I looked over to the kitchen at the coffee pot on the stove.

He jumped off the couch and ran over to the stove. Then he laughed.

"Hahaha! Just as well that I'm safety conscious enough to NOT turn on the stove." He shook his head at his own absent-mindedness. "God, imagine if that had been cooking all that time. Ugh. Okay, well, let me get this thing to ACTUALLY brew this time, and we'll share a cup." He rummaged in the cupboard for some cups, and dug a tetra-pak of milk out of the cupboard.

I'd been thinking about Edward's story, in between all those thoughts of my Mom. Since the mood had lightened, I figured I could dig for a little more info.

"Hey Edward? I have a question. How did you end up at college? I mean...I don't want to pry, but it didn't really sound like you got to graduate high school or anything."

Edward was keeping a watchful eye on the coffee pot. From the kitchen, he said,

"Yeah, I know it's kind of weird. The explanation is a little weirder. You're right. I didn't graduate high school. They sent us to school at the group home, but I got suspended on my first day... the male gym teacher put his hand on my shoulder and I punched him in the face without thinking. Really dumb thing to do, but I was like a caged animal back then. So they suspended me, and were supposedly going to transfer me to a special school or whatever...I never went back, and as far as I know I just slipped through the cracks. I was a new student, no educational records to speak of, no relatives in the school and no parents...they didn't really have a _way in_ with me, you know?" He turned back to the kitchen counter and looked at me. "So I just went to the public library instead. I'd get on the school bus and go through the motions, and then hang out in the library. So I read everything they had. When I finally made it back here, I knew I couldn't go back to school, so I would walk into town and ask around for work. I ended up with a job in the local garage. The owner knew my Dad, and recognized me immediately...he never said anything til years later, but he took pity on me and gave me a job sweeping up after hours. Even let me sleep on a cot in the office if I was too tired to go back up the hill. He paid me minimum wage, and when I turned 18, he offered me a full-time job. Like I said, he knew my Dad so he I knew about cars." Edward switched off the stove and poured the freshly brewed coffee into mugs, and added the milk. "Sugar?" I shook my head. He walked back over to the couch with the coffee, sat down, and continued. "Anything I didn't already know he taught me.  
He paid me well. I saved all my money, I barely had any expenses." He took a sip of coffee. "I'd hit the used bookstore once a month to find books that I remembered from my Dad's library, and the thrift store for furniture, or clothes, or whatever I needed. Aside from food, that was about it. So I was saving quite a bit of money. Eventually, after all these years of living my hermit/mechanic lifestyle, I started to want to be around people my own age. Try to figure out who I was. I thought I knew, but the best way to find out is to have yourself reflected back at you by other people. So I talked to George, the garage owner, and asked him if he would mind if I switched to part-time for a while, while I tried to get my college education. He didn't know that I didn't have high school, he didn't really know anything, but he was all for it. So I got a month-to-month lease on an apartment, and I would go to the city on Sunday night, and go to college Monday through Thursdays. Sometimes Friday."

I was still confused.

"But...how? How did you 'go to college'?"

He smiled. "I just showed up. I'd find an innocent, wide-eyed face and ask if I could check their schedule to find a lecture that sounded like my bag, and I'd go. I mean, except for that weird study session, they don't take attendance in lectures. I mean, everyone just assumes that all the people sitting in those seats are all students. But they don't make you pay admission to walk on campus. No one ever asks for your student id unless you go to Admin or the Library. And....welll...." He frowned for a moment. "I guess I also figured that I was owed. The state supposedly ran that group home, and as far as I know no-one ever bothered to check on our well-being, or talk to any of us other than Charlie. They left all of us, even Charlie there to rot, because it was easier to forget. They owed me." His eyes cleared again, and he relaxed, and went back to his casual mood again. "I stayed under the radar. Made sure I didn't sit in the same seat all the time, that I randomly came in early or late, but not so anyone would notice...I was pretty good at blending in when I wanted to. And not being a student, I think I actually enjoyed the lectures more than most of the others there. And it became my way of slowly meeting people, figuring out who I was. You know. Trying to force myself to like people again, after the group home and losing my parents. I was trying really hard not to be alone."

I looked at him and shook my head as I took a sip of coffee.

"Man, you are just a bag full of mysteries. I don't think there's anything that I can peg you down on. Everything is unexpected."

Edward smiled and arched an eyebrow at me.

"Edward Cullen. International Man of Mystery. Ha ha. Yeah. I guess I'm a little more enigmatic than I mean to be." He drank his coffee, and looked at me over his mug as he crossed his legs on the couch. "You know, I've actually got a question of my own for you. Is your Grandma still around?"

I nodded.

"Oh yeah. She's still around. Fighting fit, as they say. She's the whole reason I'm even at college. I mean, from the way I told it, it probably sounds like a big struggle, this little old lady taking care of me her whole life. But I didn't find this out til I was a little older, she's actually loaded, financially. Her father had made a lot of money in banking, even in the Depression. But back in those days it wasn't necessarily smiled upon to flash your cash around, so he lived a pretty meager existence and kept the money in investments. Nan didn't find out about their money til he died. I mean, they never struggled for anything, but she had no idea they had so much. I mean, we're talking millions, back in the 50's. Nan was an only child, and she got it all. But she followed her father's example, and decided make her own life in spite of the money, working as a secretary and administrative assistant until she had my Mom. The money she earned provided for her family with my Grandfather's wage as a railway worker. My grandfather died when my Mom was just a girl, and Nan raised her on her own. She still worked, even though she didn't have to, planning to pass on her inheritance to Mom when she was old enough. But as Mom grew up, Nan saw how unpredictable she was. When everything happened with Mom's drinking, Nan just decided that she'd pass the inheritance on to me. But she didn't just do a regular trust fund. When I turned 18 and graduated from High School, Nan told me that she would pay for me to go to college, she would pay for me to get an apartment, a car, whatever else I needed. But I had to maintain at least a B average or higher for my entire degree. As long as I worked hard at my study, and worked to make sure that I would have a career _after_ college, I would benefit from my Nan's fortune. She made sure that it was clear that she would not begin paying it out in any kind of dividend to me until I got my degree. And if she saw that I was screwing around or blowing off my study, she'd tighten the reins on the payments and make me go out and get a job. It's her plan that eventually I'll inherit the whole thing, and we've talked about that a lot...but I hate those conversations. They just make me sad. Sure I get a truckload of money, but I'd rather have Nan. I know that makes me sound like a hick, but...she's my whole life. She's all the family I've got."

Edward nodded.

"Yeah. I understand that. Honestly, Jasper..." he looked pained, and shook his head. "I thought that losing my parents was tough. But I don't know how I would feel knowing that my mother just...didn't want to be around. I hate that you've had to live with that. In spite of that. That takes a real toughness."

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

"I guess. I don't know. I think I just started trying to plan my life so that if she ever showed up, she would just be wide-eyed at the man I've become. You know? I kept orchestrating all these aspects of my life so that at any moment, she would be like "Wow! Look at you!" I think I still do that now, though it does seem kind of pointless...." I looked into my empty coffee mug. "Can I ask you something? And if this is too personal...then just tell me to shut up or whatever. But after the group home...I guess I'm still kind of surprised that you ended up being...you know...into guys. I thought it would have turned you off, or I don't know...sent you into like, extreme perversion or something." I felt like such a douche saying that, but I didn't know how else to say it.

But he smiled.

"No, it's okay. It's kind of an obvious question I guess. Honestly? I didn't really know that I was into guys until I got to college. I completely shut off the sexual part of my brain after the group home. The work at the garage kept me busy, and I didn't have a lot of social interaction. I didn't want it. It was like it was...I don't know...dormant, I guess. When I finally got to college, and I was around all of these people who were openly dating, or kissing, or holding hands, I realized I was missing out on something. So I started going to nightclubs. Just watching people, to see how they did it. I was like a creepy anthropologist, in a way...but I was still kind of afraid of doing anything. A girl noticed me one time, and took me to a bathroom stall with her...but I just felt like a piece of wood...and she felt so, alien to me. I didn't feel anything. I mean, I wasn't revolted, it felt nice...and that was a new sensation, because all I'd known about intimacy was being in varying stages of fright. Even when I was relaxed with Charlie, I was afraid. So the girl was a welcome change...but it didn't feel...right. I went to other clubs, and found I guess what must have been a gay club, because it was all guys, old and young, all dancing or making out or just drinking. A guy my age caught my eye, and he took me to a back room where he really only kissed me...but I felt at home. It felt, right. That was when I knew that it was guys and not girls. I don't think the group home forced me into being gay...but I don't know...all those nights with Charlie had to have done something. I'm still not very good at just lying in bed with someone, I still get scared. But the sex doesn't bother me, it doesn't' scare me like that first night. Because all of the actions and emotions are different. No one's trying to hurt me. I can feel the difference in the air, in a person's eyes. I can tell from 10 paces if I'm in danger or not, I'm so in tune with people's emotions and body movements, I don't' get into bad situations. And I don't seek them out. I'm not looking to live out my trauma or whatever a therapist might suggest that a person with my history would do. I'm just trying to find the kind of intimacy that will lead someone to want to...stay with me. It hasn't worked so far. Well. Not as far as I know."

He looked at me. I didn't look away. I knew what he meant. I wasn't sure how to answer...it felt like it would be disingenuous to _give_ him an answer. No matter how at ease I felt, this was new. I knew more about him, but I wasn't going to rush into anything. I don't think either of us would be moving all that fast. But I wanted to show him that there was hope. That that door hadn't closed yet.

I leaned over and kissed him gently on the mouth. And then I smiled.

"Hey. How come I'm the one who always makes the first move? Is that your bait? You play coy?"

He smiled back at me, and returned my kiss more deeply, tangling his fingers into my hair. Then he rested his cheek against my neck and chuckled.

"Works every time."


	10. Chapter 10

**[Santa's brought a lemony-scent to this chapter...but Edward has some more angst to deal with. I know this is getting very General Hospital now...I hope it's not tiresome. By way of explanation, I just didn't want this to be the kind of story where everything happens but there's no consequences. It's all very sexy for Jasper and Edward to hook up, but I didn't want this to play out in a fantasy land. So I hope and pray I'm not making it too dreary with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth.. Thanks again for all of your warm and kind reviews.]**

Chapter 10 – Shine A Light

Edward slid his arms around me and kissed me deeply again, his tongue exploring my mouth passionately. Then he pulled away from the kiss and sighed into my neck.

"What is it?" I kissed the top of his head.

He rested against my shoulder, thinking.

"It seems a little...unhealthy...to do this now. I feel like I'm cheapening what you've shared with me." He didn't raise his head.

I admired his restraint. I doubted that I could be that practical. But he was right. I had to let him know that he wasn't making me do anything. I put my hands on either side of his head and pulled him up to look into his eyes.

"I'm not going to do anything with you that doesn't feel right. Being near you, like this...feels good. It feels...healing. This...here...is all I want from you right now. I'm not going to make you want to cornhole me on the couch if that's what you're worried about."

His eyes grew wide and he pulled away as he laughed out loud.

"Cornhole you? Hahah!!! Jesus, you sure have a way with words."

I flushed with embarrassment. I hadn't quite meant to say it like that. I rubbed my hand through my hair, cursing my stupid brain. Edward put his hands on my chest and kissed me hard on the lips. He smiled.

"Well as long as cornholing is off the list of this evening's planned activities, I guess I'm okay with whatever you have in mind."

I smiled back and our lips met in a long, deep kiss. Edward pulled away momentarily and stretched back on the couch, patting the spot along the edge of the couch for me to lay next to him. We lay, facing each other, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. The kisses were different now. Warmer...less urgent...but weighed with far more meaning than before. We were sharing something now, and it felt like that knowing, familiar intimacy that I had had with Alice ..but even that felt like a different chapter. This was new. With everything Edward and I knew about each other now, our feelings now radiated through our touch, like we were discovering each other again for the first time. We twined ourselves together on the couch like a wild rose bush as we explored our new selves.

But I made sure to keep the urgency out of my kiss, to let the kiss just be that. Just a kiss.

We kissed each other gently, slowly...until Edward pulled away to look at me.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah?"

"You would tell me if any of this...with me...got weird for you, wouldn't you?"

My eyes searched his face. It seemed like a loaded question.

"Well, yeah. I mean. How weird were you planning to get?" I tried to lighten the mood at little, but he didn't seem to bite.

"I just don't...I don't want you to rush into this. You know? I mean...a week ago you had a girlfriend. This isn't an easy change to make."

His eyes burned into me, searching for any doubt. I knew what he was afraid of. I just didn't know how to tell him that I wasn't that person.

"Hey." I ran my fingers through his hair, and propped myself up on an elbow. "I know I'm a complete x-factor for you. But I want you to know that I'm not dicking around. I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't feel something." He looked at me evenly, waiting for the 'but'. He wouldn't get one. I tangled my fingers into his hair, holding his gaze with mine. "I'm not experimenting on you, Edward. If you can't trust me on anything else, trust me on that. If I'm falling in love with you, or feeling these feelings I have right now, it's because...I am. Just because you're not a girl doesn't mean that the feelings can be switched off any easier. I didn't know I had them in me, but I know them when I feel them...I'm not going to ignore that just to save face. I know what these feelings mean and I'm going to be true to them. I'm not going anywhere, Edward, if that's what's worrying you." I stared into his amber eyes, trying to burn the message into his doubting mind.

He smiled faintly.

"I believe you, Jasper. And I don't want it to seem like I'm asking a commitment from you right now. That's not what this is. I just...I want you to be able to tell me..." He seemed stuck, confused.

I looked at him questioningly.

"Tell you what?"

He frowned in frustration as he searched for the right words.

"To tell me that you're unsure. That you need space or that you're changing your mind. Tell me when you have those thoughts. Please. Don't wait for me to figure it out." His voice had taken on an urgent, pleading quality. I could feel him tightening in my arms, like he was pulling away.

It was obvious that there was a lot more going on here than he was telling me. I sat up, took his hands in mine, and pulled him back up to a sitting position. He wasn't looking at me.

"Edward. _Edward._" I pulled his face towards mine to meet my gaze. "I'll do these things for you. I will. I can see that it's important to you." His gaze drifted again. I lowered my head and met his eyes, and drew him back up to face me. "But you need to tell me what's going on. If I'm going to be open with you...can you do the same for me?"

He sighed.

"You're probably sick to death of all my baggage by now."

I shook my head and smiled.

"No way. I'd rather wade through a pile of baggage than have you being a total fucking sphinx about everything all the time."

He smirked.

"Sphinx. I like that."

I smirked right back at him.

"Yeah. I know. Now dish." I snapped my fingers a few times.

Edward ran his fingers through his hair, and crossed his legs again. And he began to talk.

"When I realized I was gay, I didn't have any real relationships at first. Mostly one night stands, and encounters at nightclubs, while I tried to figure out how everything worked. For a while I enjoyed not having the emotional attachment, just loving the excitement of being with strangers.

"But it began to drain on me. I was still alone. I was still coming home to an empty apartment, and going home to an empty cabin on the weekends. Everyone around me seemed to have someone but me. Then at a club one night, I met a guy. He was a little older than me, and seemed like some kind of businessman. We hooked up in the back room...and it was way more intense with him that I'd ever had with anyone else. And that was just kissing. When it was time for him to leave he asked for my name and number. I gave it to him, more out shock that he wanted to see me again. Days dragged by, and he hadn't called. Then at 7pm on Friday night, he called and said he wanted to see me again, but he didn't want to go to the club. I told him he could come over to my apartment. I felt a little weird about inviting a stranger to my place, but I figured the walls were thin enough that if anything violent happened the neighbors would call the police. I hoped. So he came over at about 10pm. We fucked--" Edward looked up apologetically.

I shrugged. He continued, if somewhat hestitantly.

"Well...Yeah. And then we talked for a few hours. Then he left. He said he wanted to see me again.

"And next Friday, he came over again, and we fell into this kind of strange routine. We never fucked anywhere but my place. The sex was always very urgent and passionate, and he always pitched, he never caught." Edward caught himself, and looked at me again.

I gave him a rueful smile.

"I'm familiar with the game of baseball. You don't need to explain." But I shook my head a little regardless. America's pastime, turned into sex parlance. Is there nothing sacred?

Edward continued.

"At first I was glad for the company. Mike was funny, and quite intelligent, and seemed to genuinely enjoy my company. But after a few months, I started to get an odd feeling. He never wanted to meet anywhere other than my apartment. Not even the club, or dinner, or anywhere in public. The one time I came up behind him in the shower, I thought he was going to punch me. He was starting to give off a very mixed vibe. But I so enjoyed having someone around, that I tried not to dwell on it, to just enjoy what I got and leave it at that.

"Then one Friday night, one of our regular date nights...he didn't show up. If something ever came up he had always said he'd ring twice and hang up. He hadn't done that, so I really didn't have any idea if he was coming over or not. It got to about midnight and I assumed he wasn't coming over and went to bed.

"2am, the phone rings. I pick up, and a woman is on the other end of the line. Her voice was shrill, and clipped.

"'Who is this?'

"I didn't quite know what to say, so I just said the truth.

"'Edward Cullen. Who am I speaking to?'

"'Why does my husband have your phone number in his wallet?'

"My heart started clanging in my chest as I realized just who this woman was. Mike was married. Jesus Christ he was fucking married. I hung up the phone.

"At 3am the phone rang again. I let it ring. It rang 5 more times that hour til I finally got the nerve to pick up.

"'Hello?'

"'I KNOW WHO YOU ARE EDWARD CULLEN!!! YOU FUCKED MY HUSBAND YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!! MIKE TOLD ME EVERYTHING AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING EDWARD, YOU PRICK...YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MIKE!! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU FUCKING QUEERS AND YOUR LITTLE BATHROOM GAMES. HE HAS CHILDREN!!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT BEFORE YOU FUCKING RAPED HIM, YOU COCKSUCKER? DID YOU KNOW THAT? YOU'VE RUINED OUR FUCKING LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!! YOU'VE RUINED OUR LIFE!!" and then it just broke down into sobbing.

"Don't ask me why I stayed on the phone. I don't know. I should have hung up when I heard her voice. But then to hear all of that...shit. I thought I was going to vomit."

Edward put his hands through his hair and brought his knees up to his chin. He rested his forehead there a moment before he continued with the story.

"I sat on the kitchen floor until sometime mid-morning. I decided that I wasn't going to take this lying down, let him lie to his wife like that and somehow be able to just carry on with his life. I was angry at Mike for taking advantage of me, for abusing my trust, and for lying to his own family. I figured he at least owed me an explanation, whether he wanted to see me again or not. So I *69'd my phone to get their number...hanging up before it rang again. Then I went to the campus library and did every reverse phone lookup I could find to get Mike's last name and address. Then I googled Mike's name, and the city. I didn't want to confront him at his home, I wanted to find him where he worked. Turned out he was an insurance broker with a large insurance firm in the city. Perfect.

"So I showed up in the lobby of his building at around noon, dressed in a shirt and pants, so that I wouldn't stand out too much. I figured my 'motorcycle boy' look might be a bit too obvious. And I asked the receptionist to tell Mike that Edward Cullen was here to see him.

"I waited in the lobby. Eventually the elevator pinged and he strode towards me. He was trying very hard to keep his face calm and affable, but I knew him well enough to know that he was pissed. I was glad.

"I stuck my hand out. He grabbed my hand, shook it briefly, and said loudly, 'Hey Edward, great to see you again. How about some lunch?' Then he grabbed my elbow and steered me out to the courtyard alongside the building.

"He came to a stop and wheeled me around. He glanced around to see if anyone was watching, and then said in a shout-whisper,

"'What are you _doing_ here?'

"I smiled.

"'I wanted to get an explanation, _Mike._ Your wife called and screamed some really interesting things about us to me, really _magical _stuff, and I was just interested to hear a little more of this wonderful fairy tale you told her.'

"He went pale, but tried to keep his composure. He hurried out an explanation in his low whisper.

"'Look. She's a nurse. She works nights. I had been telling her I was going to Fantasy Football meetings while she was on shift, just with some of the guys from work. Then one night she came home early and saw my car, and she followed me to your house. When I got home, she reamed me, said she had found the phone number in my wallet, and thought I was seeing a chick, that I was having an affair. I convinced her that I wasn't, or I thought I did. Then later I found out she'd called the number. She started up again, asking me why I was going over to a guy's house in the middle of the night. I told her that you were a friend of one of the fantasy football guys, and that you'd asked me over for drinks. And then I just said that you got fresh with me while I was in the bathroom and that I wasn't going to go back again. I guess she found your number when she was doing the laundry. That's it, I swear.'

Edward shook his head, remembering the speech.

"He looked at me as though that was even a satisfactory explanation. Like I'd smile and hug him and tell him nevermind, it was all a big misunderstanding. I stared at him incredulously. I couldn't believe that his wife had even bought his lameass story, but I was more incredulous that he would think I would accept it as an excuse.

"'That's it'? What do you mean, 'that's it.'? Your wife accuses me of raping you, screams at me about how I've ruined your marriage, and that's supposed to be okay with me? You're fucking another man behind your wife's back and you don't think THAT's a bigger problem than the stupid fucking story you told her to cover your ass?"

Mike was sweating now. He kept making furtive glances over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching us. He stepped towards me and grabbed both my shoulders.

"'Edward. _Jesus!_ Would you keep your voice _down?_ Fuck. I'm sorry. Alright? I'm sorry my wife gave you a hard time. I didn't know she'd find your number. But you can't stay here. I can't talk to you now. Look, I'll call you, alright? I promise. We'll sort this out. But you have to go."

"_Call me_. Oh man that got me pissed. I wanted to punch him so hard.

"'No, Mike. Don't fucking call me. Don't sort anything out. Go home to your wife. And then go get a vasectomy so you don't have any more fucking kids while you're trolling behind her back. But before I leave, just answer me one question. How many more years do you think your wife will take it up the ass from you before she realizes you're as queer as a three dollar bill?'

"I turned on my heel and walked slowly away from him. Then I paused at the front of the building.

"A whole bunch of suits came walking out the door as Mike was about to walk in, waving him a greeting, and calling out their hellos. That's when I walked over, grabbed Mike by the shoulders and kissed him on the mouth.

"_Then _I left.

"From the look on his face I knew I shouldn't have done it...he was so pale I thought he would faint. But I was so fucking pissed at him for using me the way he did, I wanted to get back at him. I couldn't let him just go on with his life without knowing there were consequences."

Edward paused, and frowned.

"Well, there were consequences all right. He came home from work that night, locked himself in the garage with the car running and gassed himself to death. I know that because his wife called me when she found him, hysterical, screaming at me that I had killed her husband. Apparently Mike had left a note telling her that he couldn't live with his lies anymore. Oh and PS, Tell Edward I'm sorry."

Edward put his head back down on his knees. I could see he was crying. I slid over beside him and put my hand on his back. He put his head up and looked at me.

"See Jasper. That's what I'm trying to tell you. This...what we're doing...it's our lives. Our whole lives. You can't get in and out like you're swimming in a pool. I haven't seriously dated anyone since Mike, because of Mike...and I'm just scared that you'll end up ruining your life for me."

He shook his head.

"I know that sounds vain. I'm a lot of baggage for you to carry, Jasper. You shouldn't have to do this now if it's too much. If you need time, I'll give you time. If you change your mind, you can change your mind. I won't go postal on you, I promise.. I just don't want there to be any secrets."

He looked at me through glassy eyes.

I put my hand in his, and rested my head on his back.

"No secrets."


	11. Chapter 11

**[I think we're out of the dark angsty emo woods for a little while now. Lemons are slowly appearing...but it is a slow build, hopefully the fainthearted won't have too much cause to blush too deeply, and the deeply horny won't completely lose their patience. It'll get a little hot and heavy further on up ahead. It's best not to rush these things. And in case you're wondering...yes my Jasper/Edward fanfic is a thinly veiled attempt to make the Robert Pattinson/Jackson Rathbone movie that's been playing in my head. (I don't think I'm alone here.) Thanks again for all the shiny reviews. Me likey! Feed me, Seymour! ]**

Chapter 11 – On The Road To Find Out

A million thoughts were running through my head as I sat quietly with Edward on the couch.

John Coltrane had long finished playing, and this accompanying silence was not in any way, shape or form 'golden', let alone therapeutic. Silence is fine, but this silence was heavy, and I didn't want Edward to get any more maudlin than he'd already become. Something had to fill the spaces, and soon.

I felt for him, desperately. So much had _happened_ to him. I've always hated platitudes about controlling your own destiny, how people, the collective 'we', _allow_ bad things to happen, how things don't happen 'to' anyone. Bull...fucking...shit. That shit might fly if you're having trouble getting up off the couch, but for anyone else with a real fucking problem, who has had whole chunks of their lives spat on by people old enough to know better, people who are supposedly charged with our care, it's just empty words. I mean, I'd had a shitty childhood, and I'd never used it as a crutch to get me anywhere or anything...but I resented the implication that I had _let_ any of that happen to me. Or that Edward had _let_ anything happen. I looked at Edward and I wondered, how much can one person take? I knew that I'd barely scratched the surface with him. Who knows what else was stored in the tomb of his mind. What do you do with all of..._that_?

What I wanted to do was take him in my arms and kiss all of it away. Believe me, I know how Harlequin-romance that sounds. _Believe me_ I know. Don't think for one second I don't know how weird these thoughts are. But the way I felt when I looked at Edward, folded up on the couch eating away at his own sadness...as I sat there seeing who he truly was, it didn't feel right for me to be self-conscious.

So I did the only thing that seemed right.

With Edward's hand in mine, I stood up. He gave me a dazed, confused, mildly irritated look as I pulled him gently so he was standing too. Then I made an awkward flourishing gesture with my fingers, and said,

"One minute," as I sidestepped to the endtable and fiddled briefly with the mp3 player on the laptop. I hit play, and went back to face Edward.

I smiled at him gently, a little embarrassed but trying not show it too much. As the music slowly climbed to its start, I stepped back a couple of paces, closer to the fireplace, leading him by the hands, which I then guided to my waist. Then I reached my hand up behind his head and drew it down to rest on my shoulder. I gently slung my arms around his waist, and slowly...trying very hard not to be corny, and not to be too obviously, hopelessly romantic, I swayed very slightly in time to the music.

_Words are flying out like  
endless rain into a paper cup  
They slither while they pass  
They slip away across the universe..._

_...Jai guru deva om_

_Nothing's gonna change my world_...

It didn't feel like dancing. It just felt like...being. I could feel Edward's warm cheek on my shoulder, and every now and again I would reach my hand up and press his head to me, the way my grandmother had done when I was small. I wanted this to feel like a friend comforting a friend in need, to make this a safe place for him...what I didn't want is for it to feel like two dudes tripping the light fantastic in the romantic glow of the fireplace. I hoped desperately that I wasn't embarrassing him.

As 'Across The Universe' slowly faded to a close, Edward raised his head and looked at me with a wide, yet endearingly shy smile. He murmured,

"What made you pick that song?"

I saw from his smile that my fear of embarrassing him was well misplaced. Which was the relief of my life, let me tell you. I smiled back at him, a little shy myself.

"My grandmother used to sing it to me when I was sad. I never really understood the words, it's just something about the way they all go together, it just always makes me feel better. I was worried that it would be too corny, what with the dancing and everything..." I wrinkled up my nose and looked down at my feet.

He squeezed me tight and put his head back on my shoulder.

"It was perfect, and as far as humanly possible from being corny. But this...well, this might be a little on the corny side."

I had cued up a Beatles greatest hits compilation to get 'Across the Universe' going, and some genius had decided that 'All You Need Is Love' should be the next track. He was right. It was terribly corny. _Oh well, when in rome..._

I began to sway my hips in an exaggerated motion...and then put on a dopey grin and bobbed my head from side to side. He laughed, but he wasn't cool enough to bow out. Nope, he swayed right along with me. Halfway through the song we were throwing each other across the floor doing ridiculous spins, spastic tango motions, and John Travolta disco turns, our dance now a terribly lame hodgepodge of all the dance moves we'd seen on TV growing up. As uncool as Edward Cullen has ever been. And not the coolest moment of my life, either. But importantly, Edward was finally laughing, and the heaviness had finally lifted behind his eyes. I could finally see him. The real Edward.

Unfortunately...inevitably...our spastic dance moves, coupled with our unbridled enthusiasm got the better of us, and finally a leg got wrapped around an ankle and before you could say ''boogie wonderland" we were sprawled on the floor in a laughing, tangled mess. Edward howled as I lay my head back on the rug and groaned, trying to stifle my laughter.

"Owwww. Dude, your floor _hurts." _Lying on my back, my leg was wedged into an advanced yoga pose with my foot reaching somewhere up above my ass. Edward laughed and shoved me with both hands.

"Not as much as my crotch hurts with your knee shoved into it. Jesus!" He scrambled to try and untangle himself, slipped, and headbutted me in the chin as I bit my tongue.

I screamed.

"AGGH!!! Fuck!! Oh shit that hurts!" I was still laughing, and seeing stars, and wondering faintly if my chin was broken. Edward was now resting his head against my chest, paralyzed with laughter.

He looked up, tears of laughter pouring down his cheeks, and kissed me.

"I...ohh, it hurts...I wanted to...thank you," he said, through gulps of laughter.

I tried my best to untangle myself, and pushed myself up to return the kiss. My jaw twinged, but I played through the pain. I'm tough like that.

"You're welcome. Anytime you feel like headbutting me in the face..."

His face grew serious for a moment.

"I mean it, Jasper. Thank you."

I kissed him again to stop him launching into a sermon...it seemed to do the trick. Soon we were tangled back together on the rug in front of the slowly dying fire, kissing each other with all of the passion we had felt a week ago when we barely knew each other. No restraint now. I was a little tentative owing to the chin injury sustained in the line of duty, but now it felt right to show him how I really felt, without actually having to say it.

His skin glowed faintly orange against the firelight, his unkempt hair glowed bright rust-colored brilliance and right then, in my stupid Harlequin-romance-novel brain, he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He smiled at me with his eyes as his tongue explored my mouth, and as his weathered hands smoothed their way over my chest, I lay hoping that I wouldn't go completely emo and burst into tears of joy. Instead, I concentrated on focusing all my "joy" and "rapture" into returning my kisses to him more passionately than ever, as it dawned on me that this time I wasn't driven by adrenalin and mild fear, but lust...maybe love, I wasn't sure. I wasn't drafting off Edward this time either. This was my own brand-new, shiny man-lust. Rawr.

Honestly, we must have rolled around on that rug for at least half an hour, kissing and tonguing and groping each other like a couple of teenagers. The bumping...the grinding...an earlobe bitten, a hard manly squeeze...more biting...lots of licking...the sound our belt buckles made as they clicked and ground against each other...I felt like I was 16 again. It was definitely fun... but my back was killing me, since the rugs were barely any kind of cushion against the hardwood floor and Edward, skinny as he is, all sinew and muscle, seemed to favor crawling around on top of me. Even a skinny sack of potatoes like him gets heavy after a while. And I really, really needed to get out of my jeans. I felt like my whole crotch was shrinkwrapped. I pulled back for a moment and asked Edward,

"Hey...so do you have any beds in this Grizzly Adams cottage? I'm too old for this rolling around on the floor shit."

Edward grinned and jumped up, then extended a hand as he pulled me up off the floor. Then he came out with the most bizarre backwoods accent I've ever heard.

"You're darn tootin. Come right this way, boy"

I shook my head.

"Dude that's way creepy. Promise me you'll never do that again. Don't forget this is serious 'squeal like a pig' country out here."

He walked ahead of me into the dark bedroom, and I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter "Oh, I hadn't forgotten," as he lay down on the bed.

I couldn't quite see him in the dark, just his vague outline on the shape that looked something like a bed. I hoped there was nothing on the floor or I was going to trip and split my head open. I made contact with the bed frame and clambered up as I asked, "Um, what did you say before?"

"Oh, nothing."

I squeezed up beside him against the wall, one arm propping my head, the other I draped over his shadowy reclining form, moving my hand over his chest and up to the side of his face, so warm against my palm. I leaned in close to him.

"There will be no squealing like a pig from me while I am under this roof. Do you hear me, Edward Cullen?"

I felt him turn towards me and as my eyes accustomed, I slowly was able to make out his face in the darkness. He was smiling.

"Who said anything about you? By the way, did I ever tell you you got a purdy mouth....?"

**[My apologies to anyone who doesn't find the humor in _Deliverance_ references. I held out for as long as I could. What can I say? I like to work blue...]**


	12. Chapter 12

**[ First order of business: LEMONS. ALL KINDS OF CRAZY LEMONS. Mature content, etc etc. **

**Okay. Now that's out of the way: ****Sorry about the semi-hiatus!**** Honestly, after Chapter 11 it dawned on me that I'd painted myself into a corner. There was no way around it. Jasper and Edward have to do the business. Which is what the story's been building to, right? The only problem...well...I've never EVER written a sex scene ever. So I needed a bit of time to work up to this one. I hope it's worth the wait. This is my first ever attempt at a guy-on-guy sex scene...heck a sex scene of any description at all...so your reviews are not only welcomed but encouraged. Thanks as always for all the cool reviews...I think there's plenty more story in me still...I sure hope y'all will come back now, y'hear?**

**Oh, and this time we've got dueling POV's : Italics = Edward POV. Normal = Jasper POV.]  
**

Chapter 12: Hush

_Even in the dark, I could see Jasper's eyes were wide...his mouth kissed me hungrily and his hands moved confidently, sensually under my t-shirt...but everything I needed to know was in his eyes. He was petrified. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. I found that comforting. Maybe his fear should have offended me...but I felt like I knew him now...and I knew that he wasn't scared of me. He was scared of "that". Of fucking. Well. If my guess was right, it was more of being fucked than of fucking. And I knew that the rest of this encounter hinged almost entirely on whether I could somehow...dissolve?…that fear. I thought about him dancing with me earlier, how he had almost tapped into my despair to find the right way to act. I was truly astonished by that level of intuition. And gratified. I wanted to repay him in kind, for my actions to speak on my behalf to make him okay with this moment between us. I couldn't convey it in a single action...but hopefully, somehow the sum of my actions would say everything that needed to be said. God, he looks so scared..._

I watched Edward watching me as we kissed, trying to swallow the sudden panic that had risen within me. I knew my heart was pounding, but I hoped that the fear wasn't visible in the dark. I concentrated on kissing him, focusing my attention on the physical..._really_ focusing. Focus on my hands as they moved up his back under his t-shirt...the feel of his warm skin beneath my palms, stretched taut over his shoulder blades, smooth like latex and warm as butter...how like the swell of the ocean the contractions of his muscles were.... the indentation of his spine like a riverbed, already damp with sweat...I focused on his mouth....his tongue and mine together in my mouth, then his mouth, never apart, twined together, touching the tips of our tongues, sliding our tongues around and together, as we bit, and kissed, and licked each other...the way he sighed deep in his chest when I pulled his tongue into my mouth, sucking gently...the way his chest expanded and contracted with his deep, intense breathing....I wondered at the bones and muscles and organs beneath my hands that were by some feat of chemistry attracting me like a drug to this man, a man as I am but not like any other I had known. Had I ever known? Focus...focus...

_I moved my hands to the waistband of his jeans, and slid them off him wordlessly. I unbuttoned my own and put them to the floor, my hands now focused on Jasper, moving across his thighs and his tightly muscled abdomen, my eyes fixed on slowly, slowly converting that fearful gaze into one of lust...love, if I was lucky..._

Edward still stared into my eyes, even in the total darkness. I still hoped, somewhere, that he didn't have an exact gauge of my fear...but the closeness of him was the perfect distraction. Even more now that we were both naked from the waist down. No bathrooms this time. He hovered over me, one hand running firmly, gently down my thigh, the other pressed firmly against my abdomen, rubbing back and forth. I liked the feeling of his bare legs against mine. He leaned closer and I felt his naked cock against my stomach, erect, radiating heat like an engine...I knew that I wanted him...I knew this was right...and I knew that everything was leading to the fearful inevitable...

_If I kept staring into Jasper's eyes, I'd drown in his fear. I knew it. The only way to make this enjoyable for him was to go slowly, go with the moment, go where his body would let me, and hopefully, I could make this something akin to a dance lesson...get him to the point where he stops thinking about what he's doing and commits to the moment, where his rational mind simply lets go. I had to stop thinking about it too, or we wouldn't get anywhere at all. I broke from a long, deep, reassuring kiss and put my lips to his jawline, trailing my tongue to the spot below his ear that made him growl and thrust, savoring the faint saltiness of his skin on my tongue, the fading scent of shampoo from his hair, damp curls against his neck. I savored the sensation for a long, beautiful moment, then slowly trailed my tongue down his neck, his chest, kissing as I went, pausing to lick each nipple as I slid myself down to his cock. I could have eased into it, should have...but when I got there all I wanted was him in my mouth. I couldn't help myself. I looked up through the darkness at Jasper. _

My eyes had adjusted to the darkness...either that or receiving a blowjob made me see in the dark. I could see Edward's blazing eyes looking up as he took me in his mouth, and I sat up a little more to watch him work. I buried my hands in his hair, feeling the glowing, tingling sensation of lust spreading all over my body as he moved his tongue around the length of my cock, his long fingers pressing into my thighs, palms warm against my skin. I wanted to throw my head back and close my eyes but couldn't bear not to watch, not to stare into his eyes as he swallowed me. To do anything less felt...well...kind of rude. And dammit, he was so good at it. And fast!

_I couldn't control myself...I wanted him further and further inside me, to taste down to the base of his spine if I had to....the way he was watching me...the fear wasn't gone, but it wasn't driving now, and he was watching me with the kind of lust that only made me want him more. I should have slowed down, savored the moment and made it more meaningful...I was acting like this was the bathroom all over again...but it felt...right..thoughts of self control tickled the edges of my mind as I felt him twitch, tighten, and then his warmth was flooding my mouth..._

I should have held on...I felt like such a teenager in Edward's hands (or should I say, mouth)...like an amateur...but oh man that burning ache that he put inside me, I couldn't keep it to myself. I loved his post-blowjob ministrations to me but I wanted him close. I needed to put his face in my hands and kiss him down to his ankles.

_Jasper suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me back up to him...his kiss was deep, and hard, and full of all the longing I had in me, as though he'd pulled it out of me into himself. Now I could feel the wanting. I knew the way from here. His hands were yearning, gripping me with such need, as though he was molding me to him...whether gratitude for a blowjob well done or more than that, I felt that our 'dance lessons' were becoming more instinctual. Jasper was in charge of his own mind now, or so it seemed..._

I couldn't stop. I felt the way they do in those awful romantic films, where the swooning man/woman declares "I've never wanted you more than I do now [insert name]". I really truly felt it. I realized I wasn't afraid. With Edward wrapped up in my arms, legs tangled about my waist, my hand buried deep in his hair as I kissed him deeper, and deeper still...I wanted him, in whatever way I was meant to have him. I felt his erection pushing against my stomach...and wanted him even more. Before I gave it much thought, suddenly I was snaking myself down his chest, groping and sliding down his sinewy frame to his cock. It wasn't until I began to put him in my mouth that I realized I had never done this before. I looked up at Edward.

_Before I had time to react, or even guide him, Jasper had put my cock in his mouth. The look in his eyes was priceless, as I watched the realization cross his face, that perhaps he didn't quite know the way from here. But he didn't stop. Smiling, I rested one hand gently on his head, approvingly...my other on his shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze. I thought that perhaps talking to him would help him find the way..._

"Nice...mmm, that's good, Jasper. Take your time...you're doing great."

I was surprised, then a little turned on by Edward's slightly rough, yet gentle tone. I didn't expect him to talk to me. It felt good, sort of like he was walking me through. But I didn't want this to feel like a lesson. I've had plenty of blowjobs in my life, and I knew what made a good one. I dug into my memory reserves and focused on my tongue...don't overdo it, swirling around like you're putting lights on a Christmas tree...do that licky thing underneath...hey, that got a growl, I guess that worked...I felt weird putting him all the way in my mouth, I didn't want to choke or bite him or anything horrific, so I figured I'd play it a little safe, but dazzle him with technique all the same. I liked the way he felt in my mouth, I liked the look on his face as I moved my tongue, the way he was trying to control his reaction but not quite succeeding, like he was going to throw his head back and howl at any moment. I never thought it would be this enjoyable, and honestly, I don't know if it was the act itself, or just knowing that it was Edward that turned me on more. I remembered how much better it was when the blowjob giver was as turned on as the receiver, if it didn't look like a chore...that was always the best blowjob. I groaned and sucked harder, staring up into his burning eyes. I was as rock hard as he was, and I the more I sucked him, the harder we both got. I growled against him, moving my mouth further down his cock...then I felt him twitch beneath me. This was the part I hadn't really thought about. Uhm...fuck...my mouth was flooded with...huh...weird...rude to spit, I always hated that...better swallow or it'll be all over both of us.

_Jasper's eyes grew round as he swallowed...Damn, he was full of surprises. I don't know if he planned any of it, and knowing Jasper the little that I did, I had my doubts...but the guy was the definition of the word 'pluck', and you had to admire him for that. It had been a long time between blowjobs for me, and being on the receiving end of Jasper's was pure pleasure. Amusing" yes, more than a little, just for the odd looks on his face as he was concentrating...but, it was bonus to discover that he was almost a natural. I saw him looking at me expectantly...I growled and pulled him up to me, kissing my praise for a job well done. I pulled away and looked at him, hands on either side of his head._

"How do you feel?," Edward asked with a grin. I smiled wryly.

"Pretty good. I didn't think I was going to end it...like...well...that. I hope it wasn't too forgettable..." I felt shy all of a sudden.

"Hey, no." He pressed his forehead to mine. "Trust me. I loved it." He kissed me reassuringly. I kissed him back, tasting that familiar taste of...him...in his mouth, finding myself craving every inch of him. I was still really, really horny.

Edward pulled away and looked at me, his hands on my shoulders.

"So. Do you?"

I wondered if I'd missed something. I looked at him questioningly.

"Do I what?"

He smiled. "Trust me. Do you trust me?"

"Of course." I smiled back at him. He leaned in and kissed me deeper again, his hands still gripping my shoulders. Then somehow, I still haven't quite figured out how, while he was still kissing me, he managed to climb off the bed and stand on the floor. He moved his hands to mine, and pulled me to the floor with him, and turned me so my back was to him. He licked the back of my neck and moved his hands to my chest.

_I stood with Jasper locked against me, figuring out the best way to approach the next part so as not to frighten him. We'd had plenty of foreplay, but I knew here, now, that there was no such thing as too much. My hands pressed against his chest, I squeezed both of his nipples as I nipped and licked against his neck. He curled himself into me, undulating with desire as I pushed myself against him. I licked the salty sweat from his hairline, at the soft lobes of his ears, grazed my teeth along the skin of his shoulder as I twisted his nipples between my fingers, pinching and releasing, turned on by his passionate reactions to my touch. I slid one hand down to his cock and squeezed my hand around his firmness, pushing myself against him again, biting his earlobe while I pinched his nipple. I leaned toward the nightstand and grabbed a condom, and quickly slid it over my erection, adding a liberal slather of lube. I felt Jasper tense slightly. I held him against me again, gently, and moved my free hand back to his chest, fingers splayed, palm pressing against him reassuringly as I murmured in his ear,_  
"We'll do this slowly. I promise. No surprises. Just stay with me, right here. We're okay Jasper. I promise."_ I breathed deeply, in and out, against his ear, and licked his neck, slowly, as I moved my hand back down to his cock, savoring the feeling of his skin against my palm, the heat from his cock in my hand, the warmth of his neck against my cheek as we breathed in and out together._

I could feel Edward's cock pressing against me. He wasn't pushing against me, or moving me, or grabbing me, he just stood there, holding me, breathing in and out, and I found myself matching my breathing with his own. The fear itching at the corners of my mind was tempered by Edward's touch...his hand on my cock, caressing and squeezing me, his face against my neck, his warm breath on my cheek...I knew this man. I knew these hands, that face, this body...Edward was here with me, against me, locked to me like we were pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I marveled at how our bodies clicked into place, just standing there without even doing anything, amazed that we...fit. I sighed and arched my back as his hand squeezed and caressed my cock...I felt him step slightly back, still breathing slowly, deeply, as he put his hand on my shoulder and bent me forward slightly. I felt him press the length of his cock more firmly against me, sliding it almost imperceptibly.

_I rocked myself back slightly on my heels, slowly moving against Jasper without pushing, without entering him, keeping him in the moment, doing my best not to jar him into fear. I moved my hand over his muscled ass, slowly moving my hand to his waist. _

Edward stayed, rocking against me...the sensation felt strange at first...but physical pleasure won out over rational thought, as my mind started clouding over and all I could think of was that feeling of his cock moving against me, not penetrating just that amazing friction, Edward moving against me in that rhythmic way, not hard enough to be grinding but just the right amount of pressure to slowly drive me out of my mind....

_There was no need to interrupt the rhythm or take Jasper out of the sensation...now it was just a matter of degrees, and of physical syncopation...I could tell the sensation was doing just as much for him as it was for me, and as difficult as it was for me to not give myself over to complete loss of control, there was pleasure in this restraint...and pleasure in pleasing Jasper. _

I gasped for breath as Edward suddenly gripped my shoulder and entered me slightly...then he rocked back again, and forward slowly, a little further....and I gasped a little more...and he rocked back more...these sensations felt nothing like the searing pain I was expecting, and if it _was_ pain I was too turned on to notice. The rhythm quickened...and we rocked together, as I gasped again and again. He grunted into my neck as we drew closer together again, Edward's hands now sliding all over my body as we locked together, panting, grunting, moaning....I was outside myself, feeling nothing but Edward, no words left in my mind or in my mouth to even express anything that was going through my head....only animal grunts growing ever louder, til I couldn't stop myself from pushing back against him as he rode into me, til there was nothing but us, my blood pounding in my ears and pulsing in my eyes and some kind of pain that was unknowable and more real than I'd ever ever known and the two of us nothing more than muscle and sweat and force and exertion as we drove like machinery to what felt like madness....

_I almost lost control and screamed in his ear, dying to lose myself in him but holding myself together to hurt him as little as possible, as I came loudly against him, Jasper throwing his shoulders back against me as he came with me, heaving and collapsing into himself as I slid my hands across the hand-sculpted musculature of his back, reveling in the slick sheen of sweat on his skin and the warmth of him still surrounding my cock. I leaned over him and kissed his neck, then pulled away from him and climbed back onto the bed. My entire body buzzed with electricity. Jasper crawled up alongside me._

I knew there were probably words for what just happened. I knew there were thoughts that I should have been thinking...and I knew there was a name for how I felt. But on the bed, lying next to Edward as the adrenalin slowly subsided, my mind was an endless horizon of storm-calmed sea, humming like electrical wires after the rain. I was nowhere but here, there was nothing but this.

_I leaned over slightly to look at Jasper's face, somewhat paranoid to see if any of the initial fear had returned, if there was any hint of regret. He turned back to look at me as I moved. We stared at each other in the semi-darkness of what was now early dawn, and what I saw in Jasper's eyes left me with not a doubt in my mind. We smiled at each other as a new day formed itself around us. _


	13. Chapter 13

**[To quote 'Joliet' Jake Blues : _"Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD._**" **I didn't forget about you, I swear. To be honest, I think Jasper and Edward's little 'cabin scene' kind of blew my figurative load...it took a bit more out of me than I anticipated...and a little longer than I planned to get back into fighting shape. Anyway the pace may be a little less frenzied from here on out, but I promise I'll not put the story on hiatus for quite so long again, cos that's just really mean. So, I've fired up the 'story train' again...let's get this little plot moving again, shall we? For those who were patient...thank you.. For those who weren't...I'm really sorry!! I'm here now, so you can send your reviews if you're so inclined to share your feedback with me. I love hearing from you! ]  
**

**Chapter 13 – So Far Away**

_Call!_

_Dammit Edward, call!_

Jasper scowled at his cell phone with a heat-seeking stare, summoning his best "Carrie" mind-skills to bring life to the dormant communication device.

Nothing.

_Gah! Maybe I should call._

Jasper flopped back on the couch in frustration. They'd been home two weeks since 'The Cabin', two weeks of inseparable togetherness so picture-perfect that it was only missing golden shafts of sunlight and a Beach Boys soundtrack. Two weeks of something so indescribably right that Jasper struggled to explain the rightness of it. So right, in fact, that it hadn't occurred to Jasper that they had had lives BC (Before Cabin). It hadn't even occurred to him that they might need to pick up the loose threads of their own lives. It was all just a dim memory.

Edward had been the first to point out the whole 'loose thread' argument. Jasper found himself sulking (no-one was more surprised than Jasper about that development). Steel-willed Edward won out, but only because he had been handed what Jasper saw as a suspiciously convenient escape hatch: Bernie, Edward's (unofficial) boss (and unofficial surrogate father) was going out of town and needed Edward to head back up to 'hill country' to keep an eye on the garage over the weekend. Or so Edward said. Edward convinced Jasper it was healthy for them to have a little breathing room, get some stuff done, catch up on some sleep even. It was only two or three days at the most. No big deal.

Which left Jasper somewhat bemused to find himself getting all Bridget-Jones-mopey over Edward's absence. It had been 12 hours since he had split town, and Jasper was kind of...well...losing it.

Since 6am he'd been to the gym; gone for a run; opened a textbook and stared at an essay topic; jerked off three times; showered twice; eaten two bowls of Cap'n Crunch (one with milk, one without); started and quit three games of Madden, two Call of Duty, and two Grand Theft Auto IV; sat through an embarrassing number of re-runs of 'The Hills' and 'Real Housewives of Orange County'...in between staring at his phone. It wasn't the level of activity that now left him deflated on the couch, channel surfing...it was the fact that the GODDAMN PHONE WASN'T RINGING.

In the fluroescent world called reality, which Jasper currently did not inhabit, he knew there was no earthly reason for Edward to call. This "gathering of loose threads" was an opportunity for a small modicum of space, and calling would be the quickest way for that space to disappear... not at all the point of the exercise.

_Suck it up, Jasper. Are you a man or an amoeba?_

Amoeba, apparently. He looked at his phone again. Who was he kidding. Edward was diabolical enough that he'd just turn his phone off altogether. In fact he was pretty sure he had, since Jasper had already tried calling once.

_That was just a test. It doesn't count as a 'call'._

Things were getting desperate.

Suddenly, the phone sprang to life. Jasper almost dropped the phone in shock. He answered dazedly.

"Hello?"

"Jazz?"

It was a girl's voice.

_Alice?_

"Alice? Is that you?"

"The one and only. Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Uh...no. This is good. I just...well, I didn't really expect to hear from you."

"Yeah...well, to be honest I didn't really expect to be calling either." She sounded pensive. "I just...well...I was thinking of you this morning, and I just started to feel like... Okay, look. Jazz, there's too much between us for you to not give me some kind of an explanation for what happened. Or at least an apology. Not that it'll change anything but, well, it's me. I'm not just anyone. And neither are you. I mean, if it had been anyone but you, I'd be like, 'Closure? Pfft. Whatever. Get the fuck out of my life, asshole.' If anyone else had done that to me, we'd be done. But it was _you_. I know you, Jazz. We've been through pretty much everything people can go through, and that night was just so...out of character? Yeah. And sure, I was angry and scared, but I was mostly...I was just really fucking confused, Jazz. I mean...I didn't blame myself, and I don't...because I can't see how it could have been ME that made you behave like that. I think you were mad at someone else, and I think I deserve to know who you brought into the bedroom with you."

_Ouch._

Jasper pulled a hand across his face, and tried to think of what to say. "You're right, Alice. And you deserve more than an apology. I mean, the way I see it, what happened isn't something that 'sorry' really covers, you know? It's bigger than that. And Alice...I mean it when I say there's nothing in my life I'm more ashamed of than what happened that night. You deserve the truth, all of it, straight up. It's just...Alice...I can't tell you over the phone. You know, now. That's just...half-assed. If you really want me to try to explain what happened, then we're going to have to do it face to face. I owe you that much at least-"

"No-no-no!," Alice interjected. " Sorry Jazz, I didn't mean you had to lay it all out now. I just meant, you know, no time like the present. Right? Like…now-ish. Haha."  
Jasper laughed. It felt good to do that with her, like a tiny bit of normal had seeped back in. "Okay, cool…So, um…do you wanna meet somewhere? I don' t know if it'd be weird for you to come over here… I mean, you're welcome…what do you think?"

_Smooth as always. _

"Well, you're not a crazy monster rapist…well…I'm pretty sure you're not… coming over there doesn't sound like that terrible of an idea. I'd rather somewhere we can relax, no time limits…where we don't have to be formal, and where…you know, like I can totally flip out at you if I have to without everyone staring at me. You know? So…your place?"

Jasper looked around the apartment. _Yeesh. Might have to get my woodland friends to help me with this cleanup job._ "Yeah, that's totally cool. The walls are pretty thick, so you can flip out all you want and no-one will call the cops. So…uh, when did you wanna come by?"

"How about 8? Does that work for you?"

_Fuck. Tonight? As in, tonight tonight? Guess she really did mean 'no time like the present'._

"Sounds good. So um, I guess I'll see you at 8 then."

"'kay! Thanks for being cool about doing this, Jazz. I know it's a lot to ask."

"No way, Alice. There's nothing you could have asked that would have been too much. Like I said, you deserve it."

"Thanks! See you in a few. Bye!"

Jasper fell back on the couch and covered his eyes with his hands, taking a moment to gather his energy for what promised to be the fastest, most frenzied cleaning extravaganza of his life.

***

Jasper had just kicked his dirty sneakers under the bed when the doorbell rang. He walked to the living room, scanning for telltale mess as he went and quickly checked his reflection in the entry mirror before opening the door. _Do I look like I'm in love with a dude? Hmm. _He shrugged and opened the front door.

Alice beamed at him with that familiar sunny smile. But he caught the flicker of discomfort in her eyes – he was the only one who could pick up on her 'tells'. He smiled back.

"Hey you. Come in." He waved his arm around her, guiding her through the door, careful not to make physical contact. It didn't matter that she'd orchestrated their meeting, or that they had almost two decades of worth of history together. He knew that he was on thin ice, and that for better or worse, he had to build a new trust over the mistakes he'd made.

Alice stood in the living room, taking in her surroundings. She nodded to herself. "Looks exactly the same as the day you moved in. You're nothing if not a creature of habit, Jazz."

He shrugged. "If you're on a good thing, you stick to it. That's my motto. ...Sort of. ...Okay fine, I'm lazy. Whatever." He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Can I get you a drink? Beer, wine, water, juice soda...protein shake?"

_Wish I could get the blind fear out of my voice. _Jasper looked down and noticed his hands were trembling. _Christ please let her say beer. Please please please._

"Blerg. Keep your protein shakes. Ick. Um...a beer I guess. I'm not used to feeling this nervous around you. Maybe it'll help. Ha ha." Her good humor sounded as forced as his own.

Jasper mentally applauded the decision. "Great minds think alike. Beers all round." He glanced back to check her position, and threw a bottle over his shoulder. She caught it deftly. It was definitely weird, Jasper couldn't agree with her more. It was like going through the looking glass...they were both the same, but everything they said felt...awkward. Strange. Foreign. Like being trapped in alien bodies.

He returned into the living room. Alice now sat stiffly on the edge of the couch, holding the beer between her knees, looking as though she were waiting for a bus. Her gaze was distant, far away. Jasper wandered to the couch and sat down, opened his beer and passed her the bottle opener. Alice flickered out of her reverie and opened her beer. They sipped quietly. Jasper's mind was racing.

_How the hell do I even tell her what happened? 'Hey Alice I'm gay'. 'Um, so Alice I'm into guys now.' 'So. Have you ever had a guy blow you in a bathroom?' Aggh. This is going to suuuuuck. _

Alice took another sip of her beer, and settled back into the corner of the couch, pulling her legs into a cross legged position.

She reached out and poked him in the shoulder. "Hey."

Jasper shifted back into the couch and turned, smiling, towards her. "Hey." He looked into her eyes, and then looked down at his beer. She looked away.

"This is kinda weird, huh," she murmured.

"Yup. I think the word is 'awkward'."

She sighed. "I knew it was going to be like this. I guess I just hoped I wouldn't notice it quite so much. You know? Makes it hard to talk."

Jasper tugged at the label on his beer. "Yeah. Well. I dunno, I'm probably making it worse. Now that I've signed up to explain myself, I'm not really sure how to do it. I think I've freaked myself out too much just thinking about it."

Alice laughed softly. "Performance anxiety?"

Jasper smiled. "Yeah, you could say that."

Alice reached out her hand, and put it gently on Jasper's arm. "I know how hard this is, Jazz. I don't want you to be afraid of me. Take your time. It won't be as bad as you think, it's just getting started that's the hard part."

Jasper mentally shook his head in amazement. For as long as he'd known her it was always like she was walking around in his mind, seeing all the twists and turns his thoughts were taking. And he always found it easy to plug into her mood...actually, if he thought about it, she was probably doing all this on purpose to help him along...but even now, after everything, premeditated or not, it was working. He felt a small ache of loss for what they had had for all those years. That he had extinguished in mere moments two weeks ago.

Jasper sighed and gave Alice a sidelong glance. "I dunno, Alice. I guess you're right...it'll just get harder if I don't get it over with sooner rather than later." He took a gulp of his beer and settled deeper into the couch, aware of Alice's eyes on him. "So.... That night....[sigh]...fuck!" Jasper pulled a hand through his hair, the words feeling like lead in his mouth. "Well, aside from you having the misfortune of actually being there while all that was happening, none of what happened that night was in any way because of you. You know that, you're not blind. I...well...some stuff happened that day...that well, got into my head and fucked me up, and instead of dealing with it I just tried to pretend it didn't happen." Jasper took another gulp of beer.

"God. I don't want this to sound like a therapy session. I'm responsible for what happened, I did that to you and I don't want this to sound like I'm passing blame or explaining any of that away...i don't want it to sound like I'm diminishing it....you know?" He glanced at Alice. She nodded, smiling a little to encourage him to keep talking. "It was a really, really weird day. Do you remember how I said that my phone got broken?" Alice wrinkled her nose thoughtfully, trying to remember...then nodded. "Well, that was kind of how it got started. I was on my way to class and Edward Cullen flicked a cigarette butt at me as I was walking through the quad. I dropped my phone and it smashed into a billion pieces. It's the closest I've been to starting a fight...god I was pissed." Jasper sipped at his beer, marveling at how far away that day seemed now.

Alice's attention was piqued by the mention of Edward. "Edward Cullen? Really? He didn't do it on purpose though, did he?"

Jasper was amused at how subtly she came to his defense by framing her reaction in the form of a question. He grinned to himself. If only Edward knew the power he held over women, Jasper wouldn't see him for dust.

He smiled wryly. "No Alice, he didn't do it on purpose. But it pissed me off so much, I was sure I was going to get my chance to finally beat him down. I mean, I was sizing him up within a nanosecond! And then..."

"What? Tell me you didn't hit him..." Alice was leaning forward now, hanging on his every word.

"Gah! How about I finish my own story? Jeez." He smiled at her. "He just kind of stared at me...I found out that his whole James Dean thing is a lot different up close."

"Mmm hmmmm" Alice nodded in agreement, a wistful smile playing on her lips.

Jasper shook his head and pretended to ignore her. "So somehow I ended up letting it go. I mean, just dropped it. Didn't even shove him. To the point where he apologized and I told him it was no big deal. It was weird. I was SO angry...and then I wasn't. He offered to replace the phone, wouldn't take no for an answer.... then I bailed because I was late for class."

Alice looked at him. "So that's it?"

He laughed ruefully. "I haven't even _started._" Alice's eyes grew wide. "So I go to class..."

Jasper recounted the whole encounter at lecture theater, finding that Alice's intense interest in Edward's involvement gave him the confidence to add the details he might have ordinarily left out. She seemed to relish the level of intrigue, which surprised him for some reason. In the few hours leading up to this meeting, Jasper had anticipated a certain repulsion, or confusion, or...ambivalence from Alice. He hadn't banked on her fascination.

"...So I'm sitting in my seat, I'm rock hard...and he's rubbing my leg. I mean. Heh. 'My leg'. Shyeah right. My thigh..practically my groin. He's got his hand HERE -", Jasper mimics the position of Edward's hand on his own thigh for Alice, "-and he's RUBBING me. And I'm sitting there. Then suddenly the TA says we've done our duty, study's over and we can leave if we want to. And I am OUT of there like a bullet from a gun." He gestures wildly with one hand and then checks himself, realizing his animation might be getting a little unwieldy.

Alice is wide-eyed, still half-smiling, now shaking her head. "Holy cow, Jazz. Edward CULLEN did this? I can't believe it. Honestly, all this time I had NO idea he was gay. Not even an inkling and I'm normally pretty good at picking up on those vibes. But wow, he's TOTALLY stealthing it! That's insane...." She paused and stared at Jasper pointedly. "And as for you...." She clucked her tongue in mock-disapproval. "Since when are you bi-curious?" She raised an eyebrow.

Jasper felt his face burning. "Shut up. And I'm not even finished yet so you'd better lay off or I won't tell you any more. Anyway, aren't you supposed to be angry with me?"

As soon as he said it he knew he'd overstepped.

Alice's eyes darkened momentarily, and she lowered her voice. "Oh I am, Jasper. Don't ever doubt it." And then she brightened again, the darkness gone like a momentary eclipse. "But you have no idea how much I'm enjoying seeing you squirm. Besides, you always hated how much I crushed on Edward...god you positively FUMED about him EVERY time we saw him...so I think this is just hil-ARIOUS..." She bounced in place, grinning like a cheshire cat.

"Well, I'm glad I amuse you." Jasper waggled his now-empty beer bottle. "You want another?"

"Yes please!"

Jasper walked to the fridge, and tossed a fresh beer over to Alice. He opened his own on the edge of the counter and walked back to the couch, pausing for a long pull on the ice cold beverage before plonking back down.

"So I ended up in the bathroom..."

**[Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment! I swear on my nanna there will be a next installment. Imminently.. ]**


	14. Chapter 14

**[Okay, I wasn't intending the turnaround to be this quick, but I realized I kinda shafted you guys on that last chapter with the cliffhanger. It just seemed like it would get too unwieldy not splitting it into two, which is why I ended the way I did. Anyway, here's the meatier part of the meal for you to chew on. Think of it as a peace offering. I have to say, I do like having Alice back. She makes me work a little harder for my money, bless her cotton socks. ]**

**Chapter 14 Only The Bones Will Show**

"...so I turn around, and there's Edward."

Alice coughed, choking a little on the beer she was drinking. "He FOLLOWED you in there? Jesus Christ, Jazz. I never knew you had this effect on guys."

Jasper smiled. He was enjoying Alice's interest in his sordid bathroom saga. He was definitely feeling far more relaxed now, compared to the start of the evening.

"Yeah. Who knew, right? I was a total mess. Babbling, nervous, scared...I had no idea what was going on. But the weird part is, and this is where it gets really weird...is that I think I was already attracted to him." Alice raised an eyebrow. "I mean, I don't know when it happened...maybe it was that first moment in the quad...who the fuck knows...but even when I saw that he was in the bathroom with me, why would I have stayed unless I wanted to see what happened? You know? It's not like he threatened me, or even asked me."

Alice nodded, and looked at him levelly. "So what happened?"

Jasper felt his face redden again. "Um. We made out?"

Alice leaned back. "You did NOT. Are you serious?"

"Yeah. We talked and stuff and I bumbled around like a twit...and then he was standing really close to me and I just...I don't know. I just couldn't stand him staring at me anymore so I kissed him. The way he looks at you. It fucking does something to your brain. Seriously. I don't think it's just me. It's him. He's a total freak."

Alice raised her eyebrow at him again. "Oh I'll bet." She shook her head and took another sip of her beer. "This is something else, Jazz. I mean...here I was thinking it had something to do with another girl, or maybe you'd somehow become impotent or something.." Jasper raised his eyebrows, to which she shrugged in reply "...but this? I couldn't have made something like this up if I had tried." She shook her head again, and then smiled seductively. "And with Edward Cullen of all people....you certainly know how to get me on side."

Jasper smiled. "Well you enjoy your little fantasy. This is my life here." He swigged some beer. "So ...yeah, the whole bathroom thing was pretty crazy. I mean, making out with a guy? With Edward? It was like I wasn't even there, you know, it happened so fast. And then when he blew me, that was just..."

"He what?" Alice completely missed her mouth, spilling beer down her chin. She was staring at him wide-eyed as she wiped herself off.

"Oh...I guess I should have led up to that. Yeah. He gave me a blowjob in the bathroom. One minute we're making out, the next minute my pants are around my ankles and he's kneeling in front of me. I didn't even know it was happening. It was fucking crazy." Jasper rubbed his neck. This was where the explaining really started to kick in.

Alice was staring at him, bemused. Not expressionless..not exactly smiling but not exactly sullen. "Edward Cullen sucked your cock. You have got to be kidding me."

He looked at her evenly. "Alice, would I make something like that up?"

She shook her head slightly. "No. No...you wouldn't." She smiled wryly at him. "Then again, it seems like the things I knew about you a month ago don't really hold any water now. This is like...like...Opposite Day or something." She swigged her beer. "So then what? Did you go home with him? What happened?" Something in her voice had changed slightly...she had stiffened, imperceptibly perhaps...but he could feel it. He knew the lighthearted tone was now long gone.

"Um...well... god I really hate saying all this shit out loud, it sounds so retarded..." She was watching him with a level of scrutiny that now made him uncomfortable. The nervousness was coming back. "Um...god...okay so I jerked him off afterwards...and then he just split. I mean...the whole situation was weird, it's not like he was going to take me out for dinner afterwards or anything. And it was SO much to, you know, process...in a way it was probably good that it did kind of...end. But I guess I just didn't end up dealing with it very well. At all." He looked at Alice.

She cocked her head slightly, thinking. "So...after he left. That's when you came over?"

"Not immediately. I went to the gym, to try and work off the energy. After the gym, I planned to go home but ended up at the Golden Lion. I had a couple of beers, tried to clear my head, you know, think normally again...or get Edward out of my head at least. I mean, my mind was RACING. And then I remembed that I hadn't called you back, after the whole phone thing, so I called you...maybe a part of me wanted to tell you about it...but, well...I mean, you know what happened after that...I didn't even bring it up, I just pretended like nothing had happened."

Alice looked down at her beer. She stayed quiet for a long time. Jasper took that as a bad sign. The worst sign.

Finally she looked up at him, and her eyes blazed with anger. The playful part was over now. It had taken some time for her to see the whole picture, but now that she had weighed everything, Jasper knew just by looking at her that he'd come up short. He had always known that he would. This was what he'd been dreading.

She swigged her beer and leaned forward, perched on the edge of the couch like she was ready to spring. She turned her head and focused him with that angry glare. "Jesus, Jasper," she spat. "I mean...if I was angry at you before...this makes me even angrier." She rolled the beer bottle between her palms as she spoke. "All of that happened to you in an afternoon and you didn't even try to TELL me?" She stared at him with such disgust he had to look away. "I mean, you're not beholden to me...it's not like we were, you know, 'together'...but as a FRIEND, Jasper. A friend. God! Even when we weren't together, we've always been there for each other. Always. How long have we known each other? Fuck, Jasper." She stood up and put her beer on the coffee table. He could see the tightness in her jaw and knew not to say anything. She paced to the entryway and looked blankly in the mirror, regarding his reflection sitting pathetically on the couch, his meek figure passively watching her react. She wheeled around. "So you were wrestling with the fact that maybe suddenly you're gay...or bi...or, well you're just fucking confused, whatever...and you think that fucking ME is going to help? What the fuck did you think was going to happen? That you could fuck it all away with me? God. No wonder you couldn't get it up. You were so pent up about him there was no-one else in the room, was there?"

He remained silent...mainly in agreement. There was nothing she said that wasn't true.

"That really fucking hurts, Jazz. All of that shit, all of it...it didn't have to happen! It could have been a completely different story if you had actually told me what the fuck was going on! I would have supported you, Jazz. You know I would. But you acted out this whole...denial...and fucked everything up. Everything." She was crying now, angry tears ran down her face, and she stared at his slouching form. He could barely bring himself to look her in the eye.

Tears welled in his eyes as he stared back at her. "Alice. I..."

Slowly collapsing to her knees on the floor, she sobbed and shook her head. "No Jazz. Don't even say it. You were right. This is bigger than an apology. 'Sorry' won't cut it...." She sniffed and wiped her eyes that still flashed with rage. "God, Jazz!! It's like you cut yourself out of me. I look into myself and you're not even there anymore! I mean...we had been kind of weird for a while, I know that...but at least we were friends." Her eyes welled again as the bitter tears continued to flow. "You were always my shelter, Jazz. We were freaktwins. Remember? That's what we used to call ourselves." Jasper felt a pain in his chest at those words, the tender memory made sharp by the bitterness of his own betrayal. Alice put her hands over her face, wiping her tears, and looked at him pleadingly. "But this? Oh god...I mean, when you first started talking about Edward, I wasn't really thinking about what all of it meant. What it was leading to. I don't...how could I prepare myself for the knowledge that...that I wasn't even an afterthought. Do you even know how empty that makes me feel?"

He was shaking now, crying. Like a hail of gunfire, her words stung him repeatedly. "Of course I know, Alice," he murmured. He looked up at her, her figure blurred through the stinging tears. "It can't feel any less empty than how I feel. Who the fuck am I to give up your friendship? It's so fucking stupid." He rubbed at his eyes with fists, trying to clear his vision. "That whole day, it was like I was choosing not to choose, like some stupid fucking cork bobbing around in the ocean. I didn't even decide not to tell you. I just kept wading through the shit, like some dimwitted fucking moron. I mean, out of all of it, that's what I hate the most. The passivity. Pathetic...fucking...inaction. And of everything that I _didn't_ decide to do, of all the decisions I _didn't_ make...not telling you was the worst. Because none of this, none of this is worth anything if I lose you. I don't want....," He gulped for air, trying to catch his breath before he lost it all together..., "I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to go..."

He fell forward, head in his hands, sobbing loudly. He knew some psychobabble would tell him this was all abandonment issues. Freud would have a fucking field day with all the 'Mother' crap buried in his past. But all those subconscious explanations were bullshit. Because the truth was ihere. The truth was now. Alice was the truth. Alice meant the world to him. Even if they weren't girlfriend and boyfriend anymore, even if they hadn't been that for months now, they were what kept each other afloat. She was practically family...more than that...like a life-support system, a living, breathing part of him that he couldn't remember ever being without. He didn't want to know what Jasper without Alice would be like. And knowing that no matter how he sliced it, that this was all his fault? He wasn't sure if he could live with that burden. Especially not if he couldn't use the rest of his time on earth trying to earn her forgiveness. If she turned her back on him now...not even Edward could help him.

Jasper continued sobbing for what seemed like an eternity. He heard Alice move, and felt a weight across his back...and saw that Alice had climbed back onto the couch, and was leaning against him, her face pressed into his back, breathing shallowly, holding a handful of t-shirt in each tightly curled fist. They remained there, in quiet smouldering angst, until Alice stirred and sat up.

Jasper leaned back on the couch and wiped his face. He looked up at the ceiling.

"I know I've fucked this all up to hell. I know that the friendship we had doesn't exist anymore, at least not as we knew it. I know that that's because of me and I will live with that every day of my life. But...and I'll beg you if I have to -," Jasper turned to look at Alice, who was staring at her hands, "-please don't leave me. Us. I know it'll never be the same again, I know that. I'll take that punishment...but not having you in my life at all...it would kill me, Alice."

Alice wept quiet tears. She looked back at him. "I know. It would kill me too, Jazz. A part of me will always hate you for this...and I can't even think about how I could ever, truly forgive you...but I don't think I could let you go, even if I wanted to. You're in this new kind of hell, but I don't want you to be alone in it. Maybe we can find a way to help each other." She wiped her nose on the back of a hand, and took his hand with her other.

She forced a smile. "Besides. God knows what other sorry messes you'd get into if I wasn't here."

Jasper smiled and squeezed her hand as tight as he could.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 – Pretty Tied Up**

**[I'm back! And I brought lemons for you all. I know I'm hard to put up with all my comings and goings......agh yes I suck and I'm sorry. So here's Jasper and Edward to hopefully make it all up to you. Oh and to the eagle-eye reviewers who happened to notice that I managed to change POV to third person in the previous two chapters...I am embarrassed to say that it was unintentional. Let's call it authorial hubris. Like when Daniel Defoe's Robinson Crusoe ran naked into the ocean and began filling his pockets with treasure. I bow before you, human and fallible. We're back on Jasper's POV from now on unless I deliberately change it. You're right. It's much better through his eyes. He does have such lovely eyes... ]**

I heard the jangle of keys at the front door and I knew right away that it was Edward. The door opened and he stood in the entry, closing the door behind him as he tiredly rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. I took a moment to take him in, the way I always do even when I see him all day....the tousled rust-colored hair, long neck, strong jaw, the white shirt that's not fitted but somehow_ fits_ all the same, muscled arms and long, long fingers...dirty jeans, worn-out biker boots...ah fuck it time's a-wasting. I can take him in, or I can...you know...take him in. I quickly leaped from the couch to greet him.

He met me halfway, and as he pulled me close I found myself overwhelmed by how much I had missed him in those few short days. I mean, not like I was writing scented letters or sobbing into a pillow (though I came close, I'll admit)...but damn he's got a strong presence. You notice it when he's not around. Like when you move furniture out of your apartment, the way you can still see where it used to go. But it's the intimate details of him that I missed. Seeing him for the first time from afar is great, but up close is the real catalog of the things I missed so much. The faint smell of grease on his hands as he brings them to my face...the dry electric crackle of light in his amber eyes...the way he gently bites at his bottom lip just before he's about to kiss me...the warm of his skin through the fabric of his shirt...the slight roughness of his palms...the slow, intense breathing...the growls in his throat...and now it was all right back here in front of me again, where it belonged. I liked having him home again. Hell, I liked having him.

In mere moments of the kiss we were tangled together, staggering towards the couch as we wrestled t-shirts off outstretched arms, belt buckles jangling together like a dinner bell as we availed each other of our jeans, collapsing into each other as we fell onto the couch. It's not like I planned to strip him naked. It just happened. It always happens. We kiss once...maybe a long time, maybe not...but inevitably we're tearing clothes off each other before I even get to think about slipping a tongue. It just feels...right. More right. To be as close as we can be in every physical way. That seems to be our goal. And sure it's only been two weeks since the cabin and the honeymoon doesn't wear off for a good while yet... but the energy is still the same as our first kiss in that campus bathroom. You could power a small town with the energy that came off the two of us together.

Edward pulled his head away from our kiss, propping himself up with one hand with the other tangled in my hair. He smiled gently. "Hey," he murmured.

I smiled back. "Hey. Where you been?"

His eyebrow rose. "Where have I been? Hmm. I saw the missed calls on my cell. I _know_ you know where I've been." He grinned.

I looked away nonchalantly, examining the living room. "Whatever. I was just checking to make sure you got there okay." I glanced back at him. His eyebrow was still cocked.

"Uh huh. So the voicemail you left, where you said that you missed me...?" he trailed off expectantly.

I gave him a bored look. "Are you sure that was me? Because you know, I didn't miss you at all."

Edward laughed softly. "Not at all? Hmm. Then I have to say I'm confused...," he said as lowered himself back down to kiss me, "...because I'm getting some signals that are telling me otherwise." His hand reached down to encircle my cock (sadly, in a state of readiness that betrayed my fake boredom). "You really didn't miss me at all?" He gently rubbed his hand up and down the length of my cock.

I struggled to maintain composure. I gave him a confused look. "Signals huh? Are you sure you're not imagining them?"

He pretended to consider it. "Well, the signals are very subtle. I could be reading them wrong. " He continued rubbing my engorged cock, grinding his own hips gently against me in rhythm as he nuzzled my neck.

I wanted to pin him to the couch but I valiantly tried to maintain my charade. "I think you're just confused from the long drive. Honestly, I didn't miss you at all," I half-whispered as he flicked his tongue over the hollow of my throat.

I felt him smile into my neck. "I knew it was too good to be true." He rubbed my cock harder, biting my earlobe as I clenched a fistful of his hair. We kissed hard this time, and I groaned loudly as he suddenly slowed into a gentle stroke that I could barely feel. I groaned out loud. He's going to stop. Goddammit. Edward smiled that sly smile of his and looked me in the eye. "You didn't miss me. Not at all? I must say I could have sworn otherwise."

He took his hand off my cock and looked at me, somewhat expectantly, still smiling...a little more evilly than I would have liked.

Oh my god. He's going to make me say it. He waited patiently.

"Hunhhh....I um...uh oh Jesus... Edward this is really fucking cruel...okay fine I yes I missed you." I had my eyes scrinched close because my boner was KILLING me. I opened one eye. He was still giving me that evil, expectant look.

Bitch.

"What?" I asked him, trying to keep the faint irritation out of my voice.

"It'd be nice if you said it like you mean it." Still smiling that evil fucking smile. GAH. I should've known better than to mess with him. He always fucking wins. And he knows I'm not going to hold out on this. Not now. Sure I could jerk myself off but hadn't I been doing that for three days already? Would you really paint your own ceiling when Michelangelo's standing right there?

I sighed resignedly and put on my best face for the confession. I reached out a hand to stroke his face as I spoke (you know, for effect). "I really did miss you, Edward. Every single part of me. Head to toe. Honest to god." I smiled my winning-est smile and mentally crossed my fingers.

He grinned broadly. "That's what I thought." He leaned down to kiss me deeply, and moved his hand back to squeeze my cock. As the ticker tape parade in my head commenced, he quickened the pace with his hand, and I went back into the throes of lust, back where I belonged. But I guess a handjob wasn't all that he had in mind, because he moved his head slowly down my stomach. A marching band joined my mental ticker tape parade as Edward gave me a sly grin, looking me dead in the eye as he took my cock in his mouth. He knew how much I liked this. How much I liked him doing it. And how much I liked him watching me liking him doing it. Let's just say we had an understanding.

We both understood that Edward was very very talented and that I had all the tools he needed to help him expand and hone those....unhhhhhhh....wow....yeah, those...ahem...talents.

I propped myself up a little to watch him. It's hard to describe what it is that I wanted to watch. Aside from you know, the obvious QED..you know...my cock, his mouth. It was more than that though. I think it was how effortless it looked. He never looked like he was straining, or working hard at it...even though I could feel in every part of me that he was. The best way to explain it is that it's like watching someone who loves ice-cream eat the same bowl they eat every day, but eating it as though they'd never had it before. Or as though it were the last. Something. (I'm not sure what the difference would be between your first bowl of ice-cream ever and your very last as far as how you ate it)...but that's kind of what it was like watching Edward give me a blowjob.

The man was seriously skilled.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I'd missed him so much that it didn't take a whole lot for him to get me off, and before I knew it he was sucking up the last of my come and moving back up to say hello again. The whole thing was my favorite part, but this was my favoritest of my favorite parts, because it was like getting him back all over again. I kind of miss him when he's down there.

We rolled around some more, kneading sweaty muscles, pulling handfuls of hair and kissing each other as hard as we could without drawing blood. It quickly got me back "in the mood" again...and then suddenly Edward was standing up and pulling me off the couch.

"Come on."

He led me to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Now this I liked. We'd been showering together a lot...I found it was a little more relaxing than being shoved up against a dresser or a wall or bent over the arm of the couch, and I felt a little less...I don't know...exposed I guess. I mean. I loved being fucked by Edward. Don't get me wrong. I never thought I would ever love being fucked at all...so that alone was kind of a cool discovery. But it can make you feel a little bit cheap and nasty if it's over and done too quickly, and especially since it's hard to get the intimacy right when you're not face to face, which you'll have to forgive me but I'd kind of gotten used to.

So the shower helped get back a little intimacy. It slows things down, and it makes everything feel better, sexier.

A bit of lube before you get in, and bob's your uncle. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so nice. It felt like we were there for hours...so slow and rhythmic, like riding the ocean waves...and him wrapped so tight around me it was like we were part of the same person, sand and ocean, perfectly in tune.

****

We lay on the bed, towels around our waists and let the afterglow roll off us in waves.

Edward turned to face me.

"So, what did you get up to the last couple of days? Surely you didn't pine the whole time..."

I laughed. "Very funny. Not much. I was a bit of a lost cause at first, you know, all the texting and calling...but then out of the blue Alice called me, and so she came over and we talked everything out." I saw him stiffen slightly. I knew he thought I didn't see it. He tries pretty hard to cover his tracks with me, but when I know something is going to be an issue, I just know to anticipate the repressed reaction. In some ways I would rather he'd just let it all out and give me his first reaction. I don't like all the masking he does with me. I feel like he's trying to protect me, or that he thinks I can't handle it...or worse that I don't even know to expect it. I don't like it.

"How did that go?" he asked evenly.

"Um. Well. It wasn't great. I mean, I really did tell her everything, and even though she was okay with most of it, it's still a lot to take. I've got a lot of work ahead of me, let's just say that."

He was looking out the window now, obviously rolling around what I'd said.

"So...what. You're getting back together?" He still wasn't looking at me.

I reached out and touched his shoulder but he didn't move. I sighed.

"No Edward. I didn't say that, and that's not what any of that means. Sure we dated but over everything we're friends. For us to stay friends, I'm going to have to gain some of her trust back, that's all I meant. I never told you what happened between us, did I?"

He was still looking out the window. "You mentioned it at the cabin but that's all. I just assumed it went badly."

I sighed. "You could say that. It got pretty ugly...I was drunk, and confused, and she tried to give me a blowjob but I couldn't get it up. I got all bent out of shape about it and tried to force her to take all of me, you know...anyway it scared the shit out of her and I made her cry and I left soon after that. And she didn't know until now exactly why all that had happened. She felt she was owed an explanation, and so I gave her one. It was the least I could do after the way I treated her. I never pictured myself being THAT guy, you know? And once it was all out in the open, we talked it around for a long time. She cried. I cried. It was like a therapy session. Really full-on." I looked over at Edward.

He was still facing the window. "Did you sleep with her?"

I was stunned. I lay there for a moment, then I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, wondering what on earth was going through Edward's mind. It was like he wasn't even listening. Like he'd already written the whole story in his head and was just looking for confirmation that it actually happened the way he thought it would. It kind of pissed me off. I stood up and walked over to stand in front of the window he was so intently, expressionlessly staring out of.

He was stone faced.

I waved my hand in front of him. "Edward. Look at me." He glanced up.

"If we're going to do this..." I fluttered my hands between us, "...you know, together, you are going to HAVE to trust me. You're going to have to LISTEN to me. And you are going to have to STOP playing this fucking Hamlet shit with me with all this internalized angst. I can see it. I know you hide your feelings from me, I know you're not telling me what you really think. I haven't said anything until now but you need to know that it drives me crazy. You need to knock that shit off. And this Alice stuff? Edward, I am not going to cheat on you! I haven't cheated on you. I'm not going to leave you for my ex-girlfriend. You're not going to find Alice and I in bed together on a Tuesday afternoon. Just because I say her name doesn't mean we're engaged to be fucking married." He was looking at me, but it was like he was looking through me. I threw my hands in the air in frustration. "Dammit Edward! This...us... it's not going to play out the way you EXPECT it to happen. You've got your little script all written up in your mind, and it's like you WANT me to play it out for you. Like that will make you happy, that it all ends the way you think it's going to. And you know what? Underestimating us...fuck, underestimating ME so much is a fucking TEXTBOOK way, the best way, to drive this car off a fucking cliff. Seriously. You want it to all blow up in your face? THIS, what you're doing now? This is the perfect way for that to happen. Except here's the thing. I know you. Maybe I've only known you for two weeks, but I fucking know you Edward and I'm not going to meet your shitty expectations of me by blowing out on you like that. I know you and that's why I WOULD NEVER FUCKING DO THAT." I balled my fists and pushed them into the sides of my head. I sighed.

"But that's not the problem. I can know you all I like, it won't make a difference. The problem is that you don't know ME." I walked to the closet, pulled on a t-shirt and closed the bedroom door behind me as I left.

**[Thank you as always for your great, awesome, way too flattering reviews. Keep them coming. **


	16. Chapter 16

**[Oops. Yeah, I was gone for a while, huh. You can lay down your pitchforks and extinguish your torches, devoted readers. Jasper and Edward are back with more angst than you can handle. POV is back to normal again...Jasper's being emo and Edward's being kind of a dick, but as we move along we'll find that the shoes fit quite nicely on their other feet. They've got a tangled web going on now, what with their steamer trunks full of baggage that they're dragging around with them. But we love them so, and emote they must. So on with the show. The hiatus is over...welcome back to our regularly scheduled programme! Thank you all for your reviews and comments. You're the best!]**

**Chapter 16: I Would For You**

I was in total 'Hulk Smash' mode. I stood in the living room still in my jockey shorts and t-shirt, fists clenched, ready to break anything within reach. My head throbbed.

_Goddammit Edward!!! Why do you have to be such a douche? Jesus. _

Maybe it was ridiculous to get this worked up over the whole 'did you sleep with her' question. Especially since I was pretty sure that Edward was playing cold to get the best reaction out of me. But that's what pissed me off more than anything…him playing Spock to my McCoy. When it came to these moments, it was his complete lack of emotion that straight up made my blood boil. Where's Kirk when you need him?

Sure, Edward Cullen is caring, he's handsome, he's loving, he's vulnerable, he looks great in a pair of pants…he's all those things but sometimes it's like he's playing at being human. Like he's a fucking replicant, or some kind of undead creature that's lived 12 lifetimes and forgotten how to actually BE human. I dig all the way down only to find that there's nothing there but cold mistrust. If there's any real feeling in there he sure as fuck won't let me see it. Every time…EVERY time we get close, emotionally close, when we really start to talk, it's like he uses it as an opportunity to test my loyalty, to try to catch me in a lie. After all that airing of our baggage, all the shit we've both been through, I would have thought that he'd trust me, that he'd let me in. But he doesn't. He shuts me down and it drives me CRAZY.

Oh, we've had the 'Alice' conversation before. This wasn't a first, not by a long shot. Ever since that night at the cabin when he found out I had had a 'girlfriend', all he has to do is hear Alice's name and he shuts down. It got so bad that I took the time to lay out the whole relationship between Alice and I from start to finish, to impress upon him that next to my Grandmother she was THE most important person in my life, not as a girlfriend but as a person. But no matter how I explained it, no matter how much I stressed that she wasn't a threat to him at all, he'd never let it go…no matter what I told him, he expected to get hysterical phonecalls from her in the middle of the night and to one day walk in on me banging her on the kitchen table…and nothing I could say could change his mind. He was flat out afraid and he would never, ever admit it.

And that's what was driving me batshit insane right now, that's what had thrown me into 'Hulk Smash' mode. I had barely said her name and he's asking if I slept with her. After everything I've told him about her, after everything we've gone though in such a short amount of time, I just cannot fucking believe that we're back to this. That we haven't moved past this point yet. It's so fucking retarded I just want to scream. And what gets me is he's all about trust and honesty, so why can't he trust me about Alice? I mean, he's never even met her for Chrissakes.

_Hang on a second. Think about that._

_He can't know about Alice because he's never met her._ _Therefore…_

_Therefore if he **met** Alice, if he saw for himself…maybe…he'd see she's not a threat. Ohmygod yes! That's it!!_

_Wait. No._

_Edward would never do that. I mean, he practically breaks out in hives at the mention of her name. Why would he want to meet her? As far as he's concerned she's Queen Succubus, She-Demon from Hell. And Alice would freak. We're still pretty ragged as it is, I mean shit got pretty intense the other night. She'd never agree to it._

_Yeah. No. That won't work at all._

_Or would it? It** could **work. If he knew how important it was to me. And if Alice knew how much baggage Edward was carrying around with him, or at least about some of it, she might be more sympathetic. _

_But how to make it happen?_

I sat down on the couch and tried to work out a plan of action, 'Hulk Smash' mode just a distant memory.

***

I gently opened the bedroom door. Edward was still on his side staring out the window. The light of the afternoon was slowly fading to dusk, throwing shadows from the trees outside over his face. For a moment I felt like I was standing inside a photograph. At that moment he was beautiful in the most melancholy way possible.

I walked around to his side of the bed and gently sat down, not too close. I watched his face. He didn't acknowledge me, not even a flicker of an eyelid. I stared out the window to try and gather my thoughts.

"I'm sorry for going off on you like that." I looked over at him.

He didn't respond.

I shifted on the bed to face him. "Look, I know you don't like the situation between me and Alice. You've made that clear from the start. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that, I know it doesn't help anything."

I reached over and squeezed his hand. Still no response. Then he glanced at me, then back out the window. He squeezed my hand back briefly and muttered, "It doesn't do a lot to ease my suspicion when you react like that. You know that, right?"

I smiled wryly. "The thought did occur to me."

Edward rolled over onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. "Maybe I am too suspicious. But knowing your history together…if it were me I'd never give you up. I won't share you Jasper. I won't." His eyes welled.

I squeezed his hand again. "I know, Edward. And you don't have to. This isn't an open relationship. That's not what she is to me. But I don't know how many ways I have to tell you that she's not a threat. She's Alice. She's as much a part of my life as my Grandmother. There's no scenario that makes her a threat to anything that you and I have."

He looked at me, his eyes flashing with hurt. "But how do I know that, Jasper?"

I sighed and stared into those deep pools of amber. "Well. I was thinking about that. Maybe instead of telling you...maybe I can show you instead."

He made a face. "Huh?"

I scratched at my leg absently. "What if you met Alice. Talked to her..." At those words he looked completely thunderstruck. _Crap. Just keep talking, just keep talking_. "What if she told you herself, about what we are to each other, where she fits in the equation? Maybe it would help if you understood her in her own words. Maybe it would help you understand me?" I raised my eyebrows hopefully.

He let go of my hand and stared at me. I couldn't read his look at all now, but I didn't like it.

His voice was dripping with disdain. "You think _Alice_ is the answer to this? Do you even understand what's going on here? Jasper, this is about you and me. I don't know Alice. I don't want to know Alice. Even though I feel like I fucking know her already because you won't stop talking about her. Don't you get it? I just want us. You and me. No 'her'. She's practically in bed with us every time we fucking talk, Jasper. Meet her? Are you kidding? "

He rolled over and sat up on the bed, facing away from me. This was getting away from me a lot faster than I had anticipated. The conversation definitely didn't go like this in my head. Fuck. I steeled myself to bring home some cold hard truths. Do or die time.

"You're right Edward. It's not about Alice. It's not even about me. It's about you, Edward. It's about you projecting all of your fears and insecurities onto the idea of Alice, onto what she represents. It's about you turning her into this faceless 'other' that you can use to sabotage whatever beginnings of a relationship that we have, because you're afraid and you won't admit it. I'm afraid too, Edward. But you know that because I tell you. If hadn't been through all the fucking therapy, I wouldn't know how you feel at all because you never tell me. You use Alice as a roadblock and you know it." I knew I was being pretty harsh now. But I wasn't raising my voice, I was calm…I really hoped that this wouldn't backfire. I leaned over and put my hand on his back. He turned his head in my direction but didn't raise his head. "I want this to be about you and me as well, Edward. More than anything. But if I can't get close to you without you throwing Alice in my face all the time, then what else am I supposed to do, Edward? You could see her as she really is, and see that there's nothing to be afraid of. You know, slay the dragon. Then it really can just be you and me."

Edward was slumped over, his hand over his face, shoulders sagging. He didn't raise his head, but spoke in a pained and quiet voice. "Dammit Jasper. One day I'm going to dump some truth about you, and you'll see how it feels. You sit there and you lecture me like I'm some kind of defective human being…and you won't stop. You just keep pushing and pushing to fix everything, to make everything right. This is so fucking hard for me Jasper. I don't get why you can't let me work it out. Why are you always going for the happy ending?" He wiped his face, his voice becoming more strident, angrier. "And what's worse. …Ugh. What's worse is you know WHY it's hard for me, why this is so difficult, and you still won't leave me be. I don't understand why Alice is my fucking problem all of a sudden. " He stood up and faced me, face streaked with tears. His voice was quiet and strident, and full of anger. "Okay Jasper fine. If it'll make you stop, then I'll do it. But once it's done, you will STOP hammering me on it. Her name will cease to be first thing out of your mouth. And if I still have the same feelings after I meet her, if I still have a huge fucking problem with you being 'forever bound', 'magically, inexplicably', to your ex-girlfriend…then will you accept that it's on YOU to fix it?"

I nodded. "Yes. Thank you." My insides were shaking but I didn't look at him. I was too embarrassed.

"Don't thank me yet." He grabbed his clothes and walked out to the bathroom to take a shower.

I lay back on the bed and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. My head was still throbbing.

***

"Alice? Hey, it's Jasper."

"Oh hey Jazz. What's up?" It must have been the tone in my voice. She sounded worried.

"Um. Hahah. Ohboy. I need to ask you a really weird favor." I tried to get the anxiety out of my voice.

"O-kayyy?" Now she was definitely confused.

"I need you to talk to Edward."

"What?"

I sighed loudly and tried to figure out how to explain it."I need you to meet him so he can see that you're not some crazy ex-girlfriend that's going to come at him with a knife. Or that I'm going to bang whenever his back's turned. He's really hung up about the history between you and I, and I can't convince him that you're cool. It's driving me nuts."

"You really think that him meeting me would solve that? I don't even know him, Jazz. This could be really weird."

"Yeah. I know. I've thought about that. But look.... Ah fuck it. I don't know. I just have this idea that because me telling him won't work, maybe showing him, letting him see with his own eyes who you are, hear for himself what I am to you, maybe it'll help him get it straight in his mind. I know it sounds bizarre. But I'm kind of desperate, Alice. I don't know what else to do." I rubbed my hand over my face. Maybe I was getting in over my head. Maybe Edward was right, I should just let him work it out. Alice was right too...this could end up being really weird for both of them.

Alice sighed to herself. "I understand honey. I just don't know that I'm going to be able to change his mind. You and me, we're pretty much an open wound right now, after everything that's happened. I'm still pretty emotional. It's going to be hard for me to talk about you **without** telling him that I still love you. I'm not sure that anything I say will change Edward's mind. There's always going to be something between us, Jazz. I can't convince Edward that there isn't."

"No, I know that. I don't mean tell him there's nothing between us. I probably didn't explain that very well. What I meant was more, just be yourself, be honest with him about us, from your perspective. It's not that we still 'love' each other like we're Joanie and Chachie, but I think that's what he thinks of us…I want him to know that we're there for each other…not that we can't move on and be adults. You know? I need him to see that there are other kinds of relationships that are healthy like this. His experience with relationships in general seems pretty limited, I'm not sure he's even seen that kind of love since he was a boy. I mean, you thought I had baggage? Edward has his own luggage rack. Seriously. His first boyfriend was married, and his wife found out about Edward and ended up screaming at him down the phone at 4 in the morning, hysterical that he'd stolen her husband from her, threatening to kill him. The guy ended up killing himself, and Edward blames himself for all of it. Just really heavy stuff. I want him to see for himself that you're not that, that he's not going to lose me over you. It's messed up. And you're right. Maybe you can't fix it. But I don't really see how this would make anything worse. Even if it's a little better than it was, that's something."

"Wow Jazz that's awful. God. That is really, really horrible. I had no idea. Poor Edward! I'll talk to him, definitely. But Jazz? Do me a favor?"

"Sure." I wasn't sure what was coming.

She sighed. "Don't get your hopes up on this. People are complicated. You can't repair them like furniture. And you can't make them fix themselves. They have to want to. If Edward's got that kind of baggage, it will take a lot more than a chat with me to fix it. So if it doesn't get fixed…don't give up. Maybe learn to love those broken parts of him? I don't know. I just worry that you're trying to play Mr Fix It with peoples hearts, with things that maybe more broken than you think. Life doesn't work that way, honey. It just doesn't. Sometimes things stay broken and we love them anyway."

Tears stung my eyes. Dammit, Alice.

"You're right. You know, that's the second time I've heard that today. Edward said something similar earlier. I guess it's easier to fix other people than to fix yourself, huh." I wiped my eyes and gave a laugh to lighten the mood a little. But ow.

Alice laughed back. "You seem to really care about Edward, Jazz. I respect that. If you care, then I guess that means I do too. Tell Edward to come by Saturday after lunch. We'll chat then. 'Kay?"

"Sure thing. Thanks again, Alice. You're amazing."

I hung up the phone. She really was amazing. I was still rattling around the things that her and Edward had said to me. Maybe this was more about me than Edward. Until they said that, I hadn't really thought about it. I was so focused on what was wrong with Edward I wasn't think that there is always another part of the equation. Cause and effect. I was making this just as difficult as he was.

After all the shit I went through with Mom, most of my adult life I've had this thing where I need people to not be fucked up. I need them to make sense, and I need them to understand me. The slightest hint of any part of the relationship being broken, or me being misunderstood in any way and my first instinct is FIX IT NOW. It was just starting to dawn on me that I don't know how **not** to do that.

I sat on the couch and listened to the sound of the water running in the shower. Edward was still in there.

Jesus, what a fucking mess. From a blowjob in the bathroom to this? Man. Edward + me = a therapist's wet dream. What kind of a future could we possibly have if we're this fucked up now? It didn't bear thinking about.

**[More on its way in a day or two, faithful readers! Peace out, trouts.]**


	17. Chapter 17

**[I know, I know, I put up two in a row LAST time I went on hiatus, and that time it was by way of apology then too. I promise this isn't a trend. I'll have a new chapter up next weekend – there will be no crazy hiatus this time. Pinkie swear. ****Anyway. In amongst the flood of lovely reviews for the last chapter, a few of you quite sweetly inquired about lemons. So I have to ask, devoted readers: given that the angst-level is well on the way to reaching 11 on the volume knob, do you REALLY want anyone doing the nasty in this frame of mind? Really? Steamer trunks of baggage, remember? All I'll say is patience, my pretties, and to remember my mantra: we're not writing Penthouse Forum here. Lemons will come in good time, and they'll be good. Just let our heroes get their shit together first. So. Here's the newest installment of The Young And The Angst-Ridden. Pop some popcorn and buckle those seatbelts. You're in for a ride.]**

**Chapter 17 – Road to Nowhere**

{Alice's POV}

I opened the door to find **the **Edward Cullen standing on my front porch, dressed like...well, to be honest dressed like hot Fonzie in a beaten up leather jacket, white t-shirt and faded jeans. I'd only ever seen him from a distance, so I had to give myself a minute to take in the whole thing up close. My my my. That boy was F-I-N-E fine. His rust-colored hair was mussy, sticking up every which way... He was tall, much taller than Jasper...rather deliciously disheveled, like he'd maybe slept in his clothes, or just gotten out of bed...and wow, a gorgeous strong jaw...great bone structure, actually...wonder if he's ever modeled...God get a load of those eyes...is that the floor moving or are my knees buckling?

_Get it together, Alice. _

He half-smiled in a strange, grimacing fashion and scratched at his head as he ducked to avoid my open-mouth stare.

"Hi. Um. I'm Edward," he mumbled nervously.

I smiled back at him, regaining my composure. "Hi there! I'm Alice, it's so nice to finally meet you. Come in, come in!" I reached out to shake his hand. He stared at my outstretched hand for a moment, then sort of waved his hand near mine for a nanosecond before he shoved it back in his pocket.

That seemed kind of douchey but he was probably nervous. Poor thing. Anyways, it was a shame. Looked like he had lovely big hands...

_Alice you better stop this right now. Focus._

I let Edward in and closed the door behind him as he walked on ahead into the living room. Yep. Just as lovely going away as he was coming towards me. That is one cute, cute ass. Hello indeed, Edward Cullen. I smiled to myself.

_Alice! Stop it this instant!! _

Edward was standing in the living room, practically rigid with anxiety, looking like he was ready to jump out the nearest window. I motioned for him to sit on the couch.

"Would you like a beer, something to drink?"

Coffee? Tea? Me?

_Jesus Alice, grow up. _

"Uh. Sure, " he replied, frowning. He really did look uncomfortable. This must be total torture for him. Beer will help.

I grabbed two beers from the fridge and walked back into the living room. I sat in the easy chair across from him and put my feet up on the coffee table as I opened both beers. I smiled at him as I passed him a beer.

"Look, Edward. I know this is **totally** weird, so believe me, **believe** me, I understand if you're uncomfortable. I promise I'll do my best to make this as un-excruciating as possible." I grinned at him as I took a swig of beer.

To which he merely winced in response and didn't say anything.

Tough crowd.

He shifted in his seat, and scratched his head again. "Um..Alice...honestly...I don't really know what I'm doing here." His face contorted with anger, or nerves...something. He put the beer down on the coffee table and stood up suddenly. "I should leave."

It happened so fast he was almost out the door before I could plant myself in front of him. Wow, he moves quick!

His hand was on the doorknob. I squirmed in front of him, my back against the door and looked him in the eye with my best pleading face. I noticed that he smelled really good but put the thought out of my mind. Now was definitely not the time for impure thoughts.

"Edward. Stop. Seriously. Please don't leave. It'll be fine. Really. You've just got to let yourself relax a little bit! I don't think this will be half as bad as you think it's going to be." I used my best soothing voice, and I was smiling gently but inside I kind of wanted to vomit. I was inches away from him, and honestly, as ridiculously hot as he is, and as good as he smelled (really, you wouldn't believe how good)...now I was a little scared. The anger rolled off him in waves. And he was so tall!! He glared down at me with amber-colored eyes, jaw clenching as I tried to square off against him with my most imploring look and gentlest smile, praying that he wouldn't snap off the doorknob and then my neck. The poor guy was like a caged animal. But for all my soothing and pleading he hadn't moved an inch. It was like I hadn't even spoken. Without breaking his stare, I tried again. "Do it for Jasper. You don't have to like me. You don't even have to drink my beer if you don't want to. Just, please stay. For Jasper?"

Easy, boy. Easy.

He suddenly let go of the doorknob and backed away from me a couple of paces. He paused for a moment, his face unreadable, and then he spun on his heel and stomped back into the living room and sat down on the couch.

Wow. Moody thing, aren't you. Well, I can handle that. At least...I think I can. Guess I have to now that I've made him stay. Come on, Alice. Remember: Jasper.

We sat quietly for a while, sipping our beers and not talking. Nothing about him was at all relaxed...he was like a mattress spring shoved into a cardboard box. Any minute: SPROING! I decided to let him stew for a while, to see if he could at least man up and stop stewing long enough to try his hand at conversation. Sure, it was a little cruel of me to let him squirm, and I did feel genuinely sorry for him, but he was being kind of a jerk, and I wanted to see if he really did care for Jasper enough to see this through.

"I've got a question." I almost jumped at the sound of Edward's voice.

"Sure! Go ahead." I smiled at him.

He stared at me for a moment, and then smiled slightly as he pulled on his beer. He swallowed, and then proceeded with his question. "What do you think of me and Jasper being together? Does it bother you?"

I felt the smile freeze on my face and I struggled not to let my thoughts betray me. Manipulative fucker. I looked at his face. He was still smiling at me ever so slightly. What I really wanted to do was throw my beer at his head but I figured that cooler heads would have to prevail in what was shaping up to be a battle royale. I kept my smile, and sucked down some more beer for fortitude.

"I won't say that I love it. It's taking some getting used to, that's for sure. I mean... it's definitely different to see him in this kind of a relationship." I maintained direct eye contact with him. I wanted him to know that I wasn't phased. Even though I kind of was.

He cocked his head slightly and smirked at me. "What 'kind' of relationship? Gay?" He used air quotes at me.

I smiled wryly. "Sure. That too. But what I meant was a committed relationship. I don't know how much Jazz has told you, but we haven't been officially 'dating' (I used air quotes back at him) since we started college. And once we stopped being each other's shadows, we changed. Jasper needed a lot of validation, which he had been getting from me. I believed in him, I thought he was talented, so it was second nature to me to keep giving him constant encouragement and praise. But when we stopped dating, I think the lack of that scared him a little, so he started trying to get validation in other ways. Mainly other girls, casual relationships. They were the replacement for the ego stroking. I guess you could say they stroked him in other ways..."

Edward smiled wryly.

"...For a while it was like Jazz had a revolving bedroom door. But I felt no more strongly about the parade of girls than I did about him changing his socks every day. It was so routine, I barely noticed. It wasn't even part of the equation to be jealous. Of what? Empty sex? I could get that myself just as easily."

I pulled on the last of my beer, and balanced the empty on my knee. Edward regarded me with something like curiosity. Or disbelief. I couldn't tell which. I pushed on.

"So, what I see of the two of you now...well, what I've heard...from the way Jasper talks abut you, I can tell that he really cares about you. And you wouldn't be here if you didn't care about him, right?"

He rolled his eyes and finished the last of his beer. The eyeroll irritated me. I let it show just a little.

"But that's a pretty big change for Jasper! This is probably the first time I've seen him go this far out on a limb for someone other than me. I know you two haven't been together long, and maybe it doesn't seem like I've got a lot to base my opinions on, but this is the first time since we cooled off that I've seen him with someone he cares for. I like seeing that. I really do. I don't need him to need me anymore. I had him for a long time, and in our own unique way, we kind of still have each other. We just don't have to be in a relationship to have that anymore."

I smiled at him, perhaps a little more brightly than I intended. "Does that answer your question?"

He shrugged noncommitally. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Good. So I have a question for you." You know, since we're making each other squirm. I smiled again and sent forth my flying monkeys. "Why do you think that Jazz would still sleep with me now? I know you have your doubts about me, about our friendship. I think we need to talk about that."

Edward lay his head back on the couch and stared at the ceiling for a few moments, like he was trying to regain his composure. Then he lowered his head and sat forward, eyes steely, jaw clenched. Whoa. As he began to speak, his voice was hard, his tone biting.

"Why? Because two people don't date for that long and suddenly switch their feelings off because it's the 'logical' thing to do. I saw--" He shook his head at that, scowled, started again.

"I mean...I know you two were still in love even when you had 'cooled off'. Jasper told me you still slept together from time to time. No big deal, just you know, for comfort. Which means that semantics aside, you were 'in a relationship', you just called it something else to make it okay to see other people, to make sure you weren't missing out on anything now that you were both 'grown ups'. You were 'okay with it' because he kept coming back to you. You were 'okay with it' because you were still in control. If things got too confusing or too grown up, Jasper was practically conditioned to come back to you. You said it yourself: He got emotional validation from you, and he got physical validation from everyone else. Now that he's in a 'special relationship' with me, I sure as hell don't believe that all of that just stops, no matter how happy you are' for him."

He clenched and unclenched his fists as he spoke, staring into me with that laser glare. I felt like I was on a horrible carnival ride, with that feeling you have when you realize this isn't what you lined up for and you really really need to get off the ride RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

"I don't believe it for a second that any of it stops, Alice. Despite what happened between the two of you the night Jasper and I first met. In fact what happened just proves me right. He gets a blowjob from me, and then because he's feeling all weirded out he runs to Alice for validation, and oops just happens trip and stick his dick in you. Regardless of how it ended, that's what happened. I know that ended badly, but that doesn't change how it started. And it wasn't happenstance, it wasn't oh my god I haven't seen you for so long, it's so weird that you dropped by. It was Jasper needed Alice to make everything normal again. Alice will make it normal."

He suddenly stood up and started to pace. I was staring at the floor, my insides shaking. He kept going.

"You're like two kids playing house together. What Jasper doesn't understand, or what he won't give me credit **for** understanding is that your 'magical bond' only works when the other relationships, yours or Jasper's, are superficial. When a real relationship enters the picture, when one of those hearts is suddenly compromised and is compelled to put the needs of another ahead of their 'kindred spirit', then suddenly someone is going to realize what she's lost, what she will never get back. No matter how 'there for each other' you are, there is going to come a day when he's not going to be there for you. Because if he's going to have a meaningful relationship outside of you, then he's going to put someone else first. Someone else that isn't you, Alice. When that's gone, will you let him go? Or will you want him back more than anything you've ever wanted in your life?"

I wanted to run away. I couldn't believe he was saying these things to me. I curled up in my chair, and put my face to my knees. He kept pacing.

"I don't think you're being honest with **each other**, let alone with me. And I sure as hell resent being treated like a child for not 'understanding' what you 'have'. You both act like you're higher beings when you talk about your relationship, but you're the children here. When I listen to Jasper, and you, tell the story of how you've been together for so many years, your incredible relationship, how you've 'been there' for each other as people walk in and out of your lives like extras in a stage play, what **wouldn't** make me think that he would sleep with you at every opportunity he gets? Edward won't do the dishes. Edward is in a bad mood. Edward lost his temper with me. Based on everything you've both told me, the moral of your story is: come hell or high water you two will find any excuse to still fuck each other, regardless of anyone around you. That's crude, but I'm talking bare bones. The way you both tell it, it's habitual. So. Why don't **you** tell **me**, Alice. Why **do** I think that Jasper would still want to sleep with you?"

He stopped pacing, and stood right in front of me. I didn't look up.

"How dare you," I murmured into my knees, partly to myself, partly to him, still curled up in my fetal position on the chair.

He didn't move or react.

I looked up at him through stinging tears, knowing full well my face was streaked and blotchy and radiating hysteria, but I didn't care.

"How...fucking...dare...you." The look on his face seemed like disgust to me. I couldn't tell through the tears, to be honest. But just the fact that he was looking at me at all...I couldn't take it.

Something in me snapped.

I flew out of my chair and ran at him, my head down, shoulder raised, and tackled him into the coffee table. I heard a crack as the table snapped and collapsed under him. I heard him grunt as he hit the ground...but I didn't hear it, not really. All I heard was the roaring in my head, and everything else was just static. As I pulled myself together all I saw were his eyes, now wide and staring right inside me, like two huge wells. He had done this. He made me feel like this. He can go to fucking hell and stay there. I sat up and slapped him across the face, and then I stood up.

I didn't even feel any pain. Just anger.

I stood over him, staring down into his horror-struck face and then I covered my face with my hands, trying to wipe away these horrible painful tears that were stinging my eyes. I looked back down at him, then I bent over and screamed into his face, "FUCK YOU, EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!

I turned and ran to the back door, outside to get some air. I fell to my knees on the back lawn and howled. I cried and I cried and I cried, until all that was left was silent sobs, racking my chest as I closed my eyes and wished that I could be anywhere else but here.

Eventually the wave passed. I don't know how long I cried for...my head felt light, and my chest hurt.

I sat on the lawn, my knees up to my chin, and stared at the blue sky. I wondered if anything that Edward had said to me was true. It didn't sound true. I don't control Jasper. Jasper's not a puppet. Are we living in a fairytale? Is our relationship designed to hurt anyone who really does fall in love with one of us? I couldn't believe that was true. But no-one had ever gotten close enough to Jasper...to me...to ever make any kind of observation about our relation. To be completely honest, our relationship had pretty much existed in a vaccuum. So as out of line as Edward was to use those standover tactics on me in my own home, as arrogant and hurtful though he may be...maybe it hurt this much because he was right.

Fuck. That was a conversation I definitely didn't want to have. Ugh. The thought of even giving him the satisfaction?

No thank you.

Which reminded me. Last I saw Mr Cullen, he was spreadeagled on a broken coffee table in the middle of my living room...after...hmm...yeah...after getting taken down by a GIRL. I'll have to remember to thank Jasper for that move. I actually surprised myself. All those football preseasons making me be his tackle dummy, who knew that I may have actually learned something! The tackler becomes the tacklee. Mwahahah.

Yeesh. Like as not, I probably should see if Edward's okay. We fell pretty hard. He could be impaled on a coffee table leg, dead as a doornail. Let's not get our hopes up. I stood up and turned to go inside just as Edward was stepping out the back door, somewhat gingerly.

I regarded him cautiously. "I was just coming to see if I should call an ambulance."

He ran a hand over the back of his head and stared off in the other direction. "Nope. You'll need a new coffee table though."

I shrugged. "Or I could just go without one. Who knows who else I'll need to tackle." I don't know why I felt the need to joke. I shouldn't be trying to make this okay. I should punch him in the face just for good measure. But he looked beaten down, and well...I'd pretty much used up whatever fight I had in me. He seemed to make it disappear as quickly as it had arrived.

He ignored my failed attempt at humor and looked around the backyard. "Do you mind if I smoke out here? I really need a cigarette."

"Oh no problem. There's an ashtray behind that potted palm." I pointed at the giant potted palm by the back door.

He looked at me quizzically as he reached behind the palm and retrieved the ashtray.

"I'm undercover as a non-smoker." I smiled pathetically.

He nodded as he patted down his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter. He pulled a flattened pack of cigarettes from inside of his jacket and regarded them balefully. He sighed. "Collateral damage, I guess." He fished out a misshapen cigarette and lit it with the Zippo from his jeans pocket. He offered me the mutant cigarette pack.

"A victory cigarette for the winner and still champion," he said sarcastically around the cig in his mouth.

I sheepishly took a cigarette and the Zippo from him and lit up. I handed the Zippo back, then inhaled and closed my eyes. As I sucked that sweet nicotine deep into my lungs, a song popped into my head. I let the song play through the stereo in my brain as I sucked on my cigarette, thinking about the song, thinking about my fucked up life, these fucked up men, as I stood in the back yard in the mid-afternoon sun with Edward Cullen, wondering what the hell would happen next.

_Well we know where we're goin'__  
But we don't know where we've been  
And we know what we're knowin'  
But we can't say what we've seen  
And we're not little children  
And we know what we want  
And the future is certain  
Give us time to work it out_

_We're on a road to nowhere  
Come on inside_

_Takin' that ride to nowhere  
We'll take that ride_

_I'm feelin' okay this mornin'  
And you know,  
We're on the road to paradise  
Here we go, here we go_

_Maybe you wonder where you are  
I don't care_

_Here is where time is on our side  
Take you there...take you there_

_We're on a road to nowhere__  
We're on a road to nowhere  
We're on a road to nowhere_

_There's a city in my mind  
Come along and take that ride  
and it's all right, baby, it's all right_

_And it's very far away  
But it's growing day by day  
And it's all right, baby, it's all right_

_They can tell you what to do__  
But they'll make a fool of you  
And it's all right, baby, it's all right_

_We're on a road to nowhere_

[lyrics copyright Talking Heads – 'Road To Nowhere', Little Creatures 1986]


	18. Chapter 18

**[Okay first off, thank you for the flood of glowing reviews. I love that you all are digging this story so much, it means a lot to me. I know I don't always say that, and I don't always say 'Please review my story', but honestly my limit for flattery knows no bounds. However, my self-loathing is pretty limitless too so I won't say no to criticism either. It's all good. I'm okay if it's not always ponies and rainbows :) This week on Young and the Angstridden: Edward Cullen: major douchebag or general asshole? What's his deal? Will he ever unbreak poor little Alice's heart? (omg, Toni Braxton references now. I'm seriously losing it.) Fig****ured it was about time to get to know Edward a little better, so POV is Edward's this time out. I think you'll find it revealing...]**

**Oops!! Almost forgot: thanks to the lovely Leesha, there's now a thread for P&D over on Twilighted if you want to check it out. Psst: CHECK IT OUT]  
**

**Chapter 18 – When U Were Mine**

{Edward's POV}

I drew one final puff from my cigarette and butted it out in Alice's 'undercover' ashtray. Alice was still lingering over her own cigarette in pensive silence, seemingly miles away from anywhere.

I wandered out onto the lawn and began the arduous task of gathering my thoughts. My first thought was that I had screwed this up **royally**. Why did I have to be such a fucking prick to everyone lately? Gah.

I looked up at the afternoon sky for answers, an epiphany...a spaceship to abduct me.

Nothing. Not even a light breeze.

I turned to watch Alice finishing her cigarette. As I watched her I hated myself even more. Despite hardly knowing the girl, I seemed to have no problem standing in her living room and unloading my incredibly self-righteous sermon onto her. God. I couldn't even think back on it without cringing at how relentless I was with her. What's worse is I had scolded Jasper for doing **exactly** the same thing to me yesterday. Hypocrite. What an absolute hypocrite I was. Just pushing, pushing pushing, waving her failures in her face until she was so cornered and beaten down that she didn't have any choice but to react. I saw it happening! I saw her discomfort. Did it stop me? Of course not.

Gah! Why did I let things get so fucking pear-shaped? I should know better. I should have more self-control. How the fuck did I let this get so out of hand? Could I just once set my stupid feelings aside and be civil to one fucking person?

I was a prize asshole to Alice from the moment I walked in the door. I know it. Avoiding the handshake was the start of it, and I set my own tone from there. I'm still surprised that she blocked the door when I tried to leave. If it'd been me I'd have held the door open and given myself an encouraging kick in the ass. Hindsight's 20/20 though, and well...Agh!

You know what? Fuck me and my delayed guilt. That doesn't change what I did. Why bother feeling guilty now? Oh, I know. To glory in self-punishment as per fucking usual.

Guilt? Really? I'd gone in there stewing like a pressure cooker over Jasper, determined to prove that his whole idea was completely and utterly pointless, a waste of time. I let all my jealousy and distrust for Alice boil to the surface, and in doing so had decided how it was going to end before I even got out of the car. I mean, sure, I didn't **plan** for Alice to tackle me onto a coffee table, but my plan hadn't involved leaving there as friends either. My stupid, selfish, spiteful, humiliated-self wanted to teach Jasper a lesson. But since Jasper wasn't there...Alice was the next best thing. And what did I care. I didn't like her anyway, right? Guilt. What an asshole.

GOD I'm pathetic.

I had been pissed at Jasper for shipping our problems onto Alice like she was a goddamn marriage counselor. I felt betrayed, like he'd given up on me, that he didn't even **want** to understand me. I know I'd been pushing him away whenever the subject of Alice came up...but it infuriated me that after all of the soul-baring that I had done with him at the cabin, after I had laid myself completely bare for him, down to the very marrow of my emotions...after all of that, he would still perpetually, incessantly ask why I had such difficulties with his relationship with Alice. Why was I so angry? Why wouldn't I talk about it? Why wouldn't I trust him? Why why why? And I just wanted to scream at him MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED TALKING FOR A MOMENT AND ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, YOU COULD ANSWER YOUR OWN QUESTION! It didn't help that he brought up her name whenever we were in bed. Maybe that was a coincidence, maybe I was just overly sensitive. Of course I was jealous. How could I not be. I sure as hell wasn't prepared to share Jasper when I signed on for all of this. But still. Leeway was not my strong point. Usually it was my way/highway. End of story.

But it was more than Alice. Jasper just seemed to habitually talk his way through his emotions...he could even invent new ones as he was talking. He expected me to do the same. But I had never had an Alice, or even a close friend. Ever. Since my parents, I had only had myself, and my thoughts. Talking about myself, talking about my feelings out loud was completely new to me. I was glad to lay myself bare at first...carrying everything with me for so long, it was wonderful to unburden myself. But it also left me feeling exposed, unprotected. And I wasn't at all prepared for the expectation that I would happily do that all the time, that I would excavate my feelings in exchange for conversation. I thought sharing myself as much as I had done would have been enough for us to build a foundation on, that the rest of the 'getting to know you', the exploration of all my other feelings about, well, everything, would come slowly, organically. But I was naïve, and the level of expectation from Jasper, as to my ability to talk about myself and my feelings...it honestly frightened me. So I shut myself off out of spite and sheer stubbornness, and fear. I see now it was the wrong way. Which is just lovely... now that I've screwed everything up with me, with Jasper, with poor Alice.

My instincts have thus far been honed for my...well, for my survival. But the bare fact of the matter is that I'm not alone anymore. I don't need to be armed to the teeth, nor clad head to foot in a heavy suit of armor. The suit of armor is all very well for keeping the bad stuff out...but the problem I see now is that the suit of armor prevents the good stuff from getting in. The good stuff either gets scared away or just gives up on me altogether. The armor's got to go.

I hadn't been honest with myself. Or Jasper. Or Alice. Well. I was pretty fucking honest with Alice but not about **myself**. Which I now realized is not the same thing. At all. I needed to be honest about myself, with Alice, and then with Jasper. If I did that, then I could be honest with them without doors slamming in my face or being assaulted. (The pattern had not escaped my notice.)

It was time to stop pushing people away from me.

I noticed that Alice was stubbing out her cigarette, so I cleared my throat to try to catch her attention.

"Alice?"

She turned and raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement.

I walked back towards her, fussing with my hair as I went. Blasted hands. They have a mind of their own when I'm nervous. I must look like a demented mime. I shoved my hands in my pockets and stopped in front of her, and drew a heavy sigh for strength.

"I've been thinking. I owe you an apology."

Alice looked hesitant.

"Okayyyy....?" she replied, quizzically. She probably thought it was a trick. I could see I had a lot of explaining to do.

I took another deep breath. My hands freed themselves from my pockets and flapped nervously about my person as per usual. I guess there was no controlling it. Oh well. I had bigger fish to fry. "I acted like a complete asshole in there. I deserved everything you gave me, and I feel terrible for behaving so disrespectfully towards you. And. Um. I'm sorry."

Alice looked like she had swallowed an insect.

I frowned at my shoes, then looked back at her. "I know. You were convinced that I was a total prick. An apology was the absolute last thing you thought you'd ever hear out of my arrogant, hateful mouth. After the way I acted, I can't blame you."

Alice still stared, dumbstruck. I figured I'd keep explaining until she regained the power of speech. I fought the urge to walk away, and dug deep. This was important. I had to make her see that I was sincere.

"I was angry at Jasper, and I was harboring a lot of ill-feeling towards you. I took that out on you from the moment I walked in the door. It was unfair of me to put that on you, to leave you so exposed just to get myself off the hook. We hardly know each other, and given that we both share similar feelings for Jasper, I owe you more than that." I scratched at my head and fought against the nerves ravaging my stomach. Don't quit yet. I sighed. "I've lived a long time on my own, and as a result I'm terribly, terribly selfish at heart, and well...excuses don't mean anything, but I went through a lot before Jasper, and it left me determined to protect myself at all costs. I saw that the level of my self-preservation was somewhat problematic when I got involved with Jasper, but I was too stubborn to do anything about it. I figured it'd soften with time. But obviously I was pretty fucking wrong on that count." I frowned at my own stupidity. "It's bad enough that I would hurt someone I care about, that I would push Jasper away enough to drive him to do this on my behalf, but it's far worse that I would lash out at you. I behaved unforgivably towards you, and I am truly sorry."

I glanced at Alice. She was staring at me with soft eyes, a look of subtle amazement on her face. I looked away, squinting at the sky, embarrassed by the sentimentality of the moment.

Alice spoke in a gentle voice. "Apology accepted, Edward. You know, I really didn't want to hate you. You have no idea how happy I am to see that there's a sweet, gooey center somewhere in there. I was afraid that you were going to be douchebag all the way through." She beamed at me. I regarded her for a moment.

She was quite something, Alice. Far from a prisoner of her emotions like me, she could rise above a mess like this with maturity and humor, no sign of a grudge, no clenched fists or concealed weapons. I was quietly impressed. I was beginning to see what Jasper had intended with all of this.

Alice walked toward me and extended her hand, still smiling.

"I think I let you get off too easily with your little evasive maneuver on my handshake last time. Wanna try again?" She raised an eyebrow. "Promise I won't flip you."

I laughed in spite of myself and extended my hand, clasping her tiny soft hand in mine for a heartfelt greeting. I put my other hand gently on her shoulder and looked down at her. "Nice to meet you."

She beamed up at me and said somewhat dreamily, "The pleasure's all mine, Edward Cullen."

I was glad for the second chance. I had no real indication of how my apology would go over with her, and I was more than pleased that I had at least managed to get through it without her punching me in the face or running away sobbing. The handshake boded well.

We smiled at each other, and then Alice surprised me by reaching up and placing her free hand lightly against my cheek, as she stared up at me with those stormy pools of grey. She wasn't staring at me so much as **into** me, like she was reading my thoughts, or divining the future. I felt...connected.

That was the first time that we truly saw each other.

_Edward... meet Alice. _

I slowly realized, to my shock, that I wanted to hug her? Hug. Alic.e Which was of course a completely ridiculous notion. Edward Cullen does not hug his boyfriend's ex-girlfriend...who he has recently humiliated, who has recently assaulted him. A hug would be...presumptuous. And glib. Crass, at the very least. Surely. Wouldn't it? But looking at her now, she was so open. Uninhibited. It was me working against her, not her against me. And god knows I've already proved that my so called 'instincts' were dismally counter-intuitive. At worst she'd shove me away, and compared to her earlier full-body tackle, such fleeting contact would be a blessing. Nope. It was time to turn over a new leaf.

Summoning up all of my inner fortitude, praying to any available god that would hear me, I nervously, gently coaxed Alice toward me, folding my arms around her shoulders carefully to avoid suffocating her tiny frame. To my surprise, there was no sign of resistance. Alice melted into the hug almost immediately and, more surprising still, buried her face deep into my chest.

It seemed like an odd change of character. I had at least expected a questioning look, or a 'What are you doing'...I hoped she wasn't lapsing into some kind of stealth mode. Worse, I hoped she hadn't gone in the complete opposite direction and wasn't misinterpreting my actions. God. Why is human interaction so fucking complicated for me? Surely it's not this hard for others.

From somewhere deep in my chest, Alice suddenly sighed. Quietly, contentedly. The sound allowed the now giant zeppelin of worry hanging over my head to suddenly, and rather quickly deflate. It was impossible to be self-conscious when someone, anyone makes that sound in such proximity to you. In fact, I found it...well...kind of gratifying. So much so that I even tilted my head back and closed my eyes, letting the sun's warmth bathe my face. I actually allowed myself to enjoy the closeness of Alice. It was...nice.

The healing power of human touch. I'd always read about it, but I thought it was a cliché, a trope for self-help peddlers and the like. Turns out I was wrong. It was like a reminder of being alive. A reassurance that I was not alone in the world. Since the death of my parents, I hadn't known this kind of platonic closeness and as I stood there hugging Alice, I felt like a large hole inside me was slowly being filled. The hug felt, well, good. At least for the moment, I could enjoy the brief sensation of finally being right about something.

I don't know how long we stood like that before I realized Alice was weeping. I panicked. In my mind's eye I could see that giant zeppelin of worry inflating yet again.

I lowered my head to hers, my heart pounding. "Alice?"

She turned her head away from my chest and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand. She didn't look at me. "I'm sorry. Hahah. [Sniff]. It's been an emotional couple of months. I haven't had a good hug in a while...I guess it all just kind of flooded out of me. Yikes." She sniffed again, then laughed.

I smiled. Zeppelin be gone. My heart rate returned to normal, and I cursed myself for being so self-involved. "Flood away. I'm not going anywhere. Just warn me if the desire to tackle becomes overwhelming."

She giggled for a moment then fell silent once more.

We stood, hugging for what seemed like a very long time. I actually experienced relaxation, for the first time in a long time. Maybe ever. I'd been wound up like a clock spring for so long I don't think I even knew the meaning of 'unwind'. I could do with more moments like this. I'm sure everyone around me could too.

Eventually Alice stirred and stepped out of the hug and looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes.

"That was lovely...and unexpected. Thank you, Edward."

"No, thank you. I haven't done that in a long time"

Alice beamed. "Nothing like a hug when you really need one, huh?" She bent down and began patting the grass beside her, motioning for me to sit down. She plonked down cross-legged with the greatest of ease, and looked up at me expectantly. I lowered myself slowly, extremely gingerly, suddenly reacquainting myself with all of the painful areas of my body. Alice must have seen me wince.

"Oooh ow! Are you in a lot of pain?"

I eyed her half-mockingly. "Why? Gloating?" I smiled quickly to let her know I was kidding. "Yeah, I'm a little tender. I'll be okay. It's humbling. More effective than self-flagellation for my arrogant tendencies."

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Whatever you're into, I guess."

I realized the double-meaning at once and ducked my head to hide my embarrassment, hunting for my cigarettes instead. Hugs aside, I did not want to begin some kind of crude flirtation with Alice. I offered a cigarette to Alice and she took it. All of a sudden she jumped into the air and scrambled off on all fours like a crazed land crab to retrieve the ashtray. She stood and called out to me from the back door, "Want another beer?"

I flashed her a thumbs up and lit my cigarette. Alice came hurrying back with 2 beers in her hand, the ashtray wedged under her armpit (spilled cigarette butts by the back door), cigarette dangling from her lips. I lit the cigarette for her as I tried to stifle a grin at her awkward yet enthusiastic interpretation of multi-tasking. Alice opened the beers.

"I swear I'm not an alcoholic," she said, handing me a beer. "It just makes awkward situations a little less awkward, you know?" She sipped at her beer, then looked at me, and then glanced back in the direction of the house. "Well. Usually," she said with a wry smile.

We both laughed.

We smoked and drank our beers on the back lawn for a while, settling into the relaxed groove of the afternoon that our impromptu reconciliation had provided. Suddenly Alice exhaled a puff of cigarette smoke rather loudly, and then tapped my leg with her beer bottle.

"Hey. Can I ask you something?" she took another drag on the cigarette.

"Sure."

Alice looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. " When we were talking in the living room, when I asked you about me and Jasper, you said something weird. I just remembered it."

My stomach fell. I knew exactly where this was headed.

She pondered her cigarette, scrinching up her face trying to recall the details. "Yeah...You were talking about Jasper and I, and you started to say, 'I saw -'...and then you got all mad at yourself and started over. What was that? It sounded kind of like you knew more about us than you were saying." She shrugged and looked at me. "Maybe I imagined it. But it was kind of weird."

I drew back heavily on my cigarette and pushed my hand through my hair.

_New leaf, Edward, remember?_

**[I know how much you all hate cliffhangers, but if I gave you everything now you'd never come back! I'm not going on hiatus any time soon so there'll be no obscene turnaround time here. Gotta give you all a reason to keep coming back, don't I? But I pinkie-swear promise that it'll be worth the short wait.]**


	19. Chapter 19

**[See. Told you I'd be back! Thanks again for all the great reviews! I'm especially thrilled that Edward and Alice's hug went over so well with you all...that was quite a leap for me, I'm relieved to have pulled it off. I trust you'll continue your support of Edward and Alice's reconciliation with a little more of their angsting and honesty. There's still a bit more dredging to go on, but Edward will return to Jasper quite soon I promise, new leaf firmly in tact. Oh..I tacked this on after the fact with my last update but I'm sure a lot of you missed it: there is now a P&D forum over on Twilighted for all of your Jasper/Edward questions, answers, fantasies and observations. Without further ado, away we go...]**

_Chapter 19 – Stripped_

I exhaled, letting out a sigh of frustration. Fuck. Was this humiliation ever going to end? I wished now that Alice had just kicked me out of her house when she had the chance. No point whining now though. I'd dug this hole all by myself. All I could do is hope to handle this with a little more aplomb than my earlier debut. Ernest Hemingway once said that courage is grace under pressure. Time to test that theory.

I glanced at Alice, who was patiently waiting for me to explain myself.

"You're half right. The 'I saw' that you're asking about, to be honest, referred to..." I stopped. Calm. Try again. I frowned. "When Jasper and I...first met...he wasn't a stranger to me. I've known about Jasper for some time." Alice raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. I shook my head. "That sounds creepy. Trust me. It was nothing creepy or stalker-like. At least...I don't think so. I was just...admiring from afar, I guess you could say." Alice's eyebrow stayed raised. "Well...okay, it is a little weird. But..." I sighed, shoulders sagging. "This is all backwards. I haven't told Jasper **any **of this. Though I'm sure that's next." I paused for a moment, then put that image out of my mind. That way lies madness. I looked at Alice.

She was still watching me expectantly, waiting for me to explain to her how I wasn't really a stalker. I pulled on my cigarette again and tried to suppress my frustration. God this was humiliating.

How on earth did I get myself into this? I sighed.

"Very first day of college, I was wandering through the cafeteria, not really paying attention, just trying to find my way around the place. Somehow I managed to walk straight into Jasper, who was walking in the opposite direction. He had been calling out to someone over his shoulder, not really paying attention to where he was going either. Anyway, we bumped shoulders hard enough to throw each other off balance. He kind of assumed that it was his fault and put his hand on my shoulder, somewhat apologetically, gave me a big smile and a quick "Sorry, bro" ...and kept on walking."

I plucked at a blade of grass.

"This will sound stupid. But even though it was a chance encounter, I couldn't get his face out of my mind for the rest of the day." I looked over at Alice and smiled shyly in spite of myself. "He's got quite a smile..."

Alice nodded seriously, then smiled knowingly. "Indeed he does."

I continued. "I saw him the following day playing touch football on the lawn between the Science building and the library. I was wandering past in my still-slightly-confused state, trying to figure out where everything was, and Jasper goes flying past me, football in hand, HUGE grin on his face, and a herd of guys stampeding behind him. Something about his abandon, the look on his face, I don't know. I hung back, you know, out of the way, and watched the rest of the game unnoticed. I don't know why. I just, I don't know." I shook my head at the memory.

Alice smiled. "His enthusiasm is definitely infectious. He could power a small town when he's happy. No doubt about it."

I nodded in agreement and drew on my cigarette again. "Maybe that was it. But over the next couple of weeks, every day or so, I'd see him. Walking to class, eating lunch, whatever...and I began finding reasons to linger, to make those moments last as long as possible. Eventually it got to where I planned to be in certain locations just so I could see him, even for a moment. It just made my day better, seeing him." I plucked at another handful of grass. "It didn't start out as a crush. It was more like...anthropology." Alice gave me a disbelieving look. I ignored it. "Here was an interesting, obviously popular, well-rounded guy...was he always that way? Was he ever alone? How did he interact with people? Honestly...I had little to no social skills, no friends, no real reason to be on campus...I was curious how it was done." Alice still looked skeptical, one eyebrow raised and a half-smile playing on her lips. I smiled ruefully. "Okay. It was hardly scientific...he was just nice to watch." I shrugged resignedly.

"So I started smoking in the quad when I knew he'd be walking to class. Or, in the summer, I'd read a book in the corner of the courtyard where he ate his lunch. Or find a quiet vantage point in the cafeteria. I never went to his classes. That was a little too dangerous for me. Too much of a chance that we'd meet, or that he'd notice me and ask questions. I didn't want to interact with him. At all. Not then."

Alice looked puzzled. "Why?"

"I didn't want him to notice me. I mean, I wasn't even enrolled in college. The last thing I was looking for was to draw attention, from him or anyone."

She was more puzzled now. "Huh?"

I sighed, realising Alice didn't know as much of my backstory as Jasper. "It's a long story. I didn't finish high school and didn't have a way to get into college even if I wanted to take the normal route. But I wanted to go to college anyway, so I just sort of showed up there. You know. Hung out in the library or the occasional lecture, and kind of taught myself. Stayed under the radar. Long story short: I didn't have anything better to do."

She still looked confused, but seemed okay with the explanation. "Okay. But why didn't you want to try to talk to Jasper?"

"Because I knew there was no future in it. I knew Jasper was straight, kind of a jock, fairly popular on campus...honestly, this was someone who had no reason to talk to me. Talking to him would just end in disappointment or humiliation, or both. My way was safe. I was happy to keep him just as a guilty secret."

I realized I'd finished my cigarette, and decided there's no way I could continue without something to occupy my hands, so I fished out another and lit it, chain smoker style. I inhaled, and continued this seemingly neverending, humiliating chore.

"But over time I got to know him. In that way it was definitely anthropological. Study his interactions, his moods...I learned a lot." Alice gave me a wary look. I nodded. "I saw that you and Jasper ate lunch together a lot at the beginning of the year. You know, I will say that I enjoyed watching you two together. I could see that you had a strong connection. I mean.. it's probably painful to say it now, but you seemed like a happily-married couple back then, you were so comfortable together." Alice looked away and studied her beer bottle. I felt bad saying it, but it was true. It wasn't going to get any easier, either. I promised myself to tread carefully.

"I started to see less of you after a few months, until you stopped lunching together completely. During that time, when you weren't around, he seemed more distracted socially, more focused on his studies. He spent a lot of time at the library, especially nights. Then there slowly began to be other girls, occasionally, walking with him to class or eating lunch with him. It wasn't a parade of girls, but after a while it seemed like he couldn't go for long without some kind of female company." Alice nodded ruefully. "But compared to what I had seen of him with you, he was definitely trying harder in his interactions with them, to win their attentions, but at the same time, he seemed much more distant. I don't know how that could be, but that's what I saw. After a few more months, I saw that you started lunching with him again, every now and then. And even though it was apparent to me that you weren't dating, you were very demonstrative with him. And him with you. He seemed happy in those moments. But he was increasingly more distant when they were over."

Alice was still studying her beer bottle, plucking at the damp label with a fingernail. She looked over at me when I stopped talking. I read her face as best I could, and saw that she was struggling to maintain a calmness. I met her gaze.

"I can stop. I don't have to take you through all of this again if you don't want. I just wanted to try and explain myself a little better, to take the sting out of what I said earlier."

Alice nodded. " I understand. It's okay, you can keep going. It's just weird to hear it all from a different angle. I think what you were saying before has sunk in a little, but it'll help to hear it again, you know, differently, this time around."

I nodded and dragged on my cigarette, and then realized I hadn't even touched my beer. I took a swig.

"So even before I encountered Jasper face to face, I had been forming my own impressions of him. And I guess as an offshoot of that, I'd been forming my own impressions of you as well, of your relationship. It wasn't necessarily weighted good or bad, it was just observation at that point. I had some feelings for Jasper sure, and I'll admit that I was in total denial on that front, but at that point, I wasn't making any kind of value judgments about the two of you. I was just the, um, impartial observer. Spying on your lunches."

She smiled at me and shook her head in wonder. "I can't believe you were watching him all that time." She took a drag of her cigarette, and then looked at me quietly for a moment. Suddenly her eyes grew wide and she threw her head back and laughed out loud.

I felt a little affronted. I hope she's not laughing at me. Surely she could tell how humiliated I was by all of this.

She better **not** be laughing at me...

Alice wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and then patted me on the leg. "I'm sorry, Edward, but I just remembered something." She paused and took a swig of her beer. " 'King of the Campus Cockblock'. That's what Jasper used to say when your name came up. He complained about you ALL the time!"

I was horror-stricken. What? He knew about me? What the fuck was she talking about?

Alice must have seen the look of panic on my face. She patted me on the leg again. "No, no...don't worry. It's not what you think. Trust me, I think you'll find this a little funny yourself." She dragged on her cigarette. "Whenever he was with a girl, whether it was eating lunch or walking with her, if they happened to catch so much as a glimpse of you, they'd lose all concentration on HIM and start mooning over YOU. Oh he HATED it. HATED it. And to find out now that it wasn't a coincidence, that you were deliberately near him pretty much all the time, to look at HIM? Don't you think that's hysterical? Talk about irony!"

Alice doubled over laughing, smacking me on the leg as she did. I started to chuckle to myself. I guess it was kind of funny.

Alice sat up and nudged me with her elbow.

"And just to even things out, I'll make a humiliating confession to you. I got just as distracted by you as the other girls did! Whenever I saw you I'd Jasper on the shoulder, or nudge him in the ribs and say 'Ooh look, there's Edward'. It made him SO mad. But my mind would go just as blank as the other girls. I just covered it up better." She gave me a sidelong glance. "Asshole or not, you have to admit, you are kind of a fox, Edward. You know that, right?" She grinned and clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, making a 'giddyup' noise.

I wanted to die on the spot. **This** was worse than any of today's myriad humiliations.

I frowned and finished my cigarette. "Sure."

Alice laughed gaily and then looked at me incredulously. "Edward Cullen! You mean to say you're walking around in this hand-crafted work of art and you don't even know what you've got? Oh. My. God." She shook her head in mock amazement. "You really are the most fascinating creature! You're telling me you don't notice women...men...staring at you as you walk past? I mean the girls I know? They practically fall into a faint if you come within 10 feet of them!"

I shot her an angry look. "What am I, the Queen? How vain do you think I am? Who looks at anyone when they're walking around? I watch where I'm going. I barely make eye contact. God..." I drank some more of my beer. "You're being ridiculous." I turned away in a mock huff, mostly to hide my embarrassment.

Alice took on a teasing tone. "Tsk. Tsk. Edward, Edward, Edward. What are we going to do with you?" She shoved me playfully. "I guess it's just as well you have no idea how ridiculously hot you are. Otherwise Jasper wouldn't be able to keep his hands on you. You'd be catting around all over town!"

She elbowed me in the ribs, and then gave an impatient sigh when I refused to acknowledge her.

"Relax, Edward," she said huffily. "I was joking. I'm sorry I embarrassed you." She paused for a moment. "Now would you turn that handsome face of yours back to me so I can have some nice dreams tonight?"

I spun around angrily. "Would you knock it off?," I growled at her.

Alice grinned sweetly. "Hahah. Just teasing." She patted my shoulder. "But it really is a lovely face."

I harrumphed at her, and shrugged her off. She laughed, and then turned to me.

"So how long, exactly, were you...staking him...us...out for?"

I looked at her evenly. "The entire first year. And most of this year too. Up until Jasper and I happened to actually meet."

Alice shook her head.

"The thing is Alice, after I'd observed you two at lunch, or Jasper with whichever girl...I was naïve enough to think that Jasper was, well, somewhat single. I understood friendship between men and women. I understood dating. I understood casual sex. But casual sex between friends who had been dating, but who were also seeing other people? That was completely alien to me. And so based on what I observed, I concluded that the two of you were close friends. Which is part of why I was so awful to you earlier." I looked at Alice. "Did Jasper tell you how we ended up at my parents cabin after our first... well... meeting? To air everything out?"

Alice nodded. "Sort of. He didn't go into details. He just said that it was intense."

"That it was. You see, that's when Jasper told me about going over to your place. That some shit had happened with his 'girlfriend' because of the two of us."

Alice looked at me with surprise. "Girlfriend? He said that?"

"Yeah." I paused and looked back at Alice. "You know, I didn't even think about his choice of words til now. That's interesting." We looked at each other, both of us wondering now just how 'okay' Jasper was with their open relationship. I shrugged, and we smiled at each other a little more knowingly. That was a conversation for another time. I figured I could leave that mystery up to Alice to solve.

"Anyway. Until that moment at the cabin, I had thought Jasper was basically single. Give or take the fact that the man practically swarmed with women like a human beehive, for the most part he still appeared to me to be, well, alone, amonst all of that. You were a good friend.

"But when he said 'girlfriend', I knew right away that he was talking about you...and I snapped. I was angry at myself for not knowing, and I was humiliated. Everything that had happened with Jasper up to that point had been completely out of character for me...I had never behaved that way before. Ever. Never had I been so reckless with another person. But my assumption that you two were no longer involved was that anchor that reassured me this wasn't as bad as it seemed. When I didn't even have that, I kind of lost it.

"Truthfully, I was scared. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I didn't want anyone else's life to get tangled up in what I knew was a pretty complicated situation already for both of us. Just...The thought that you two were still involved, it left me reeling, and left me with a whole new set of unknowns that I had thought I wouldn't have to consider. It just felt like the world was upside down, you know?" Alice nodded.

"As the days went by, as we got closer, as he talked more and more about you, I got a very different picture of your relationship than the one I had originally formed. One that I wasn't entirely comfortable with, for reasons that I didn't feel I could say out loud to Jasper. I thought maybe he just had a rosier view of things, that maybe it wasn't really the way he was describing it. Plus I could tell how much you meant to him, and I knew that trying to question the relationship would end badly. It seemed easier to squash my feelings for the most part, and just keep quiet. Reading between the lines of Jasper's stories, I began to form my own theories about the relationship. So when I showed up to your house today, I knew that I had to hear your version to really know for sure what I was dealing with. What came out of your mouth pretty much confirmed my theories, and I saw that Jasper wasn't making any of it up. If anything, I saw things even more clearly coming from you. And I just...I felt so vindicated that I couldn't let it go. I had to make you see what I was seeing. The intensity of my feelings got beyond my control. I fucked that part up."

I dug my fingers into the grass and frowned at myself. Then I looked over at Alice.

Alice shook her head. "No. You didn't fuck it up. I mean, it hurt...to hear it put so bluntly...but honestly, thinking about it now, I don't know if I would have listened otherwise. Not that I'd recommend that approach...I mean the end result was pretty fucking ugly, and it was something I'd rather not relive... but, hearing your side of things, laid out in that unrelenting way, well...afterwards it made me think that maybe this is what needed to happen. Maybe this is what I needed to hear."

I was surprised. I hadn't really thought that Alice would see my side so quickly...or at all. Then again, as I'd noticed earlier, Alice herself was something of a surprise. The more I knew of her, the more surprises she had in store.

Alice continued talking, almost stream of consciousness now, as though something insider her had been unlocked.

"Jasper and I were so tightly bound that we never saw a downside, and I can honestly say that until today, I hadn't really thought that there **was** a downside. No-one has ever told said anything like that about either of us, or both of us, because no-one ever really got close enough to see it. Or bothered to sit back and look at it the way you did. I mean, girls would get jealous but they were never around long enough to analyse us. And even if they had tried, I'm not really sure that we would have listened. We would have just cut them out, because it would have been proof that they didnt' understand, that we didn't need them." Alice stared at the ground, dragging her fingers back and forth through the grass as she spoke. Her voice was quiet, her tone resigned. She smiled at me for a moment. "We were like our own mini cult. We just worshipped each other, instead of someone else."

"With Jasper, even when there was someone else, I always knew that I came first. Not out of arrogance, just...I don't know...out of habit? It had never **not **been that way, I guess. That was how it was from the moment we met in high school. He saved me. He taught me that I could let go and love someone entirely and not get burned for it. I mean, you've heard both of us say that we've been through a lot, and I know you're tired of hearing it...but Edward, it's the truth. I don't know if I'd be here without him." Her voice broke, and she stopped. She was quiet for some time, then she sighed, and looked over at me.

"When Jasper came clean about everything last weekend, I let him know I was angry at him...but I also held back. I avoided any kind of reaction to you, you know...the fact of him and you together. I just didn't go there. I couldn't. I knew if I did I'd just become a hysterical mess, and I couldn't do it...I had to think it through, I couldn't let it be that visceral. I put it on him for hiding you from me, for thinking we could be together when all of that was going through his head, for not confiding me. But really, that was only part of it. Inside I was hurt that he used me as a fallback, and because that was the first time that I could remember he hadn't put me first. Remembering how angry he was that night, and then now understanding why, it made it worse. He couldn't get YOU out of his head. And I hated that I came off second best because of it. Hated it more than I could stand. I was so angry. But I kept trying to tell myself that it probably wasn't anything to worry about, that I couldn't show him that this hurt more than I was letting on, because I didn't want to lose him. When I went home afterwards, I cried and I screamed and I threw things...because this wasn't Jasper hooking up with another girl. This was a guy. And this was YOU. I only knew you to look at, but at the very least I knew that you were the hottest guy I'd ever laid eyes on."

I rolled my eyes at her.

Alice shot me an impatient look, and kept going. "Not that looks are the whole story, but...as far as I was concerned Jasper was straight. That he went that far with you in the bathroom had my brain working overtime. I'm not kidding when I say I was worried. It got real for me. See, Jasper might seem impulsive, but he only ever takes calculated risks. Even the craziest things he's ever done, he's thought long and hard about beforehand, no exceptions. It's not like he's reckless. And I **knew** that he wouldn't do anything with you if he didn't want to. I knew full well that he'd thought this through, and that I couldn't just casually blow it off. I couldn't let it go. But I'm also pretty good at self-delusion, and for my own sanity, eventually I ended up telling myself that it was experimentation, that it couldn't possibly last. Just buried the whole thing, put it down to my imagination and another one of his 'side projects'. I'm not saying I didn't know better, it was just easier to believe my made-up scenario than even try to deal with what might have been the truth." She smiled wryly to herself.

Alice looked at me. "When Jasper called me up the other day and told me you were having issues with me, I guess I felt a little more sure of myself, I felt like I had a way in. Aside from the fact that Jasper still needed me, which felt good after everything I'd already been through (with him and in my own head), I guess I felt like I was back on familiar territory." I gave her a questioning look.

Alice shrugged. "This had happened before with other girls that Jasper dated. Anyone that got close to Jasper always got a little suspicious of the two of us, but we'd always pull together and give them the chance to get to know me. Honestly, I think that's what Jasper thought was going to happen today. I know I thought the same thing." Her voice took on a slightly sarcastic tone. "I had it all figured out in my head. You'd see that I wasn't a threat, that I was friendly and serious and independent, and totally supportive of you and Jasper, and just such a great person there was no reason not to have me around." She shook her head. "That way I could still be close to Jasper, you wouldn't be jealous because you liked me now too, and if the shit ever hit the fan I'd be there to clean up after you. And it'd be Alice and Jasper again." She shook her head and gave me a a quick, somewhat panicked, apologetic look.

"I don't mean that I was ever jealous. It wasn't manipulated out of jealous, like 'He's mine'. I just always assumed that with each new person who walked into his life, that eventually they'd walk out again and I'd still be there. Because that's kind of how he wanted it. I couldn't be so bound to him that I couldn't breathe, I needed my space, that's what led me to let him go. I needed to find my independence. Well...that and I'd we went to a small school, and I'd never paid attention to the way girls looked at him until we got to college. I didn't want to hold him back from any of that, it felt cruel to make him stay with me. He was okay with the cooling off, he just needed me not to leave him. Anyone else, he expected them to walk away. So as long as I was always there at the end of the day, that was all that mattered. And I was happy with my independence, as long as there were still things that I could do for Jasper that no-one else could. It sounds ridiculous...I mean saying it out loud, we completely enabled each other... But it worked. That's just how it was."

Alice looked at me tearfully.

"So when you came over, I thought I knew what this was going to be. I didn't realise that you had my number already."

Alice shook her head in disbelief.

"I'm going to lose him, aren't I?"

I stared at her. After everything she'd told me, I honestly didn't know what to say.


	20. Chapter 20

**[I know... I always say I'm sorry...I always say it won't happen again...this is really quite a dysfunctional relationship I've created with you all, isn't it? Oy. One of my dearest friends is a devoted fanfic reader, and whenever I'm in a funk she reminds me offhandedly of how it is to wait for updates and never get them, especially when you love a story. Or to wait for an update and get the phoned-in version. I've been pretty crap at striking that balance...but my aim, beyond giving you all something to enjoy, is to serve the story. Of course my procrastinatory writing style is not ideal...but hopefully the fruit it bears means it's at least a little bit worth the wait. Right? Yikes. Um. That sounded pretty depressing. So to explain: that was me being guilt-ridden...having received nary a word of criticism from any of you, in fact not a one, I feel I owe it to you all to I beat myself up in your stead. But you're ever so welcome to join in at any time. Bouquets and brickbats welcome. Anyway. Thank you, devoted reviewers and readers for your patience and your praise...it definitely keeps my little engine chugging up the hill:)God, that was a really weird AN! And now, back to Jasper and Edward.]**

**Chapter 20: Deep In The Woods**

The unmistakable rumble of the Charger's engine told me that Edward was finally home.

I looked at the clock. 8pm.

I shook my head.

I had pictured him spending a few hours with Alice...not the entire afternoon and most of the evening. I guess it boded well that they'd hung out together for that long...but on the other hand, that was a long, LONG time together for two people who had never met before and more importantly, who only had ME in common. I half expected Edward and Alice to come bounding upstairs hand in hand with a shiny plan to make me a 'better' Jasper. Why did I even send Edward over there? What on earth made me think that they wouldn't spend the entire day comparing notes and cross-referencing my hangups?

Fuck my life. Seriously.

As agitated as those thoughts made me, on the other hand I couldn't imagine it going badly. Edward could be a prize-winning asshole when he wanted to be, but I knew Alice would tackle that with her usual aplomb. That girl could diffuse a bomb by smiling at it and handing it a beer. I couldn't envision a knock-down, drag-out fight...and even if that were the case, that surely would have shortened the day's events significantly. Fisticuffs or harsh words? Doubtful.

I peered out the window. Charger was in the driveway, lights off, engine off...but the shadows from the streetlight clearly showed Edward still sitting in the driver's seat.

Huh.

Something was up. I didn't know what, and it bugged me. But I wasn't going to run downstairs. Nope. Technically the ball was still in his court. He had been a right prick last night, I hadn't forgotten that. This was me sending him to obedience school, so now HE had to come upstairs and make nice. Oh I know that it was a passive-aggressive and bitchy technicality that I was holding him to. But rules are rules. I didn't make the rules. So there.

I figured I'd just wait him out, and switched on the TV.

15 minutes...

20 minutes...

25 minutes...

30 minutes...

30 minutes? Okay, what the FUCK, Edward. Fuck the rules. I grabbed my sneakers and my housekeys, pulled the door closed behind me and strode downstairs to Edward's car, hopping in place on the landing to get my shoes on. I walked over and knocked on the passenger window. And if I wasn't imagining things, he seemed to wait a few beats before unlocking the door.

I sat down, pulled the door closed, and then turned myself around, leaning against the door so I could see his face clearly. Trying to hide my...uber-chagrin, I guess you could call it...I tried to put a smile in my voice as I said, "You're gonna need a Prius if you want to fly in stealth mode. I heard you pull into the driveway half an hour ago."

Edward shrugged. "I just needed a bit of time to think before I came upstairs."

"Okaayyy...," I said slowly, raising a skeptical eyebrow at him.

Ordinarily this would be the cue for your loved one to tell you WHAT you were thinking about, now that the private brooding had been interrupted. But normal rules don't apply when you're involved with Edward Cullen. I was not surprised to see the brooding not only continue unabated, but even intensify in spite of my presence. I felt like waving a couple of semaphore flags.

I turned and looked out the passenger window into the dark. I could see his reflection, slightly scowling as he stared through the windshield at nothing in particular.

Eventually I lost my patience and turned back around to face him.

"Oh for fuck's sake Edward. Am I going to make you act it out in charades or do I have to wait until you publish your memoirs? How...did...things... go...with ...Alice?

Edward smiled wryly and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. It went really well. I'm glad to have had the chance to get to know her better. We have a lot in common. We talked a lot of things out, I think it helped us both a lot."

I stared at him expectantly. All I could think was '....AND?' But there was no hanging clause there. If he thought that would sate my curiosity with THAT he was sorely mistaken.

I raised my eyebrows and spread my hands palm-up in front of me, giving him the universal "WELL?" sign.

He smiled again. "Yes, Jasper, we talked about you a lot. If that's what's bothering you, then yes. We absolutely did. An awful lot. Obscenely so..." He trailed off, raising an eyebrow.

I looked at him with alarm. "What does THAT mean? You talked an obscene amount about me? Or you were obscenely talking about me? What? Fuck! Edward I know you enjoy being cryptic but if you keep this up I will punch you in the face. If that's what it takes to get some goddamn information out of you, I will do it. God help me I will. You can't mess with a paranoid man like this. It's not right."

He was pretending to look alarmed but couldn't keep the grin off his face. Which meant I had a lot of trouble selling my anger since he was making me laugh in spite of myself. But I really was irritated. Any pissier and I would have surrendered my manhood and stamped my foot at him. Thankfully the car prevented such extreme measures.

He put his hand on my leg and squeezed gently. "I'm sorry, Jasper," he said huskily. "That was cruel of me." He looked away and frowned at the steering wheel. He looked back at me. "It's just that I've got a lot to tell you and I don't know where to start. But I don't think here's really the place to begin." He sat up in his seat abruptly. "Let's go for a drive." He turned the keys in the ignition and the Charger rumbled to life.

He was backing down the driveway before I had a chance to reply. So I buckled the seatbelt and settled in the passenger seat. I was still confused and a little irritated, but it's not like being with Edward in the Charger was a bad thing. Win-win as far as I could see. As long as at the end of this drive he told me what the fuck was going on, he could take me to fucking Wal*Mart in that car and I wouldn't care.

But I was still bothered by how overly enigmatic he was being. Something was up.

Edward fucking Cullen. Drama queen of the fucking year.

***

Rain had started to spot on the windshield as we pulled up to the lake on the other side of town. I rolled my eyes. It was so Edward to come here, of all places. Even in the dark, the lake looked as gray and murky as it did in the daylight. Heavily wooded, overgrown, and as urban legend had it, brimming with toxic waste and three-eyed fish, it was hardly a family vacation spot. Lakes usually attract tourists. Our lake attracted junkies, white trash teenagers and fledgling devil worshipers. The kind of place where you could confidently dump a body. In the dark with the gathering storm clouds and the promise of rain, it was very goth, very brooding, and very Edward.

Edward killed the engine and turned off the lights. A sole pathetic streetlight lit the overgrown parking lot and cast us in semi shadow. Edward drummed his fingers nervously on the steering wheel for a moment, then turned to me, his face half light, half shadow.

"I'm trying to turn over a new leaf."

There was a long silence. It was mostly mine. Personally, that was hardly the kind of revelation I would drive to the lake to give. I hoped Edward's flair for the theatrical hadn't become completely unhinged. I was watching his face expectantly, hoping that there was a little more to it than that. Because as it was, it barely rated as a driveway revelation, let alone creepy-lake-in-the-rain revelation.

After a pregnant silence, he began talking again.

"I realized after talking with Alice that I had been unfair to you. And her. I've been keeping my true feelings hidden, hoping somehow you'd just find the right thing to say to bring those feelings out of me, without me having to volunteer it all." He ran a hand through his hair nervously. "Things got pretty heated with Alice, and she showed me that I have been selfish towards you." He looked at me, and placed a hand on my leg. "From the beginning you have been nothing honest with me. You've been completely open about your feelings and your past, and all I have done so far is use that against you. It was arrogant of me to think that my silence would somehow beckon you closer. All it has done is push you away. You don't deserve that." He scratched his head and frowned at the windshield. "So I'm going to try a new approach. I'm going to try to be more...to be myself around you. Let my guard down. I want to try to talk to you when I'm upset, instead of shutting down."

He looked at me briefly then lowered his eyes. I reached for his hand and squeezed it tightly in my own.

"All that from talking with Alice? Wow. That's quite a makeover." I grinned.

He smiled ruefully and looked at me. I could still make out the warm gold of his eyes even in the near-darkness. "Well. It'll be a while before we're chatting over coffee."

I laughed. "Hah. I'd like to see that."

Edward frowned a little and pulled his hand away from mine. He grew thoughtful again and was quiet for a long while before he spoke again. When he spoke his voice was quiet, clipped. He gripped the steering wheel so tight I heard his knuckles crack. "I love you, Jasper. The only people in my life that I ever loved were my mother and father. Nothing prepared me for how I would feel about you. I thought I knew myself inside out, but I only knew myself alone. Me, with you...I don't know that person. So I'm going to stop pretending I know what I'm doing, and admit that I'm...lost." His voice cracked. "In a good way. Lost, but willing to find my way." He looked at me sadly. "Jasper. I've never let anyone in like this. So before I say anything else...and I have a lot more to say...before I say another word, I want you to hear me say that I love you and I want you know....my whole life...I've said nothing truer "

I watched his face contort as he said it, and slowly crumple as a tear fell onto his shirt.

I waited for him to look at me.

Edward's amber eyes were liquid when he looked up to meet my gaze. I reached out my hand through the shadows to touch his face.

"I love you too, Edward."

He leaned across and buried his face in the side of my neck and wrapped his arms tightly around me. For a brief moment it almost felt like a goodbye...a weird thought that I put aside as I closed my eyes and leaned my cheek against his. His breathing was shallow, rough, and his heart was pounding. I felt like there was more to come, that Edward wasn't done yet. I placed my hand over the back of his head and breathed slowly, hoping he'd take on some of my own calm.

After a while Edward sat up again. He leaned his head back against the seat and began speaking to the roof of the car. "When we first met we dug around in my past. I told you some things that I hadn't thought about in years. That was kind of a big deal at the time. But I know now that it wasn't enough. I need to be honest about us, about us now, about who I am, and not just who I was before you knew me. There's a lot more that you don't know."

That sounded odd. Ominous.

I hate foreshadowing.

Edward looked over at me. "Did you ever wonder why I was in the quad the day we met?"

I furrowed my brow and gave him a confused look. "You were smoking. That's where all the smokers hang out. In the quad." I shrugged. It was kind of a weird question.

He looked back up a the roof. "Partly true. But it was also 5 minutes after 4. You were running late for your history lecture."

"Well. Yeah.... But what does that have to do with you being in the quad?" This was like being interrogated by The Riddler.

His hands played with the steering wheel as he spoke, and he spoke slowly, quietly. "Isn't that the way you walked to that class every day? Through the south entrance of the quad? A lot of people bypass the quad because of the smoke. Few realize how much quicker it is." He looked over at me.

I stared back at him, my mind now scrambling for a toehold in the conversation. "So I took the same route every day. So what? Everyone does that. I don't get what you mean."

He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. I saw his jaw clench. This was turning weird. He kept the same deliberate, quiet tone of voice. "You stop by the men's room at 3:50. By 3:55 you're usually walking through the south entrance. You were running late that day." He looked at me somewhat pointedly now and scratched his head.

He watched my face.

"How would you..." I shook my head. I looked back at him, and he was still staring at me, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Kind of the way it was dropping now, except instead of a shoe it felt like the entire chassis of the car had disappeared from beneath me. No way. No fucking way. No no no no.

"You knew I'd be there. You...You were...what. Waiting for me? You planned the whole thing?" Edward didn't say anything. I pushed his shoulder to try and shake him out of his cryptic fugue. "Edward? What is this?"

He didn't say anything. He just tightened his mouth into an apologetic half smile and swallowed.

Frustrated, I turned and looked out the window as I tried to figure out what I was hearing, staring down Edward's reflection. I had a good idea what he was trying to say, I just wanted him to explain himself better. So I forced the issue. I turned back around to face him. "Okay fine. Then I call bullshit. Bull fucking shit. You didn't plan a damn thing. You didn't deliberately flick that butt at me. You looked like your Mom had caught you masturbating, you were so embarrassed...."

As the words left my mouth I knew that that was EXACTLY the look on his face. Not straight embarrassment. Guilt. Like he'd been caught in the act....

Caught in the act.

The act of...what?

Holy fucking shit. My heart started pounding.

Edward flinched at my accusation, and when he spoke his voice was raised in indignation. "No! No, Jasper. That? The cigarette? The phone? That was a total accident. I never...," He stopped and sighed in frustration. "I never planned on actually talking to you," he said quietly.

An electric charge raced through my brain. "Oh so it was an accid – Wait. I'm sorry. What did you say? You never PLANNED on talking to me? So the cigarette-phone-thing was an 'accident' but you knew exactly where I'd be and when, and from what you're telling me you were lying in fucking wait for me so how the fuck does that NOT mean stalking?"

I glared at him, my heart racing now. The last thing I wanted was for our meeting to be a lie. Please, not that.

Then I realized I was panicking, that I was telling the story before it was told. This wouldn't help Edward open up. Fuck. I tried to back up, to give him room to explain himself. I lowered my voice and relaxed back into my seat.

"Edward," I said gently. "Now would be a really good time to try that whole turning over a new leaf thing, and just tell me the whole story. You're freaking me out a little with all this mystery. Just tell me. I'm not going to play any more guessing games. I'm serious. Don't worry about what I'll think or do or say afterwards...just get it out there so we can deal with it. Please." I put my hand back on his shoulder.

Be careful what you ask for. You might get it.

And so it unfolded. In the Charger parked on the edge of Lake Woebegone, Edward unraveled the thrilling tale of his long distance love affair with...me.

Bumping into me in the cafeteria. Watching me play touch football. My courtyard lunches with Alice. My courtyard lunches with other girls. My long nights studying in the library. Morning laps around the jogging track. I was surprised he hadn't pulled out a journal documenting my bowel movements.

Edward had borne witness to practically every damn thing I had done in college.

All without my knowing.

I listened to his story, my stomach tying itself into a hangman's knot as I digested every word of this...revision. It was as if he was revising my own memories as he spoke. "Ladies and Gentlemen, That WASN'T Your Life!" Eventually I found myself just staring at his shadowed face as he talked, not even hearing the words anymore. It was like we were trapped in a vacuum and all the sound had simply disappeared.

I wanted to sympathize with Edward. I did. It must have been really fucking hard for him to tell me all of this now. Knowing me as well as he does, knowing how paranoid I am already, knowing my past...I'm sure he was swallowing broken glass as he spoke. A part of me loved him for that. For walking out on the ledge.

But a big, ugly, tentacled part of me really hated him for turning my life into the ending of Wizard of Oz. All that cool shit that happened? Yeah, just a dream. No munchkins. No technicolor. Welcome back to Kansas.

The tentacles dug in harder.

Who the fuck had I been kidding? That shit in the bathroom that day could NEVER have been a chance encounter. There's no such thing as chance, you idiot. You knew that. Everything's fucking planned. Down to the letter. Even when you think it's not, it is. Your bullshit future is all mapped out for you. There's the lie that you believe, and then there's the truth...your life...that it's hiding.

I clenched my fists and tried not to vomit. Goddamn those fucking tentacles.

Then I realized Edward wasn't talking anymore. He was watching me.

I sat still, staring out the windshield, not looking, not thinking. There was no way I could speak. If I did, I'd throw up. Or tell Edward exactly what I was thinking. And I didn't want to do either.

Edward cleared his throat. "Jasper, I -"

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I pounded both fists on the dashboard. "Don't you tell me you're fucking sorry, Edward. Don't you fucking dare."

I opened the car door and stumbled through the grass and gravel towards the edge of the lake. The breeze off the lake was like knives through my skin...it was too fucking cold to stand here and sulk...I was angry but I wasn't fucking stupid. Well. Strike that. Because my next move was storming off into the trees.

Navigating unfamiliar territory in the dark is hard enough, but when you're near tears and really fucking angry it just makes it worse. By the time I fell over a fallen long, I'd about had enough. Of everything. Of the whole fucking mess. I punched the tree and then fell on the ground, tears of pain stinging my eyes as I clutched my now assuredly-broken hand. I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

And then I cried like a fucking baby.

Maybe I should have been flattered by Edward's coy admiration from afar. By his dedication, his persistence. I mean, it was all because of me. Wonderful me. But who the fuck except Miss Piggy would wallow in attention like THAT.

I felt like a mouse in a science experiment. This cool twisty turny new place I lived in turned out to be some fucker's idea of research and I was stuck in a wooden maze looking for a piece of fucking cheese..

If he liked me so much, why didn't he just fucking talk to me like a normal fucking person. Hang out with me. At least say Hi? Who the fuck decides to forego interaction altogether and opts instead to watch the object of their affection for a whole fucking YEAR? And the fact that he had never planned on talking to me....I mean who knows. He could have watched me for fucking YEARS. How long would his little experiment have continued if we hadn't 'bumped' into each other?

The worst part was thinking back to the bathroom...I'd been kind of flattered that he did all of that...well, TO me on a first encounter...as weird as it was, I'd always found that kind of cool and reckless...but knowing now that I was his weird fucking obsession? No fucking wonder he practically fell to his knees. It creeped me right the fuck out to think about it now.

It all felt...fake.

Maybe I shouldn't use his revelation to question what we have now. Our relationship is based on a real attraction, it's not like it fizzled out in a week like a one night stand. But I felt 'collected' now. Like a butterfly that had been ethered and pinned in a display case. Like I'm his prize, his reward for his patience and meticulousness. Good things come to those who wait. Now he gets to find out if I'm the same Jasper he thought I was from afar. He can compare notes. How fascinating.

He had said that after a while, while he was watching me, he started to feel like he knew me.

That drove me insane. He didn't fucking know me. You can think anything you like from 50 feet away, you can have the world world figured out from a distance. But that doesn't mean you 'know' any fucking thing. That just means you can draw your own little scientific conclusions and no one will argue with you, no one will let you down...it's all explained away. While the rest of us actually live our fucking lives, and do things that can't be explained and feel more than we should and get lonely, and feel loved, and embarrass ourselves. And he gets to fucking WATCH? I went through some real fucking shit that year. Alice breaking it off was one of the worst times in my life. And he'd been there, watching me study because I couldn't stand being alone, talking to girls and trying to turn them into Alice, trying to be the Jasper she thought I was and knowing all the time that I was only my true self with her.

I felt betrayed. Humiliated. And lied to.

What's worse...that dark, tentacled monster in my brain was starting to whisper to me, telling me that this was just like the day Mom left me on Nan's front lawn, the day she drove out of my life for good. Everything about Mom had been a lie too. I'd let myself believe in the lie of a happy family, of a caring mother...she taught me my lesson.

I knew that this...this with Edward, what I was feeling...I knew it wasn't THAT. I knew it. But the feeling of betrayal. The lie at the heart of the story. That was as real as Nan's front lawn.

And as Edward sat in the car, staring worriedly into the night, waiting for the right moment to come and find me, afraid that there may not ever be another right moment again, as all of my insecurities threw a party together and screamed in my ear, I sat there, deep in the woods, curled into a ball, bawling my eyes out.


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry. Five months is a long time with no updates. But the well dried up. Completely. And I was embarrassed that I didn't have anything for you. I couldn't even fake it. I know that one measly chapter isn't really enough to make up for the absence. It's just that the words aren't flowing out of me anymore. I've never written anything this long before, so I don't know if that's normal or if it's just my brain calling 'Uncle!'...but whatever 'pace' I was maintaining, erratic as it was, maybe just took too much out of me. Whatever, that's just excuses and you all need results, amirite? I do fully intend to finish what I've started here, if that's any comfort. So if you're still along for the ride, I thank you for your dedication...and I apologise for going into hiding on you all. **

**Chapter 21 - That's How Strong My Love Is **

{Edward's POV}

I sat motionless in the driver's seat of the Charger, the steering wheel cool against my forehead. I'd been sitting here for an hour, paralyzed with indecision, raising my head periodically only to stare blankly out of the windshield.

Should I go after Jasper? Try to reason with him? I did get out of the car once, maybe 15, 20 minutes after he had stormed off, thinking I would try to talk to him…then I heard him yelling, along with some weird cracking noises…it seemed safer to let him ride it out. Well. Safer for me. He may have calmed down since then, but did I really want a mouthful of broken teeth for my efforts? I wasn't sure if I wanted to step in the middle of that.

Should I leave him be, then? That didn't seem right. That look on his face…the more I turned it over in my mind, the more I felt like it wasn't just anger. It was something more than that. Maybe fear? If he fled in fear, he's probably not in a position to decide anything, let alone coming back to the car. Whatever caused him to flee is probably still keeping him out there. It didn't seem right to just leave him alone, especially if this was some kind of anxiety attack. Even if I went to him and didn't talk, that would be better than him being alone. Wouldn't it?

The real question was, what did I *want* to do.

I leaned back in the driver's seat and looked out at the forest beyond the parking lot. Leaving him out there felt like giving up on him. It was like saying 'Not my problem'.

But it _was_ my problem.

My confession had set off Jasper somehow, into something well beyond the angry outburst I had been expecting. Just because I couldn't understand where the reaction came from didn't mean that I should just set him adrift out there in the forest indefinitely.

I had been turning my confession over and over in my head for the past hour. The more I mulled it over in my mind the more worried I became for him. I had to help him, even if helping him meant just showing my face out there. If it meant getting a mouth of broken teeth, well, so be it. He had a right to be angry with me. But if I left him alone out there, loving him as much as I said I did, what kind of hypocrite did that make me?

I was a coward at heart, that much I knew. But a hypocrite I was not.

I got out of the car and locked it. The storm had passed; leaving a biting wind that carried on it the faint smell of rain. I strode to the edge of the parking lot towards the forest, in search of Jasper.

The lone streetlight in the parking lot, pathetic as it was, threw faint shadows into the forest, which helped me from falling on my face as I made my way through the undergrowth.

Thankfully I didn't have to walk far to find Jasper. He was sitting against a fallen log, half in shadow, hunched and staring angrily at his hands, taking short shallow breaths through his nose. He flinched at the sound of my footsteps and hunched over more. He didn't look up.

I looked around and tried not to appear as awkward as I felt.

_Okay. So here I am. Now what? _

_Fuck it. Saving face just wastes time. _

I cleared some of the twigs and rocks away with my foot and sat down on the wet ground across from Jasper, a short distance away so as not to crowd him. He was still staring at his hands, which in the shadows seemed to be either dirty or bloody, I couldn't tell. I hoped for his sake they were dirty.

I lit a cigarette and offered it to him. He didn't move. I took a drag and composed my thoughts as best I could.

" I haven't really figured out what to say beyond 'I'm sorry'. To be honest, my plan doesn't amount to much beyond just coming out here, so I'm making this up as I go."

I tried and failed to get comfortable on the lumpy, wet ground. Resigned to my own discomfort, I dragged on my cigarette and stared up at the cloudy night sky.

"I guess I just came out here to…well, to let you know that you're not alone. "

I smoked my cigarette for a while, trying to figure out whether I should keep talking or just shut up. I hated talking like this…hell, talking at all… especially something this difficult and awkward. If I stated my intentions somehow, then maybe I could put him at ease, just a little bit. I just didn't want to overdo it. It was a delicate balance, and it was the world's biggest karmic joke that all of this responsibility now rested on my repressed, introverted shoulders. I took another drag and kept talking.

"I know I betrayed your trust. I wish I hadn't kept the truth from you, that I had had the courage to tell you from the start where we stood. It's that awful feeling of regret, of bad choices, 'If I could just change that one thing everything would be okay'. It's a terrible feeling. Which…uh…doesn't lessen what you're going through, but I want you to know…that…well…that I didn't set out to deceive you."

I coughed and rubbed a hand through my hair. God I was tired. After going 10 rounds with Alice…heh, literally…and now Jasper…this day was nothing short of exhausting.

"Look. I just want to say this and then I'll shut up. I know I hurt you, Jasper. I know you're angry. I deserve it. But no matter what you feel right now, you're not alone. I'm still here. And I'm staying here. I'm not going anywhere. I just…I just want you to know that."

I ground out the butt of my cigarette in the dirt and slipped it into my jacket pocket.

Jasper was looking at me, his face unreadable. I could see the ghost of the earlier fear lingering in his eyes, a sort of panic that wouldn't leave. It was like he was drowning and he didn't know how to save himself.

I took a breath and then carefully, and slowly, crawled on my hands and knees through the twigs and stones over to the fallen log and sat down next to him, as gently as I could. He didn't flinch, or look at me...I took his non-reaction as a good sign.

He was staring at his hands again, unmoving. Now that I was closer I could see that they were swollen and bloody, not dirty, as I had hoped. I thought back to the odd cracking noise I had heard from the parking lot, and now realized that he'd been punching a tree. Maybe the log. I wished now that I hadn't waited so long to come and find him. Gently I reached out and covered his swollen, bloody hands with mine, barely touching so as not to cause him any pain or to frighten him off. His hands were warm, probably from the swelling. The rest of him was ice cold.

He seemed to relax with my touch. And he didn't pull away. I took that as another good sign. I slid closer to him and reached an arm around his shoulder, leaving my other hand still covering his bloody hands. He was shivering, from fear or the cold I wasn't sure, maybe both. With a shuddering sigh he leaned into me, as if suddenly needing all of my warmth and support all at once.

He turned his head and stared up at the sky, his eyes wet, unable to meet mine. He tried to speak, his voice cracked and quiet.

"You don't….

His breathing was still quick and labored, as though he was trying to catch his breath. He grimaced in frustration, closed his eyes and tried again.

"I….I can't…I ---…"

He sat up, bowing his head in defeat. He punched at the ground with his fist, bringing a wince of pain. His face was a rictus of anger and frustration.

I pulled him back into me and rubbed his shoulder. It was like coaxing a boulder. "Shhhhhhh. It's okay Jasper. You don't have to say anything." He was so worked up, just from trying to speak. I was at a loss for what to do for him. "Shhhh. Don't worry. We'll be okay. It's all right. It's alright." I rubbed in gentle circles, until slowly he relaxed again and slumped against my chest. I moved my hand from his shoulder to rest on the top of his head.

His eyes closed, the mask of anger melting away. The shivering stopped, and his breathing slowly became more even.

Beyond the parking lot, choppy waves of indigo splashed repeatedly on the shore of the lake, frantic and unsettled from the earlier storm. I couldn't imagine what was going on in Jasper's head. Anger, shame, betrayal, humiliation…that was what started it…but now? This…anxiety that had come over him…this was something else. I didn't know what he needed from me. I was scared for him. The most important thing now was to get him rested, and then…I guess try to get him to talk tomorrow, see if he can get some of whatever's eating at him out in the open. To what end, I wasn't sure. I'd cross that bridge when I got to it. But getting him to talk it out seemed like a sensible course of action.

If he'll even talk to me, of course.

Ironic. I'd spent all that time being so irritated by his constant openness and soul searching that I'd closed myself off to it…and now it was the thing I needed from him to help him back to some kind of normalcy.

I guess this would be the test of the New Edward.

Trial by fire. Oh joy.

I don't know how much time passed. I knew that my jeans were soaked, I was cold and my arm had fallen to sleep. Jasper meanwhile was in some kind of semi-restful slumber and for all intents and purposes cozy as a lamb by my side in this parking lot/forest in the middle of nowhere.

Time for a change of scenery.

I put my free hand against the shoulder closest to me, and gave a gentle push so that he would be sitting upright. He stirred and looked at me dazedly.

"Time to go home, Jasper. Can you stand up?"

He nodded. Slowly he unfolded himself into standing position, but then a look of pain flashed across his face and he seemed to crumble at the knees. I caught him on the way down as he fell, and levered my shoulder under his arm to support him.

"What is it?"

He grimaced. "Agghhk…Ankle."

"It's not far to the car. Put your weight on your good foot, and use me as your support. Ready?"

But Jasper didn't seem to be in a state to even semi-walk. He was exhausted and barely coherent. It was like dragging a mannequin. After a few steps I decided it would be easier to just carry him the rest of the way, and swung him up into my arms. A decision that seemed smarter in my head.

Reality posed a new, unforeseen set of problems once I actually managed to hoist him into my arms.

Problems like my knees that lacking the necessary titanium reinforcement to bear such a load as Jasper. He was in excellent shape and he worked out regularly, so though there didn't seem all that much to him to look at, all that muscle was well, really fucking heavy. Also my spindly arms seemed barely sufficient to hold him at all, let alone carry him to the car. But buckling under his weight or letting him crash to the ground was hardly chivalrous after all he'd been through. I'd gotten myself into this ridiculous situation; I could get out of it.

Employing serious 'mind over matter' powers, I managed, in the most barely-managing way possible, to get both of us to the Charger without injury. I felt like a contestant on the Wide World of Sports.

Mental note. Don't ever try to carry Jasper ever, ever, EVER again. And chivalry can eat it.

I managed to get Jasper onto the back seat of the Charger without concussing him on the doorframe, a feat in itself. And finally, I was back in the driver's seat of the Charger, keys in the ignition, shifting into reverse as we purred out of that godforsaken parking lot and began the drive home.


End file.
